~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 5a
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
Ares focused again, scrunching his eyes closed. After a moment he opened them, only to find himself still standing in front of Xena and Gabrielle.
"Just a minor set-back," said the God of War, but with far less confidence. "I haven't done this in awhile. Yeah. That's it. Must've lost my touch."
And the dark stud returned to focusing his powers on getting the hell out of this gods-forsaken 'Fifth-usia.' Veins began to pop out on Ares' neck and forehead as he concentrated on dematerializing. He even brought his arms into the act, thrusting them out in front of him and flexing them, his muscles and veins bulging, handsome face turning beet red.
Colleen giggled. "We're going to pump..." she clapped her hands together and pointed at Ares. "You up."
And still, nothing happened. Ares let go of his muscle bulging antics and took a deep gasp of breath, his normal color returning.
"Why can't I go?" he whined. "I hate this place. I want to get back home and wreak some havoc and destruction!"
The God of War looked to see Xena smirking at him. It was too much for his ego. Ares flung his hand up, creating another large ball of blue fire, angrily drawing his hand back to fling the ball and wipe the smile from her face forever. As he let go of the energy ball, it simply dissapeared with a small blip. Ares stood staring in shock.
"Looks like your return to godhood was short-lived," said Xena.
Ares drew his hand back again to summon the energy and noticed that the crackling fire around his hands was completely gone. He looked up at Xena, who was still smiling.
"I am SO going to kick your ass the old fashioned way," he threatened, heading toward Xena.
The Warrior Princess flung her head back, long, black hair whipping around her face as she and the bard readied themselves for battle.
"And I'm going to have fun mopping the ground with your face," she taunted.
Ares strode forward and suddenly found himself aloft in the air, arms pin-wheeling and legs kicking in surprise.
"Hey! Lemme down!" he yelped. "I'm Ares, God of War, you can't do this to me!"
The dark stud looked down and noticed that he was beginning to fade.
"No fair," he bellowed as he continued to kick and yell. But much to Ares' horror, he became more and more transparent. The former God of War finally gave in, sighing. "Well, at least I'm outta here…and I've still got my looks."
And Ares, returned once again to mortal stud-dom, simply disappeared.
Colleen smiled. "Well, you gotta give the Island Goddesses props for that one."
----------
Meanwhile, Tapert had managed to run a good, long distance considering his pregnancy. He came upon the two previous tunnels he had passed when he first had awakened to find himself in Fifth-usia. Now there were three tunnels. Two of the escape routes were sealed with rock, and the previous signs were gone.
Is that a hint? wondered the desperate and confused executive.
The third tunnel had a sign and it read Island Goddess Compromise Tunnel.
Tapert ran through. An iron-gate slammed down behind him, closing off the tunnel from any retreat. Ahead of him was a sign that read Suckah and more green foliage and rolling meadows ahead.
Tapert heard noises behind him. Thinking Ares had found him, he squealed and kept running, ignoring the taunting signage and hoping for the best.
---------
Back at the Battle of the Bands stage, Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen headed back to where they originally found the rip in hope of finding another way home.
"Xena, when we were here earlier, why do you think the Island Goddesses didn't immediately closed that rip up?" asked Gabrielle.
"Probably 'cuz they fell asleep during Tapert's rant back there," hypothesized Colleen.
"Or it took them awhile to come up with enough power to close the it," suggested Xena.
"We came very close to escaping," continued the bard. "And remember when we were out on the boat, why didn't they keep us from getting on the boat in the first place? Why let us get off-shore?"
"For a more exciting and action-filled plot?" interjected Colleen.
"Well, like Aphrodite and Ares, maybe they can't watch us every second," said Xena.
"Or maybe they're not goddesses after all..." began Gabrielle.
"Rrrroowwwrrr," interrupted Colleen. Gabrielle sighed.
"I don't know why I keep doing that," laughed the co-ed. "The goddesses must have some deep-seated insecurity to have me go on and on about how beautiful and powerful they are."
Xena shook her head and turned to the bard.
"Gabrielle, if they're not goddesses, how could they have created all this?"
"They obviously have a lot of power," replied Gabrielle. "But now we know there's a limit to their power."
"Oh, no, I don't think there's a limit to their power," smiled Colleen.
Xena turned to throw the co-ed an exasperated look. The warrior's eyebrows shot up in the air. Colleen was becoming lighter, more transparent.
The co-ed caught Xena's look of surprise. "Whoa, Hollow Girl," she exclaimed, noticing her own disappearing act.
Xena and Gabrielle looked down at their own bodies to see they were quickly disappearing as well.
"Here we go again," sighed Gabrielle.
"I wanna go home," said a frustrated Xena.
The threesome disappeared from Fifth-usia.
Xena was drifting. She felt so comfortable. "Ohhh," she thought happily. It felt like her head was on the softest of pillows. The Warrior Princess smiled as she slowly began to wake up from her deep, Island Goddesses-induced dream-scape. Blue eyes opened, looking into mischievous, brown eyes. Brown eyes? thought Xena groggily. She turned her head and noticed she was snuggled up against Colleen's breasts. The Warrior Princess jerked her head away from the co-ed's dreamy pillows and got up off the ground hastily.
"Um, you're not gonna tell Gabrielle about this, are you?" asked Xena.
"Not in this alternate reality or any other," chuckled Colleen. "I need to be alive if I want to be the last Survivor."
Colleen climbed off the ground and stretched.
"I hope youse guys are about to wrap this up," she yawned sleepily to the skies. "I gotta get back to my full-time job as America's Sweetheart."
"We need to get back to the camp," Xena said, deciding she would never understand Colleen's strange way with language. "My guess is that baby's about to be born and Gabrielle and Tapert may need our help."
Xena strode off in the direction of camp with Colleen following.
----------
Gabrielle woke up slowly, as she was prone to do. She yawned and sat up, happy to be out of Fifth-usia. She sighed. Unfortunately, she was still on the island because she spied Tapert sleeping just where she had last seen him when the snowfall began. Gabrielle noticed the pregnant executive was still thrashing about in his sleep. Apparently the Island Goddesses had not yet brought him back from Fifth-usia. And then she noticed the executive's pregnant stomach begin to undulate.
"The baby," whispered the bard.
--------
Back in Fifth-usia, Tapert stopped running, sure that he had finally lost Ares. The pregnant executive began to feel slight pangs in his stomach and across his back.
"I've gotten out of shape being a Hollywood mogul," he muttered to no one in particular. The pain began to subside and he leaned against a tree, panting to catch his breath. He saw a door to a large castle ahead.
