Part 11
*****
Barbara closed the door to Dinah's room and went directly to her own, where the first thing she did was turn on her personal laptop. She had her own T1 internet connection independent of the three G3 lines that were used for Delphi, this was for her personal use or the girls, that way she assured herself that the bandwidth was always free for the fight against crime.
Once the session was initialized, she checked the airlines for the first flight out to San Francisco, what she had heard before announcing her presence was spinning around in her head...
Barbara needs to hear the truth and you need to tell her. What truth was Dinah talking about? It was obvious that there was more to Helena's sudden departure and that the young blonde knew what that reason was. She knew it would be useless to try to trick Dinah to tell her, if her deductions were correct she had known all along, and if that was the case, it was obvious that Helena had asked her to keep the secret. In which case she understood Dinah's silence, she was keeping a promise to Helena, but why Helena would be reluctant to tell her, and the most important thing was what truth? Which only left her one option: to go in search of the truth. She was tired of living without Helena, it was as if she was dying slowly each day with Helena's absence and she couldn't take it any longer. Whatever the truth was she would rather know now, dealing with the consequences later and know where she stood.
There is a saying that if the mountain does not come to Mohammad, Mohammad would go to the mountain, therefore, that's what she intended to do. If Helena wasn't willing to contact her, whatever the reason was, then she would make her tell her. Either for good or bad, the silence had gone beyond tolerable limits. They had promised each other, after Helena had found out that she had kept hidden from her the suspicions they had about Clayface as the possible assassin of her mother, that they would not keep any secrets from each other, their relationship was just too important to be tainted with secrets and half-truths.
Which lead her to ask the obvious, what did Helena find so terrible that she didn't dare to tell her the truth?
Once she had reserved a flight for tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. and made a reservation at a hotel close to where Helena lived, Barbara called Ashley. Explaining to Ashley that what she was about to do was going to be complicated, after all she wasn't used to explaining her actions, much less asking for personal favors, but she had no other choice if she wanted to keep secret the truth reason of her trip.
"In other words Barbara, if I understand you correctly, you are paying for flight and hotel for me and Liz to spend a few days in DC, and if anyone should ask me, we are there for a nano tech conference?" She sounded very disconcerted. In the time they had known Barbara Gordon, she had never asked anything as odd as this.
"Yes Ashley, please, it's important that no one knows were I am really going." She confided.
"And where are you going?" She asked. "I understand that you don't want the rest to know Barbara, but at least tell me, that way I'll know where you are in case something happens."
"San Francisco" she said tersely.
"San Francisco" Ashley repeated. "What business do you have in San Francisco Gordon?"
"Helena." She responded without elaboration.
"Oh." Was her reply, one day when Barbara was overly depressed had confided her feelings for the young woman and how much she was suffering by her absence, she didn't have to know more. The most surprising what that the redhead had even confided in her, she was always so distant, so involved in herself. Nevertheless, she had learned that Barbara just didn't have time to feel, actually, she didn't want to, her friendship and trust were based on what both of them had achieved in their investigation of the procedure they had created, that confidence that lets you know that your career depends on the confidence of the other. "Is that where she's been all this time?"
"Yes, Dinah ran into her just by chance. I have to go and talk with her Ash, I have to...I need to talk to her."
"Yes, yes Babs, I understand, go a head, I'll tell Liz of our new plans, and I'm assuming you will take care of the authorizations at Wayne Laboratories?
"Exactly, I'll send all the info to your email first thing in the morning. Ash, thanks a mill."
"No need my friend, that's why we're here. Good luck and whatever comes out of it don't come back without telling her how you feel Barbara. It doesn't matter what she says or feels. You must tell her the truth."
"I will Ashley; the truth is the only thing that I have now." She sighed.
"Well take care and if you need anything don't hesitate to call me."
"Ok, I'll see you in a few days Ash."
"Bye."
The last call was to Dick, with him she needed to give no explanations, she asked him to cover for her in New Gotham for a few days while she attended a conference in DC. Dick accepted gladly and told her not to worry; he would be arriving in at New Gotham in the evening.
Once the arrangements were made for her absence and her fictitious trip, Barbara prepared a suitcase with the basics, she didn't need much really. She didn't know how long she would be there but she didn't think that it would be more than a couple of days. She would take her motorized chair but would try to walk as much as possible depending on the accessibility of the city.
Feeling anxious and peaceful at the same time, Barbara lay down and slept without restless dreams for the first time in two years. Just knowing that in less than 24 hours, she would be in facing Helena was the reason for her peace of mind. It was illogical, Barbara should be feeling totally the opposite, however, ironically knowing it made her feel thrilled.
*****
Barbara never married Wade
Barbara never married Wade.
Barbara never married Wade.
Dinah's voice saying those words kept repeating themselves over and over again in her ears like a sound of a bell going off. They didn't make any fucking sense, Barbara had seemed determined to marry him. Helena knew she loved him enough to be able to take that step. Damn it, she trusted him enough to tell him the truth about the "Muffin top business".
Then why? She asked herself in disbelief
Why?
Helena was completely stunned, more than that shocked, dumbfounded and anything else that could be used to describe it. One part of her was happy for the truth, knowing that Barbara hadn't married the stupid Wade Brixton was so fucking good. That had been the best news that she had heard in years. However, damn if it made any sense!
