Chapter 4
I leaned on the truck and jingled my keys restlessly, apprehension churning in my stomach as I waited for Jen to emerge from the shop. I straightened as the door suddenly opened. My eyes widened as I took in the outfit Jen had changed into; a red spaghetti strap top was tucked into a pair of denim shorts that showed off her legs nicely. Black sandals encased her feet the toenails painted with a red polish to match. I hastily unlocked the truck as Jen finished setting the alarm.
"Ready to go?"
Jen smiled at me as she almost skipped to the truck. "Oh yeah, I'm jazzed your letting me come, this is going to be so much fun!" She slipped into the truck and strapped in. The look on her face turned a bit impatient as she waited for me to get in.
I got inside and put on my seatbelt. Starting the truck I put it in gear. My hand brushed Jen's shoulder as I rested it behind the passenger headrest as I looked behind me. I didn't fully trust just using the rear view mirror, I knew too many people who had wrecked by relying only on them. At the entrance to the lot I waited for a break in the traffic to exit.
"Can I turn on the radio?" Jen was reaching for the power button as she asked.
"Sure, go ahead" I quirked a smile as she flipped through the stations quickly before choosing one. Lady by Lenny Kravitz rumbled from the speakers. I bumped the bass up a little. "Not a bad choice" I complemented her. "This is a good song"
"I like his stuff" Jen bopped her head to the beat as she quietly sang along. Her soft tones filled the cab as she echoed his words.
I listened silently my fingers tapping along on the steering wheel as she sang to a few more songs before we pulled into the driveway. The doors slammed as we got out. "Come on, I'll introduce you to my grandma" I got a surge of satisfaction from finally being able to say that. I'd always thought of her as that in my mind since I had been a teen.
The door opened before we reached the porch. "Well, Well who is this beautiful young lady your keeping company with Franklin?" Curious eyes looked Jen over before moving to me. "She works with you doesn't she. I believe I've seen her quite a few times at your shop"
I hugged her before answering. "This is Jen Rangel. Yes she does work for me but she's also one of my good friends. She would like to join us today if you wouldn't mind"
"Oh no, that would be fine with me" She patted me on the shoulder before turning to Jen.
"I remember you were always so sweet to me. You look at bit different out of your uniform. I almost didn't recognize you" She shook Jen's hand. "Please do come with us"
I wondered if the smile that spread on Jen's face would ever dim. "Franklin's told me a lot about you, so I knew I just had to meet you in person. Thanks for being so kind Mrs. Carmicheal"
"Call me Trudy"
I broke into the love fest that was going on right in front of me. "Are you ready to go grandma, do you have a list of things you need?"
"Oh yes my dear, let me go get my things and we can get going" Trudy went back into the house.
"I think she's sweet Franklin" Jen leaned on a porch post as we waited. "I'm almost envious of you"
"Why's that?"
"My grandparents live in England so I've only see them maybe once every couple of years. I speak to them on the phone sometimes but it's just not the same as spending time with them, do you know what I mean?"
"England huh?" That explained the faint traces of an accent her and her family still retained even living here for most of their lives. I liked the lilt it gave to her words sometimes. What could I say, I had a weakness for women with accents I'd always loved them. "Both sets?"
"Just my moms parents, the others died before I was born. I never knew them"
"I'm sorry to hear that"
"Thanks, but its just a fact of life you get used to after awhile" Jen folded her arms as she exhaled a breath that ruffled her bangs.
"I'd be more then happy to share mine if you want" Movements at the door made me realize belatedly that the subject of our conversation could have overheard the end of our conversation.
"Lending me out already Franklin?"
Her eyes twinkled as she asked making me understand that she wasn't upset in the least. I could feel the heat on my face as I flushed in mortification. "Well…Uhmm" I didn't know what to say to extract myself from this embarrassing position I'd put myself in.
She helped out by turning to Jen with her arms open. "I suppose you can call me grandma now since it looks like I suddenly got a new grandchild"
Jen eyes suddenly grew wet with tears. "Are you sure?"
"Yes child, if you're close enough to Franklin to be a friend then you must be special. My grandchild doesn't waste her time with anyone who isn't" She hugged Jen firmly as she sank into the embrace. She patted her back. "Now we have some shopping to do don't we?"
"I was thinking we could eat first" I opened the passenger door and helped Trudy inside. "It tends to be a little dangerous to shop on an empty stomach" Jen got in the back as I slid into the drivers seat. "Any particular place sound good to you Grandma?"