"Hmmm, a castle on a tropical island…oh, well, stranger things have happened since I arrived here," Tapert said, rubbing his stomach. He staggered to the door, pushing it open and stepping inside.
Tapert looked around. How odd, it looks just like a barn on the inside, he thought. He turned to see a wagon, straw on the floor and hay bales scattered around the room. The pregnant executive was about to explore the castle further when he became aware of a presence behind him. Fear skittered up his spine.
"Hello…Tapert," came a husky voice filled with gleeful malice.
Tapert turned and let the breath out that he hadn't known he was holding. "Gee, Renee…I mean Gabrielle, you startled me!"
Gabrielle was standing before him dressed in her old BGSB. Her hair was long and blonde, her eyes blue.
"Hope," he said; his mouth suddenly hot and dry and he knew that all the Perrier in the world couldn't help him now.
Hope cocked her head and grinned. "I spring eternal…Tapert."
The pains were back and he clutched his stomach.
"Almost time," whispered Hope, circling him.
"Time?" said Tapert.
"Exactly how are we going to get that baby out of you?" she asked conspiratorially.
Tapert's eyes widened in surprise and not a small amount of terror. He hadn't even thought about how the baby might come out.
"Jesus," he panted. "Whoever came up with the idea of having me get pregnant didn't really think it through, now, did they?" The irony of the moment was, sadly, completely lost upon the red-haired, continuity-hating executive.
Hope laughed. Tapert was hit with sharp pains and he fell to his knees and doubled over.
"Help me, help me, please?" he gasped.
"Like you helped my mother when she was having me?" said Hope, her voice low and taunting.
"Why should I help her? She's just..." -gasp- "...the...sidekick. And you were just an evil demon."
"Half human, buddy," said Hope testily. "Too bad I couldn't have a shaft of light redeem me, though," she mused, watching the panting Tapert with an almost clinical interest.
"Livia is Xena's daughter. That makes a huge difference. She was destined for greatness and to be a spiritual leader of goodness."
"I'm sure the thousands of people she murdered and crucified will find that thought ever so comforting," replied Hope dryly.
"She was redeemed. It was a great storyline..." began Tapert.
"And so original...that whole bad girl redeemed, fighting her dark urges while protecting and helping the innocent. That's not something you've ever done before," Hope said derisively.
"I refuse to argue with a figment of my nightmare. I'm having a baby and it hurts!" squealed Tapert. "Help me!"
Hope came over and helped Tapert to a pile of hay that was near some barrels. She rolled the executive onto his back.
"OK, I'll help you. This should be fun...well, for me anyway," smiled the blonde goddess as she brusquely stuck a straw pillow under the pregnant executive's head.
"Better?" she queried.
"It hurts like hell!" Tapert muttered between clenched teeth.
"Tartarus, don't you mean?" said Hope.
"Hell, dammit, hell!" screamed the hormonal man.
The pains were coming hard and fast and Tapert felt sweat burning his eyes, blurring his vision. He wiped his face. A woman with a head of burnished bronze curls appeared behind Hope.
"Here. He can watch the flame," said Ephiny, placing a candle on the barrel beside Tapert's head.
She turned to Hope. "And you can…." She smiled as she handed Hope an impossibly large knife.
Ephiny turned back to Tapert. "Just breathe deep and focus on the candle," she said cheerily, winking at the executive. "And hope like hell your kid doesn't have hooves!"
Hope held the knife lovingly. She turned it right and left to catch the light from the candle and it gleamed wicked and sharp.
"No, no, no," cried Tapert.
"Baby's gotta come out somehow, Robbie," chuckled Hope. "It's either this," she held up the knife. "or…"
"Or what?" blubbered Tapert.
"Well, sweetie pie, you're a guy. What other orifice do you have?" Hope began to laugh with evil gusto. Ephiny joined her.
Suddenly a chorus of voices broke into a percussive chant. Tapert could hear a full orchestra playing fast and furious music peppered with Stravinsky-like rhythms.
"What the hell?!" screeched Tapert. Joseph LoDuca appeared from behind a hay bale.
"Hey, it's just me adding some atmosphere. You remember me, don't ya, Rob? I'm the only one on the show who's won an Emmy." LoDuca winked and disappeared, leaving the gape-mouthed executive staring after him in disbelief.
Tapert then heard an odd, skittering sound and turned his head to see a giant rat perched near the barrel eyeing him. It must have been at least four feet tall. And to its side was an even larger snake.
The pains in Tapert's stomach became excruciating until only one thought filled his mind.
"Pussssshhhhh!" screamed Tapert. "Pussshhh! I gotta pusssshhh!"
Hope and Ephiny laughed on. The music was reaching a loud, crashing crescendo and Tapert turned his head to see the snake devour the rat.
"Taaaahpiocaaahh, Taaahhhpert," it said as it slithered toward him.
And then the real horror began as the television executive felt pains begin in his… "Oh. God."
Tapert bolted straight up screaming. "Noooooooo!"
He felt strong arms around him and heard low, soothing nonsensical noises that calmed him.
"It's ok now. You're safe," said a gentle voice.
A cool cloth was placed on his forehead. Tapert opened his eyes to see Gabrielle. He had just enough time to breathe a quick sigh of relief that the nightmare was over…when the first real labor pain set in.
-------
Xena and Colleen had managed to shake off the last vestiges of their goddess-induced sleep and were nearing the Survivor camp.
Colleen noticed that Xena was agitated and kept glancing around.
"What's wrong?" asked Colleen. "Are your spidey senses acting up again?"
"It's just so quiet. Too quiet," replied Xena.
"Yeah, not much action by Xena Warrior Princess standards, huh?" said the co-ed, kicking a small rock along the path.
"It has been awfully talkative around this place," the warrior said wryly.
"Well, writing action is difficult," said Colleen.
"Are we back to that again, Colleen?" Xena asked testily. "Even if this is a fan fiction, Gabrielle and I are real. We're just…we're just trapped here," she said angrily. "And we're going to find a way home."
Colleen didn't agree with Xena, but she wasn't about to argue, either.
The twosome passed a small, beautiful waterfall. They walked further on, past a group of green, lush bushes. Xena stopped, putting a finger to her lips and motioning the co-ed to silence.
Collen nodded her head, holding still and very happy that the warrior was distracted. The bush began to shake.
Xena snarled and reached into the foliage, dragging two kicking and squealing figures out by the collars of their raggedy t-shirts. The warrior lifted them into the air and began to shake them like rag dolls.
"Hands off, Warrior Princess!" howled Soozin.
Xena's eyes widened and she dropped a snarling Soozin and hissing Kelly to the ground.
Just then the rest of the Survivors approached the surprised quartet.
"There you two are," sniffled Jenna at Kelly and Soozin. "I was beginning to think you were trying to dump us!" she accused.
"We were, you big cry-baby," crabbed Kelly.
"What were you doing in the bushes?" asked Xena who wondered if the two might be plotting something with the Island Goddesses.
"What do you do with Blondie in the bushes?" retorted Soozin.
Xena raised an eyebrow.
"Soozin was getting her Wiglesworth?" asked a surprised Colleen.
"Hah. She was trying," snorted Kelly.
"That's not what you said back there when I offered my…" Soozin noticed everyone was listening. "When I offered my flower to you," she finished, a hurt look on her face.
Kelly grinned and wiggled her studded tongue at the truck driver.
"Can't touch this!" she teased.
Soozin dove for Kelly's throat. Xena stepped between the two.
"All right, all right, break it up you two love birds," said Xena.
"I hate you," seethed Soozin to Kelly.
"Liar," Kelly shot back.
"Yeah, you're right...for now," acknowledged the truck driver as she flung an arm around Kelly's shoulder.
Xena sighed heavily, rubbing her forehead in agitation. She didn't know how much more of these rag-tag Survivors she could take. Her warrior senses began to tingle.
"Thank the goddesses," the Warrior Princess muttered. She addressed the rest of the Survivors.
"Listen up, we need to get back to the camp and fast."
"What for?" whined Gervase.
"A baby's about to be born," said Colleen.
"A baby?" asked Sean. "Who's pregnant? Did I do it?"
"Tapert's pregnant. Don't you remember?" asked the brunette Survivor.
"That red-haired guy?" queried Sean.
"Yeah, Xena's booooyfriend," snarked Soozin. Xena threw the truck driver a glare.
"His name starts with a 'T,' so I haven't gotten to him yet," mused Sean, happy to know he couldn't possibly be the father.
Jenna rushed over and threw her arms around Xena.
"It's so beautiful," she sobbed. "He's having your baby."
"For Gaia's sake, he is not having my baby!" exclaimed Xena, quickly extricating herself from the bikini-wearing, blubbering mass of emotions. "Now come on!"
Xena strode off toward the camp without a look back. The rest of the Survivors fell in step behind her.
"You know, I'm pretty sure guys can't have babies," said Sean, the doctor, as they continued their trek.
--------
Back at the camp, Gabrielle had made Tapert as comfortable as possible as she sat by his side, awaiting the baby's arrival.
"Are you sure I'm not still in Fifth-usia," Tapert groaned through gritted teeth as he was hit with another labor pain. "It still hurts!"
"You're having a baby. They, um, they hurt when they come out," said Gabrielle who wasn't sure where this baby was going to emerge since Tapert was a guy with guy parts...as far as she knew anyway.
Gabrielle heard voices and looked up with relief to see Xena and the rest of the Survivors approaching the camp.
Xena immediately went to Gabrielle's side to see how Tapert was doing.
"Can I help?" asked Colleen looking worried.
"Boil some water, we might need it," responded Xena.
Colleen nodded and set off to perform the task. The rest of the Survivors turned their heads to watch.
The co-ed poured water into two large cooking pots. She then took a pole and hooked it through the pots, kneeling down and putting her shoulders under the pole. The small burnette strained to stand up, wobbling a bit, and headed off toward the campfire to begin boiling the water.
"Looks like she's having trouble carrying that water," said Sean.
"We might outta help," said Rudy staring at the struggling co-ed.
"Naw, let's go see what's up with Tahhhpert," said Soozin.
"Finally! Something to do," said Gervase.
They trudged over to gather around the groaning executive and the dynamic duo.
The bard looked up at the circle of Survivors.
"Hey, you! Aren't you supposed to be a doctor?" she called out to Sean.
Sean whirled, looking behind him and trying to figure out to whom the bard was referring.
"Are you nuts?!" exclaimed Tapert. "I don't want him near me!"
"Gabrielle, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Xena said, surprised to be agreeing with the executive for once.
"He's a doctor. And even if he's a bad doctor, we're going to need all the help we can get," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
"He couldn't tell a stethoscope from a chain saw!" Tapert managed to grunt as another labor pain hit.
"Hey," said Sean indignantly. "At least I know when the Wall of China was built. And there's no way that wall was around when Xena first met Lao Ma!"
The Survivors stared at him in disbelief. Sean gasped and clamped his hand over his mouth.
He shrugged and grinned. "So what? I watch the show once in awhile."
Gabrielle decided to try again. "Please help us. The baby's coming!"
Sean giggled and shrugged his shoulders and pulled on his shirt. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, Miz Gabrielle."
"Get over here!" growled Xena, knowing the bard was worried about the executive's safety.
Sean's eyes widened and he hopped over quickly. He didn't want to get his nose smashed again. The "doctor" plopped down on the ground, folding his legs under him.
"Well, I'll sit with you and observe since I obviously missed the day of doctor class where we talked about how men have babies," he said affably. "Then I'll know what to do next time I run into this situation."
As Sean sat down, Tapert began to sob. "You hate me, you really, really hate me!" he said to no one in particular.
There was sudden movement as if something was crawling underneath Tapert's skin. Lumps appeared on his stomach, rolling back and forth and scurrying up and down, distracting the executive from his sobbing jag.
"Wow. Altared States," sniffled Tapert looking down at the strange movements.
Another labor pain hit and the executive began to howl.
The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances. They still had no idea how the baby was going to get out and the frantic movements from Tapert's stomach made them wonder if the baby might not be trapped.
Gabrielle turned to Xena and whispered. "You might need to help him like you helped Ephiny."
"I heard that!" yelled Tapert mid-howl and with super-human strength that generally only mothers in labor possess, the red-haired executive grabbed hold of Xena's copper armor, yanking the surprised warrior down until they met nose-to-nose.
"Druuuuuuugggggs!" he screamed into Xena's face, causing her hair to blow back as if hit by a gale of wind.
Gabrielle, completely nonplussed by Tapert's extreme emotions, quietly patted his forehead dry with a cool cloth. "It's OK. Everything's going to be OK," she soothed.