"Maybe Bob Evans?" She glanced at the small silver watch that hung on a chain around her neck. "It's almost six but I have a sudden hankering for breakfast"
I recalled giving that to her when I was eighteen. I smiled at seeing her still using it. "Breakfast it is then" I backed the truck out of the driveway and headed for the Bob Evans that was further in towards town.
"After eating we'll go to Johnson's Marketplace to shop" I reached into my shirt pocket and handed Trudy the visa card. "Here I figured this would be the easiest way to do things. It's a reloadable credit card in your name. I can keep an eye on the balance so you won't get too low"
Trudy took the card and studied it silently. "It won't affect my social security?"
I shook my head. "No, it doesn't show up at your bank. It's done from my account so there's no way they'll ever find out about it"
"I don't know what to say"
Glancing over, I saw wet eyes watching me gratefully. "You don't need to say anything, it's my pleasure and duty to make sure you have anything you need" I turned into the parking lot of Bob Evans. I parked and turned off the ignition. Taking off my seat belt, I turned slightly in my seat to face her. "I put two thousand on the card to get started, so make sure you get everything you need when we're shopping"
Trudy covered her mouth in shock. "Can you afford to do that much?"
I felt Jen squeeze my shoulder. "Easily, so don't worry about it" I laid my hand on Jen's briefly then slid out of the truck. "Now come on I'm hungry"
*****************
Jen and Trudy disappeared into an aisle further up as they chatted with each other happily. I glanced around, not seeing anyone in the immediate vicinity I grinned. Resting my left foot on the lower rack of the cart I pushed off rapidly with my other. My hair flew back as I rode the cart down the center aisle.
"Franklin, what are you doing?"
I put my foot down and mournfully halted my forward motion. I spun the cart around to see Jen standing at the head of the aisle way with her hands on her hips. "Nothing" I tried to act like she just hadn't caught me riding a cart like a ten year old.
Jen's face remained serious for a moment then she broke out in a grin. "It looked like fun"
I relaxed as soon as she did. "Want a ride?" I offered eagerly. It was great she didn't consider it an immature thing to do as most people would.
She looked seriously tempted but shook her head. "Better not, come on Grandma wanted a jumbo pack of toilet tissue but it's on a higher shelf and we can't reach it"
I followed her to where Trudy was patiently waiting. Reaching up, I grabbed ahold of the package and pulled it down. I stuffed it on the bottom shelf of the cart. I turned to see Trudy's knowing smile.
Trudy looked at Jen. "She was riding the cart again wasn't she?"
I sighed as Jen burst into delighted laughter. "Yeah, she was. How did you guess?"
"She's done that as long as I've known her. I could never figure out why she persisted in doing it"
"I just like it" I grumbled sullenly.
Jen's arms slid around my waist. "Don't worry; I know why you do it. It's probably the same reason I do" she whispered in my ear. "You like the wind whipping past, it's a freeing sensation isn't it?"
I clasped her hands and pressed them against my stomach. "It is" I reluctantly pulled out of her embrace my pulse pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. "Come on, let's get the rest of grandmas stuff"
I followed them through the rest of the store wordlessly. Spending the evening with Jen had been nothing short of a struggle; it had been much harder than I'd anticipated. I had been exceptionally thankful for Trudy's calming presence. I groaned as an image of Jen eating her pancakes flashed in my mind's eye. The way she'd licked the sticky syrup off her lips between each bite had been a lesson in restraint. I'd had to force myself to continue eating my own meal, glancing down at my scrambled eggs I had fervently wished I'd ordered the same thing. It would have probably helped curb the feeling of wanting to lick the syrup off Jen's lips for her.
"Franklin"
A voice broke into my thoughts. I glanced up to see Jen watching me with a strange look on her face. "What?"
"I've been talking to you for the last five minuets. You didn't hear anything I said did you?"
I couldn't place the tone in her voice. "Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. What did you want?"
"We're finished, we can check out now. That is, if you're ready" she said brusquely.
I watched her as she strode away. She seemed upset with me but I had no idea what I'd done wrong. I could feel myself pulling away emotionally as I became more and more remote. When I got upset, I tended to distance myself, closing down to protect myself from the situation. Most people called me unfeeling and cold when that happened, not knowing it was an instinctive reaction of self-preservation. I never let them see how those words hurt me causing me to compound the problem by retreating further inside myself at the attack. I could almost physically feel the mask drop into place over my face.