Xena uncurled the executive's fingers from her armor, releasing herself from his surprisingly strong grip. Tapert continued to moan, coming in and out of coherency.
"You're taking this all very calmly," Xena smiled at Gabrielle
"Well, it could be worse...like Zeus trying to kill us with a thunderbolt," replied Gabrielle, thinking of their daughter and glad Eve was safe and away from this crazy, mixed-up world they found themselves in.
"Xena, what about pressure points? Maybe they could help," asked the bard.
"I don't know, Gabrielle. We don't know where the baby's coming out. I'm afraid using them might actually harm the baby or Tapert."
"Who cares?!" cried Tapert who had managed a moment of coherency. "You're the daddy. Ease my pain!"
Xena's eyes narrowed. She chose to ignore the executive's claim on the baby's parentage. The warrior knew there was no way to reason with him right now.
"Do something!" he roared.
"All right," growled Xena as she executed a rapid set of finger punches into Tapert's chest and stomach.
"Not. Working," squealed Tapert as yet another labor pain rolled through his body and his stomach began to shudder.
Xena tried another series of pressure points.
"Now it's only blindingly painful instead of trapped in the bowels of hell painful," crabbed the ever-ungrateful executive. "You're supposed to get rid of the pain!"
Xena shrugged. "I'm afraid you'll have to go through this the old fashioned way," the dark warrior said to the sweating executive.
"Frickin' hell!" screeched Tapert. "This is a make-believe island with dreamscapes, fictional characters come to life, Island Goddesses, and all manner of bizarre and weird powers and they can't let me have a baby without pain?!?!"
"That would sort of negate the whole torture, vengeance and learn a lesson theme going on here," offered Colleen as she approached the executive, carefully setting down a pot of hot water next to Xena.
Tapert looked up and around with bleary, blood-shot eyes, noticing the rest of the surrounding Survivors for the first time.
"Grrrrreat. An audience in my time of torture," he said.
"Would ya look at dat?" grumbled Rudy. "Damn queers having damn babies now. They'll take over the world soon."
"That's…like…an agenda, isn't it?" said Gervase.
Suddenly, a large, swirling blue circle began to appear at Tapert's belly button.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" belly-ached the executive. "That kind of hurrrrts!"
"Sissy," muttered Soozin.
"Truck Driver!" yelled Tapert back, still angry that she had left him alone and defenseless in Fifth-usia.
"Why is this happening to me?" the executive sobbed as his blue hole began to grow. "I'm a powerful, creative, genius television executive producer. Why, oh, why, oh…"
"This guy is way clueless," sighed Colleen, shaking her head.
And then it was like the heavens opened and a chorus of television executives sang in four-part harmony. Tapert realized what was going on. The real reason for his trip to this island.
"Spin-off," he croaked. "I'm having a baby and it's Xena's baby because I'm telling myself--through this dream that somehow turned into a nightmare...probably because of mushrooms--what the spin-off from Xena: Warrior Princess should be. That's it! Even my dreams are creative, money-making genius," he laughed hysterically.
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances. The executive's ramblings were definitely becoming stranger.
The blue hole continued to expand, taking up nearly all of Tapert's mid-section. Something large and encased in a white, gooey substance began wriggling out of the hole.
"Ow, ow, frickin' owie!" howled Tapert.
"Man, that blue hole is like Mary Poppins' purse on acid or something," said Colleen.
"Well, I guess we know how the baby's coming out now," said a wide-eyed Sean.
Xena grabbed hold of the wriggling case that was like grabbing hold of a well-oiled lady mud wrestler.
"Having a problem there, Slick?" said the truck driver sarcastically.
Xena glared at Soozin as she finally managed to get a firm hold on the gooey casing and began gently easing it out of the hole in Tapert's stomach. In the process, white goo was getting all over the Warrior Princess' hands, making them slippery and her grip precarious. With a small, wicked smile, Xena flung each hand around, launching the goo into the air where it landed upon the Survivors.
"Ewwwww," complained Gervase.
"Get that damn queer juice offa me!" bellowed Rudy.
"Missed me, missed me now ya gotta…" began Soozin just as a spectacularly large glob of white goo hit her right between the eyes.
With her hands free of goo, Xena grabbed hold of the case again and continued gently working it out of Tapert's tidy blue hole. Gabrielle worked to keep a now yowling Tapert as calm as possible.
"I know it hurts…" said Gabrielle.
"It doesn't hurt anymore, it's just frickin weird!!" screamed the executive.
The Warrior Princess gave one last tug and the gooey case came out with a final squelch.
Then Tapert's magical hole began to shrink until it simply closed up with a loud burp.
"Excuse you," said Sean.
"Thank God," cried a relieved Tapert who decided that a good faint was in order and proceeded to do just that.
Gabrielle and Xena were trying to open the casing as something frantically struggled to get out.
"Xena, the baby might suffocate if we don't get it out of there," whispered Gabrielle.
The duo could see what appeared to be the shape of hands and feet…but they were having no luck getting through the case.
"I don't want to use my chakram, Gabrielle, it might hurt the baby," said Xena.
Just then they noticed a protrusion in the white casing accompanied by a small, ripping noise. Something sharp popped out and began to saw through the thick, white goo. Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other.
Tapert regained consciousness.
"Hey!" he called weakly to Colleen. "Hey, did you see that? I'm the first man in the history of the world to have a baby…I should use that on the show. Where's my baby? Where's my little spin-off?" Tapert cooed. He looked to Colleen. "I hope I can wake up from this nightmare now. I wanna go fishing."
"This can't possibly get any stranger," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
Just then there was a mewling sound from the case where a face had appeared in the rip. Impossibly beautiful eyes with long, dark eyelashes peered up at the Survivors and the dynamic duo.
"Awww, such pretty, piercing blue eyes!" exclaimed Colleen. She stopped and looked over at Xena questioningly.
"I'm not the only person in the universe with blue eyes, you know," scowled Xena.
The rip elongated and they could now see a mouth that proceeded to speak.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's baby!" it said in a tiny, helium-inflected voice.
The crowd gasped. More of the baby's body appeared and it stepped from its gooey cocoon. There was complete and total silence.
"Ummm," said Gervase. "Are babies usually born with horns, tails, hooves, pitchforks, capable of speaking full sentences...and looking just like Rich?"
"It's like…a spawn of Rich," whispered a terrified Colleen. "Just tinier and more overtly demonic."
"He looks like a centaur," said Xena dryly. "I didn't know they had centaurs in this world."
"Well," said Gabrielle, giving Xena a sideways glance. "I guess this proves you're not the daddy."
Tapert began to scream like a girl. "No! No! Xena's the daddy! Take it back!" The executive scrambled up off the ground, backing away from the newborn hellchild.
"Daddy?" whimpered the DemonRichSpawn, tears in his big blue eyes.
"OK, this is officially the worst nightmare in the history of the universe," Tapert sobbed. He began slapping himself. "Wake up! Wake up!"
The executive threw himself at Xena. "If it wasn't you who gave me that baby, who was it?!"
"I'd think that would be kind of obvious since the baby looks exactly like Rich," said Colleen.
"Nooooo!" squealed Tapert. "It was Xena!!"
A startled Warrior Princess tried to hold onto the hysterical red-haired man, but he tore himself from her grasp and ran to the trees.
"Xena, we've got to…" began Gabrielle.
"I know," sighed Xena. "Help Tapert."
"I'm coming with you," declared Colleen.
"We need someone to stay and take care of the baby. Someone we can trust," said Gabrielle.
"I will," bubbled Jenna. Gabrielle looked uncertain at the Survivor's offer.
"Look, I know I'm goofy and emotional…but I know how to take care of a child," said Jenna, her feelings hurt.
Xena smiled, putting her hands on Jenna's shoulders. "Thank you. We know the baby will be safe with you."
"It's a good thing I drink lots of water or I'd be mighty dehydrated by now," cried Jenna as the water works started. "Thank you," the bikini-clad Survivor headed over to the baby DemonRichSpawn.
"He's got a headstart, we need to move fast," said Xena as the threesome headed into the jungle after Tapert.
Still running, a horrified Tapert came upon a naked (as usual) Rich sitting on a log, quietly smashing walnuts between his thighs. The red-haired executive screeched to a halt. He remembered his night with Xena--or who he had thought was Xena--and he suddenly realized the terrible truth.
"Thighs...that could crush...walnuts," mewled the television executive, shaking his head back and forth.
Rich winked at Tapert. "Thanks for a fabulous evening…lover boy."
"No," blubbered Tapert. "That night under the stars. It was you?"
"Allll me, baby stud muffin," replied Rich.
Tapert backed up in terror, tripping over a log and falling to the ground. He couldn't take his eyes off the smirking Rich.
"But, you…you pretended to be Xena."
"Oh, please, Robbie! Anyone would have recognized it was me," laughed Rich. "I thought you just wanted me to play dress-up…like Butterfly M."
"That's not fair. It's not even nice," cried Tapert.
"Whatever. It served the plot," shrugged Rich. "Just remember, Rob, honey…you're mine now," the corpulent Survivor added ominously.
Tapert began screaming again, scrambling up and running from Rich.
Rich sighed, stood up and brushed away the walnut crumbs, heading back toward the Survivor camp. "Well, if I can't have Gabe, I guess I'll have to settle for Tapert being my bitch momma for awhile…ugh."
------------
Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen were running through the undergrowth as fast as possible. But Tapert's terror-induced run from the camp had given him amazing speed and strength and they were having a surprisingly difficult time catching up to the executive.
The bard and the warrior continued to track Tapert and as they moved quickly along, they crossed paths with Rich.
"We're looking for Tapert, have you seen him?" Xena asked.
"Yeah. He just ran by a little while ago. He seemed upset," said Rich, pretending to be worried.
Colleen looked at the portly Survivor distrustfully.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Rich asked, deepening his look of concern to throw the cuddly co-ed off.
"Which way did he go?" asked Gabrielle.
"He headed off between those trees over there," Rich pointed.
Xena narrowed her eyes. But even the warrior was unable to get past the years of consultant-honed fake sincerity.
"I don't trust him," said Colleen. "He's always trying to manipulate everything."
"Well, that's true…and you shouldn't trust me," said Rich. "But that's honestly the direction he headed. Listen. I want you all off the island. And I figure Tapert's the key to getting you out of here. And with you gone, I can get back to winning Survivor."
"What makes you think you'll win?" frowned Colleen.
"Nice guys and gals finish last," smiled Rich patiently.
"Not always," grumbled Colleen.
"Xena, it's going to be impossible to find him if we don't keep moving," interrupted Gabrielle.
The three women headed off into the direction Rich had indicated. The corpulent consultant had indeed been telling the truth.
"Have fun," he chortled as the beautiful trio ran out of earshot. "You'll find Tapert when the Island Goddesses are ready for you to." Rich turned and headed toward the Survivor camp.
*******
Jenna was holding Mini-Me Rich in her arms.
"Oh, you're so cute...yes you are! Yes you are!" she cooed at the DemonRichSpawn. The child was trying desperately to squirm away.
"Back off, chick," the spawn spat, leaping out of her grasp. It turned and spied Rich trudging into camp.
"Daddy One!" it squealed in delight. Rich smiled and bent down, hugging the baby.
Jenna burst into tears. "A family reunited," she cried. "That's so sweet."
"Well, we're not completely reunited," said Rich, oozing more fake sincerity to get Jenna to work with him. "We need to find Daddy Two, don't we, honey?"
"Baby Rich has twooo daddies," cooed Jenna.
"Where's Daddy Two?" sniffled the DemonRichSpawn. "Doesn't he love me?"
"Oh, honey, I'm sure he loves you," said Jenna. She turned to Rich. "He needs his Daddy Two," she cried.
"Yes, he does, and we're going to go find him and be one, big happy family again," said Rich to Jenna. She nodded, tears streaming down her face.
Rich grasped Mini-Me's hand and began to walk away from camp.
"I think your Daddy's had juuussst enough time to get completely hysterical. Let's go find him and push him over the edge, shall we?" said Rich. "We've got a job to finish and I've got a contest to win."
Waving his pitchfork in the air, tail whipping back and forth like a cat, and hooves making tiny indentations in the ground, the offspring of a love that definitely dare not speak its name…and Rich…headed into the jungle.
---------
Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle, followed by Colleen, continued to track Tapert, but they were getting no closer to the executive.
"Who knew that guy could move so fast," said a frustrated Xena.
"You would have thought we would have found him by following his screams," said Gabrielle. "But I haven't heard a peep out of him for awhile now."
"Maybe the goddesses don't want you to find him yet," offered Colleen. "Between you and me, I don't think they're quite finished torturing him."
"Well, I'm finished having my chain yanked by these Island Goddesses," Xena said angrily.
The threesome heard a strange whirring noise in the distance accompanied by the murmuring of two deep voices.