I knew my smile didn't reach my eyes as I joined them in the checkout line. I kept them down knowing Jen would be able to see something was wrong. After finally checking out, I was relived to be able to settle my sunglasses into place happy to have a more impregnable shield. I could fake things easier now that my eyes were fully covered. Jen helped me load the groceries into the back of truck.
"Since we'll pass by your house Jen, I'll take you home first" I stiffened as she touched my back. I heard her breath catch as she dropped her hand.
"That's probably a good idea" Resignation filled her voice as she turned away and got into the truck.
I felt the emotion almost slide off my layer of protection as I pulled them tighter at the flare of upset that her response caused. My stomach churned in reaction to the stress. I still had no idea why she was angry with me but right now it didn't matter. I just wanted to drop everyone off and then retreat to the safety of my own home.
*************
I dropped down into the armchair without bothering to turn on any light to dispel the gathering darkness; right now it suited my mood just fine. I stared ahead unseeingly as the last several hours continued to play through my mind like a sickening film caught in an endless loop. I felt myself flinch as the scene that had played out when I dropped Jen at her house replayed again.
"Franklin, I don't know what's wrong with you. Your not acting like you normally do"
Safely protected inside my defenses the trace of hurt in her voice didn't register. "Have you ever thought that maybe I might be tired of acting if nothings wrong all the time" I spat back, the strain of hiding my secret from her stretching my control past the breaking point.
Jen jerked back in reaction to the anger. "Acting, what the hell do you mean by that?" Her voice rose, as she grew more and more irate.
Nausea rose in my throat as I responded, I loathed conflict. "I can't keep being just a friend," I shouted without considering my words before speaking "Not anymore" I whispered to myself. I don't know if I was more disappointed or more relived when she missed what I had truly said before responding to the obvious fury in my voice.
Her face turned ashen before her lips firmed. "I guess that's it then, you can consider your acting ordeal over" She raked me with a bitter look then slammed her front door behind her as she disappeared into her house.
I forced the tears back as I headed back to the truck. Even the fact that Trudy had observed what had just occurred failed to penetrate the defenses I wrapped around myself tighter and tighter.
She waited until we were driving away before speaking. "You love her don't you?"
"Yes" I caught a last glimpse of Jen's house in my rearview mirror before losing sight of it as I turned the corner. "Not that it matters anymore"
"Franklin, don't you think your making a big mistake to just leave it like this?"
Trudy reached out to touch me but dropped her hand halfway there when my hands tightened on the steering wheel. I didn't think my barriers would hold up if she touched me. "It would of happened eventually, it's better that it's now then later"
"For what it's worth I think your making a huge mistake" She didn't saying anything else except to thank me when I helped her put away the groceries before taking my leave.
I rose from my seat and rushed to the bathroom as my stomach suddenly lurched. I barely made it to the toilet before loosing everything I had eaten earlier. It felt like I had thrown up for hours before the spasms finally died away. I rested my head against the cool porcelain carefully taking in several breaths; my throat and ribs ached from the violent force they had just endured. I hauled myself to my feet and washed my mouth out with several mouthfuls of cold water.
I raised my head and looked into the mirror. Flat dark gray eyes looked back at me. It did seem as if my eyes were trying to reflect the turmoil that roiled within me. I watched as a furrow appeared on my forehead before my reflection blurred, tears filled my eyes as my barriers finally dropped and the horror of what had happened hit me fully for the first time. My legs weakening, I stumbled back till I hit the wall behind me. My chest grew tight as I slid to the floor; I curled up as sobs shook my body. My head started to pound from the force of the anguish that erupted from me in waves, but I was helpless to stop them.
I must have cried myself to sleep. A steady pounding on the front door woke me. I blearily fought to open my eyes; the brightness from the bathroom light had me hastily covering them with a low moan as my head reminded me that my raging headache was still present and accounted for. I groaned as I sat up, my muscles protesting against the surface they had been forced to endure. Rising to my feet, I headed towards the door trying not to flinch as I moved. I didn't know if my head hurt more then my body or vice versa. The pounding got more insistent as I went towards the front door. "Goddamn it, would you wait a freaking minute" I shouted. I clutched my head as it threatened to explode at the ill-advised action. The person must have heard me as the pounding abruptly stopped. I gave a passing thought to the sight I must look like before shrugging as I flipped on the outdoor light then yanked open the door. "Now what the hell is so damn important…" I didn't think I could get any paler as I took in the figure on my doorstep.
Jen's eyes met mine. "Grandma called me, I think we need to talk"
I hazily saw her reach for me as my body absolutely refused to deal with anything else. For the first time in my adult life I passed out cold right there in the doorway.
Continued...