Xena and Gabrielle crouched down, pulling Colleen down with them.
"I'm going to go check that out," whispered Xena. "Maybe it's something to do with the Island Goddessess."
"If it isn't, we're going to get that much further behind Tapert," noted Gabrielle. "Let me go after him while you check that out. Then you can catch up with me."
"I don't like splitting up, but I can't think of a better plan," said Xena. The bard nodded and the dark warrior slipped into the jungle undergrowth.
Gabrielle began to move when she noticed the co-ed behind her.
"No, I don't want you following me. Go hide over there, just in case," whispered the bard, pointing to a nearby bush.
"I'm beginning to feel like first-season Gabrielle," sighed Colleen as she took up reluctant residence in the green foliage.
Gabrielle stepped away from the co-ed and began to look around. Using her well-honed tracking knowledge, she could tell Tapert had already been through the clearing. She began looking for broken twigs and footprints to ascertain which direction he was headed. She found a path and began to follow it. Deeper into the undergrowth and further away from Xena and Colleen, the bard found a small swath of cloth. The blonde Amazon was checking it over for clues when a hand grabbed her shoulder from behind.
Meanwhile, Xena was closing in on the strange whirring noise. She peered through the undergrowth and saw two large, burly men in uniform on a chariot that seemed to be floating on air.
"I wonder when the Island Goddesses will show," said one of the men loudly, glancing about.
The Warrior Princess smiled at the mention of the Island Goddesses. That explained the floating chariot and these must be some of the goddesses' lackeys! She exploded from the undergrowth, delivering her patented I'm gonna kick your ass warrior cry.
The men whirled to see a dark-haired, leggy, charging warrior running directly at them. Their eyes widened in terror. One of the uniformed men finally found the presence of mind to grab for the controls of the hovercraft, but his fear made his hands clumsy and he found himself flailing about going nowhere.
"Get us out of here!" screamed the other man, unable to pry his eyes off the frighteningly beautiful warrior running his way.
Just as Xena came upon the chariot, the first man managed to find forward and spun away from her.
Xena began chasing the hovercraft, determined to get the men and certain they knew something of the Island Goddesses. The warrior put on a sudden burst of speed. She somersaulted into the air, defying all laws of gravity and physics, and landed on the hovercraft between the extremely surprised men.
"It takes a lot more than a speeding chariot to get rid of me, boys," smiled Xena.
The warrior then snarled, grabbing one of the men by his collar and flinging him off the machine. She looked ahead to see that she and the remaining guard were on a collision course with a giant tree. Grabbing hold of the second man, the warrior leapt from the hovercraft a split second before it crashed into the tree.
The Warrior Princess and the guard rolled a few feet. Xena leapt up off the ground. The guard looked groggily about just as the warrior punched his neck. He began to gulp for breath.
"You'll be dea…" began Xena.
"We were sent to make sure you were kept away from Gabrielle for a few minutes," the man gasped out in a frantic rush.
"You said something about the Island Goddesses back there," continued Xena.
"We were told to do that so you would follow us. It was…" -gasp- "a trick. Burnett didn't think he could handle you and the blonde together," the man explained.
With a deep, throaty growl, Xena quickly released the neck pinch and then punched the man in the face, knocking him unconscious.
"Gabrielle," she whispered and began running.
----------
As the hand took hold of the bard, her warrior instincts took over. The blonde Amazon spun, delivering a bone-rattling roundhouse kick to her assailant's chest who fell to the jungle floor on his back, gasping like a fish. Gabrielle shoved her boot onto the assailant's neck and looked down, snarling. Her eyes widened in surprised recognition.
It was Burnett. And near the prone man was what appeared to be a flying machine of some sort.
"What's going on," growled the bard, her foot to Burnett's throat.
"Help. Trying to help…you," gasped the producer who waved a small, white piece of paper in his hand. "Island Goddesses…not much time."
Gabrielle took her boot off Burnett's neck and backed away warily. He climbed off the ground, brushing the dirt off his khakis and rubbing his neck. Gabrielle reached quickly to her boots and unsheathed her sais.
"Wow, that was truly amazing, mate," said Burnett, coughing, his eyes watering.
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow at the producer.
"Oh. Uh. Yes, of course. My crew has found incredibly intense isotope levels and high magnetic polarity at the middle of the island," Burnett said.
He noticed Gabrielle looking at him as if he were speaking English.
"I mean…we found the Island Goddesses' seat of power. Their Mount Olympus, if you will. This map shows you the way."
"How do you know about the goddesses?" asked Gabrielle suspiciously.
"Who doesn't know about them by now," said Burnett. "They're not exactly into covert behavior."
"Why do you want to help us find them?" asked Gabrielle, not sure whether she should trust the producer.
"Simple," smiled Burnett. "This is my island. I'm the power here. I want the Island Goddesses gone so I can produce my television series and make lots of money."
"That was simple," said Gabrielle.
"Now, we've been monitoring their hide-out and the energy levels are reaching critical mass and a meltdown is imminent," continued the producer.
Gabrielle squinted at Burnett.
The Aussie searched for a non-scientific explanation. "Um, they're about to lose their goddesshoods. And if that happens, you and Xena will be stuck here on this island...forever."
Grabielle gasped in shock.
Burnett didn't know if Xena and Gabrielle would be stuck if the Island Goddesses lost their power. He had just said that in an attempt to scare Gabrielle into going along with his plan.
"But they'll find out I have the map and stop us from finding them," Gabrielle interrupted the producer's sneaky train of thought.
"They don't know you have the map," said Burnett, reaching into his back pocket.
Gabrielle moved to launch a sai at the producer.
"Easy, easy," said Burnett, pulling out a small pen. The contraption was emitting a lavender, glowing light much like the light that had oozed from the fan fiction time rip.
"We were able to map their energy DNA. >From that we constructed this device to interrupt the isotopic rayon periscopes," said Burnett.
Gabrielle squinted in confusion.
"Um, it's magic…from the gods..."
"Which god," said a suspicious Gabrielle.
"Gadgetdite," replied Burnett hastily. "Basically, it hides you from the Island Goddesses' vision."
"Like Hades' helmet," said the bard.
It was Burnett's turn to squint.
"Hades. God of the Underworld…"
Burnett looked at her blankly trying to access what little mythology he could remember. "Hades. God of the Underworld. That's like our hell," he mused.
"When Xena and I were in Tartarus, we could put on Hades' helmet of invisibility and none of the gods could see us," explained the bard.
"Yes. Yes! Just like Hades' helmet but with a bonus. They can't hear you, either," said Burnett. "However, we don't know how long this magic will last and you have to stand no further than ten feet away from the light."
"How do you know it works?" asked Gabrielle.
"Um, cause I say so?" tried Burnett.
The bard frowned.
"Actually, mate, we tested it. The Island Goddesses don't seem to like anything to do with Joxer," said Burnett
"Or Ares," interjected Gabrielle.
"Well, that makes sense. They seem to believe that you and Xena belong together. Anyway, we played a video of Joxer singing the Joxer the Mighty song over and over again. When the pen was on, nothing happened because they couldn't see or hear the video. But when we played the video away from the pen…or with the pen off…invariably a large rock would plummet from the sky and crush the television playing the video."
"That sounds like the Island Goddesses, all right," said Gabrielle dryly.
"Listen, this has been a nice conversation and all, but you've got to hurry if you want to get to the Island Goddesses," urged Burnett.
"I have to find Tapert first," said Gabrielle. "He's in trouble and he needs help."
Burnett looked at the bard in utter disbelief.
"You're kidding, right, mate? That man is responsible for the hell you've been through the past few years: literally and figuratively. Leave him to his just desserts, I say."
Gabrielle frowned. "We're not leaving without Tapert. He deserves to go home, too."
Burnett shook his head. "You really are a good person, aren't you? What a waste," he sighed. "All right. We made a few magic pens. I have a second one," he pulled another pen from his other back pocket "So that I can get back to the compound without the Island Goddesses finding out what I've been up to. I'll make a detour on the way back, find Tapert and get him to the Island Goddesses where you all can meet up."
"Agreed," said Gabrielle. Burnett stepped forward. The blonde warrior moved into attack position, wielding her lethal sais.
"I'm not trying anything. Honest, mate," said Burnett warily. He placed the map and the pen on the ground in front of Gabrielle. The Survivor producer backed away, palms facing the bard so that she would know he meant her no harm. He climbed onto the hovercraft.
"Good luck. I hope you find a way off my island and back home," he said. Burnett took off into the jungle as he muttered under his breath and out of Gabrielle's earshot. "Because if this doesn't work, I'm gonna blow up their little Island Goddess play pen."
Gabrielle waited until the producer was out of sight before picking up the map and the strange contraption Burnett left behind.
The bard knew the producer wasn't being completely truthful. She felt it in her bones. But she believed he wanted the Island Goddesses off the island. And she now had a map of their location, and possibly a magical tool.
"So, we're going to finally meet these Island Goddesses," she thought. Gabrielle hoped she and Xena were up to the task…or battle, if need be.
"I'm getting tired of duking it out with gods," sighed the bard. "This time we're gonna try talking."
Gabrielle held up the map and began to look it over when she heard a familiar warrior cry.
Xena and Colleen crashed into the clearing. Xena had her sword and chakram drawn, and was yelling her battle roar at the top of her lungs.
Gabrielle immediately unsheathed her sais, spinning around.
Xena and Colleen spun around the clearing as well. Warrior and bard faced each other. Collen's eyes darted back and forth between the blonde and the dark warrior. No one moved. Gabrielle was first to break the lethal, weapon-drawn silence.
"Um, what's up?" Gabrielle asked.
"I thought you were in danger," said a sheepish Xena, sheathing her sword and hitching her chakram. "But, obviously, you're just fine."
"Awww. You're so cute," smiled Gabrielle, scrunching her nose and smiling.
"Gaaabrielle," warned Xena. "You can't call me cute in front of people. It takes away from my warrior image… Hey, what's that you got there?" Xena asked, pointing at the map and glowing pen.
The Amazon handed the map to the warrior and briefed her and Colleen on all that had happened with Burnett.
"Gabrielle, with their powers, the Island Goddesses could just hide the entrance to their Mount Olympus or keep us running in circles for hours," said Xena.
"This is true," the blonde acknowledged. "But we know from Fifth-usia that they can't possibly see everything all of the time. And with this magic weapon, they won't know what we're up to."
"If it works and Burnett isn't just jerking us around like everyone else on this island," interrupted the warrior.
"He definitely has his own agenda," acknowledged Gabrielle. "But I think that works in our favor as well, Xena. He wants us off the island and we want to get off the island. If we're careful, we've got a chance of finding the goddesses without them catching on."
"Then what?" asked Xena.
"Sensitive chat time," replied Gabrielle.
Xena and Colleen stared at Gabrielle in disbelief.
"Oh, no, it's viscious butt kicking time," exclaimed the Warrior Princess.
"What she said," added the co-ed.
Xena and Gabrielle looked at Colleen in shock.
"Well, it's obvious Tapert's never going to get it," shrugged Colleen. "So the goddesses…as beautiful, gorgeous and fabulous as they are…need to just get over it."
"We've seen their power, you two," cajoled Gabrielle. "Let's try talking first, whaddaya say?"
"I don't want to!" said a very frustrated warrior. "We're never going to get home by talking."
"Xena, come on. We've been fighting gods for years now. Just this once…let's talk. Please," said the bard, using her sweetest I'm gonna get what I want look. "Come on, you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar."
"Bees sting, Gabrielle. Try a different analogy," Xena said, folding her hands over her plentiful chest.
"OK, OK, you can attract more…flies with honey than vinegar," the bard tried again. "Talking is good, you know."
"Well, you can talk just about anyone into anything. Including Cyclops," smiled the warrior as she relented. "All right. We'll try it your way but if there's any back talk from these goddesses, it's butt-kickin' time."
"Sounds like a plan," smiled Gabrielle.
The three women gathered to look the map over. Xena committed most of it to memory. She thrust the map at Gabrielle.
"Here, you keep it," said Xena.
"What am I, a pack mule? You've got more room to store this than I do," declared Gabrielle.
"I do not!" exclaimed Xena.
Gabrielle looked at the warrior in exasperation. "Well, there's a great argument," muttered the bard. She snagged the map and began to fold it…and fold…and fold…and fold.
"Hurry," said Xena, tapping her foot.
"Listen. I have to fold this up teeny tiny. There's barely enough room to breathe in this outfit, let alone store important parchments," said the bard. "And why do I always wear such small outfits?"
"Cause you look hot in them," offered Colleen.
Xena narrowed her eyes at the co-ed. Gabrielle blushed. Colleen rolled her eyes, and grabbed the map.
"She just called you cute and you lost an argument to her. Do you think I'm intimidated anymore?" queried the co-ed.
"See!" exclaimed Xena to Gabrielle.
"What?" said a mischievous bard.
"I'll put the map in my shorts pocket. I've got plenty of room," bubbled Colleen.
The threesome headed for the Island Goddesses' hide-out
--------
Tapert, meanwhile, had been running for days it seemed. In reality, well, fan-fiction reality, it had only been about five minutes. But the executive was thirsty, tired and his belly button was sore. He was trying desperately not to think about Rich, the baby, or the Island Goddesses. He had to get away from it all and so he ran and ran until he simply collapsed on the jungle floor in exhaustion. Then he began crawling.
"Has to be a way out," the red-haired executive whimpered. "Has to be. I'm the power that be. The man with a plan. The dude with the...Hey, dude, where's my car," he giggled hysterically.
Tapert's head bumped into a hard object. He stopped and looked. He had bumped into a shoe. Tapert stared blankly and then looked up
"Hello, mate," said a big, burly man holding a glowing, lavender pen.
"Are you an Island Goddess come to torture me?" whispered Tapert.
"Do I look like a god-ess? Cause I'm not. But I am the most creative television producer known to mankind," replied Burnett.
"Nuh-uh. I am," chuckled Tapert deliriously.
Burnett frowned. He opened his mouth to argue, and then changed his mind. Now wasn't the time. And what do I care about what this no-talent American heathen producer thinks anyway? he thought.
The Survivor mastermind looked at his glowing lavender pen. The eerie light seemed to be less bright than when he had left Gabrielle. There wasn't much time and he needed to get Tapert on his way.
"Would you like to meet the Island Goddesses?" asked the Aussie, deciding to cut to the chase.
"I'd like to kick their asses!" yelled Tapert, climbing up off the ground. "But I don't know where they are…or even who they are," he sniffled.
"I know where they are and I can help you," said Burnett.
"You'd help me?" whispered Tapert hopefully, clutching onto Burnett's shirt. "No one has wanted to help me since I got on this island…well, maybe Gabrielle, but she doesn't count 'cause she's just the sidekick."
"Of course I'll help you, mate. We producers gotta stick together, right?" said Burnett, extricating his shirt from Tapert's sweaty grip.
"Yeah," the red-haired executve, wiping his tears away and smiling. "Yeah, we gotta stick together."
"Here's a map that will take you to the goddesses," Burnett pointed to a spot on the map. He then turned and pointed to some hills in the distance. "That's where they are. Can you find it from here?"
"That looks like two large breasts," exclaimed Tapert noticing the rolling hills for the first time. He snorted. "They would be holed up there."
Burnett brought Tapert back to the situation at hand. "Xena and Gabrielle are headed to the Island Goddesses hide-out. They have a pen just like this. When it's on, the goddesses can't see or hear you," explained Burnett.
A huge grin spread across Tapert's face as he took the offered pen. "Get out!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
"No, really, mate. It works. All you need to do is carry the pen, follow the map and meet up with Xena and Gabrielle. Easy as American baseball and apple pie." Burnett held the map out for Tapert.
The red-haired executive's eyes glazed over. "I'm saved! This pen will protect me from their song and dance madness!"
Tapert turned away from the offered map and began walking in the opposite direction of the breast hills.
Burnett frowned.
"The Island Goddesses are in that direction," he called after the retreating Tapert.
"Yeah, I know," giggled the red-haired executive. "I'm going to go find a nice, quiet place on the island and just sit with this pen. They'll never find me now. No more torture for me!"
Burnett was stunned by Tapert's cowardice. "You don't want to hide from them! You want to rule them, mate!"
"No, trust me. I want to hide," said Tapert as he continued walking.
Burnett's steely producer mind scrambled. If Tapert didn't show up at the Island Goddesses hide-out, he knew Gabrielle would come looking for him. Burnett had to try a different approach with the red-haired executive.
"Time for a little tough producer love," muttered Burnett.
"So, you're gonna let the Island Goddesses win?" called out the Survivor producer. "Everyone will think the goddesses were right about everything, you know. That Season Five really was a pile of stinking poo. That you're a terrible producer with no creativity…"
"Yeah. That's about right," said Tapert serenely, stopping to stare at the glowing object in his hand. "Preeeeecccciiioussss," he gurgled, his eyes madly reflecting its lavender glow.
"…and that Xena and Gabrielle are much, much more than friends…they're hot, rolling around like weasels lovers."
Tapert stopped. His eyes lost their glaze and came into focus. He turned and snarled.
"That's going too far…mate!"
Yeah, baby. That's my Tapert. Come on, now, thought Burnett. "So the Island Goddesses really are the Power that Be?" he said out loud. "They're the ones ruling the show?"
Tapert began to growl. "I'm the power that be! Me! I don't need no stinkin' Island Goddesses!"
"Then prove it," taunted Burnett. "Defeat the Island Goddesses."
Tapert's shoulders sagged. "I can't. They're too powerful."
Burnett's mind spun for a solution. Well, I'll just lie…er…edit this outcome to my liking just like I do on Survivor, he thought.
"Oh, but you can. This pen doesn't just hide you from the goddesses, it's also a weapon. It renders the Island Goddesses helpless and without any power. All you have to do is stand close to them…and -zap- they're gone."
"I don't want to stand close to them," shuddered Tapert.
"Do you want to be the Power that Be again?" questioned Burnett.
"Yessssssss," said Tapert, looking at the pen with awe and hope.
"Well, you've got everything you need to do it with right there, mate. Now, take the map. Go find those Island Goddesses."
Tapert reached out with a shaky hand and plucked the map from Burnett. He began to read it over, looking up at the breast hills and back down. He looked unsure and afraid.
"You can do it, Tapert," urged Burnett. "Do it for all the producers all over the world who have ever been picked on by the fans."
"Yeah…" said Tapert, his shoulders losing their sag.
"You're Rob Tapert, executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess. You've got money, power and a really hot wife…"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm the Power that Beeeeeee!" screamed Tapert.
Burnett smiled. He climbed back onto his hovercraft.
"Good luck, mate," he said as he whizzed off into the jungle.
"Awww, jheeesh," complained Tapert, looking after the retreating Survivor producer. "Couldn't he have left me that little flying thingie? It'd make things easier. Man, I sure could use one of those around the set."
The red-haired executive sighed, looking at the round, luscious hills in the distance.
"Alllll right, then. Time to kick some Island Goddess booo-tay." And he set off for the hills.
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