It didn't make sense either that Barbara would have quit teaching, a job that Barbara had held since graduating from the University, one that she knew she adored. What would have driven Red to make such a drastic decision? Not even after Barbara had been left paraplegic, had she given up teaching, it had been an option for her. Even if it had taken her months to recover physically and mentally she had returned. Barbara had done it with renewed energy determined not to let her handicap bring her down. Not only had Barbara found the way to return and do an excellent job but she had also found a way to continue being a vigilante for New Gotham even if it was only in the trenches.
Unable to remain inactive or alone with her chaotic thoughts, Helena called Leah and asked if she could go to her house. She needed to talk to someone. Leah immediately agreed she must have heard something in her voice that alerted her to something was going on with her friend. Leah told her she would be waiting for her and hung up. As she waited for Helena to arrive, Leah opened a bottle of wine and prepared some snacks. Helena always seemed to be hungry and she never denied a good snack.
As soon as Leah saw Helena's tormented face she knew something had happened, the young woman looked pale and on edge. Ever since they had met over a year ago, had she ever seen her like this? Helena looked preoccupied, anxious, and distressed, as if she had received bad news.
"Helena, come in, come in. You look awful. What's going on? "She asked in concern.
Helena laughed bitterly, awful did not describe what she felt and Leah must have noticed her expression by the way her eyebrows rose in question.
"Do you want something to drink? I have an Italian wine open."
"Vodka, do you have vodka, I need something stronger than wine." She said in a tired voice.
"Of course, come in, sit down." She said worriedly.
Helena knew her friend's condo well, so she headed directly to the living room, threw herself on the sofa and curled up, her head buried in her hands. When Leah saw her this way she got even more worried. What could have happened? It had been only five hours ago that she had dropped her off at her house after lunch.
"Here, I put ice in it. It's Grey Goose is that ok?" she gave her a tumbler with the clear drink.
"Great, thanks Leah." She smiled appreciatively, swallowing her drink all at once, taking the writer by complete surprise and asking for another.
"For heaven's sake Helena, tell me what's going on you're scaring me" Leah begged sitting down next to her and taking her hand after she poured another drink.
"Well I'm just as frightened Leah." She picked up her head for just a second and Leah gasped at the anguish that showed in her eyes. "I...fuck, Barbara...she..."
"Did something happen to Barbara?" Leah asked. She knew everything about the redhead. During the last two months spent up at her cabin in Colorado after their failed attempt at being something other than friends, they had both confessed their secret loves to each other.
Leah had told her about Shane McKenna, her old girlfriend from the university who had left her to marry a man due to pressure from her family. Shane was from a powerful Bostonian family with a lot of money and had great expectations for her, none of which included a lesbian only daughter.
Leah had never heard from her again, she had tried to contact Shane but she had never been able too. Her calls were always intercepted and it was only until Shane herself had answered and had asked her not to call again and told her that what they had, had only been an experiment and she was sorry, but that she was not like that. Since that day, she had not heard from her again but she had never been able to forget her either. How can you forget someone that was a part of your soul?
Leah understood Helena very well.
"No, no." Helena rushed to deny. "Thank goodness she's fine."
"Then..." she didn't understand Helena's behavior.
"It's complicated; I don't know what to feel Leah. I talked to Dinah a little while ago and she told me that..." She ruffled her bangs impatiently. "Barbara never got married to Wade."
"Nev..." She opened her eyes wide. "Oh Helena, what are you going to do? Are you going to go back?" She asked.
"I don't know; damn if I know anything. I'm too upset, I don't know what to feel Leah, she was...I don't know why she didn't get married, it doesn't make sense Leah." She said in distress.
Leah looked at her friend not knowing what to say for the moment.
"When did this happen?" That was important, after Helena had told her about her relationship with Barbara she had always thought that the redhead had felt something for Helena, but either she didn't know or she didn't want to accept it. If anyone knew about denial, it was she.
"Shortly after I left, Dinah says that a week after I disappeared from New Gotham, Barbara broke her engagement. Why would she do that Leah? It makes no sense!" She starred at Leah with a lost expression on her face, as if her friend might have the answers that she couldn't understand.
For Leah it all made perfect sense, but she wasn't quite sure how to tell Helena that without freaking her out.
"Perhaps she was too worried about you to concentrate on marrying him, don't you think?" she offered with a shrug.
"I don't know. Barbara and I had a horrible fight the last time, because of him." Not clearing up that even though the fight had centered around Wade it wasn't because of him per se, but how he had affected them.
"Helena perhaps Barbara felt guilty, or maybe so worried about your whereabouts and that was her priority not him."
"But she could have postponed the wedding, why didn't she get married?" She looked at her questioningly as if Leah had an answer for her.
"That is something only Barbara can answer Helena." She smiled. "Perhaps it's time for you to return and ask her yourself what her reasons were."
Helena raised her eyes and looked as if she were about to panic.
"No, I don't know if I can Leah, I don't know if I can see her again. It has taken me two years to learn to live without her. If I do see her once more I don't think I could ever leave her again. I don't want to go through that again." She said in agony. "If it isn't Wade, it'll be someone else and I couldn't stand it. Not anymore."
"Helena, how are you going to know if you don't talk to her?" Leah tried to reason with her.
"Damn it Leah, I have known Barbara for 17 years! I know how she thinks, how she feels. Oh, she loves me..." She said sarcastically. "But she's not in love with me. I'm just the misbehaved kid sister to her, the one that was always in some kind of trouble, an irresponsible chick, nothing else."
"Tell me that's not what you think of yourself?" She huffed in surprise. Helena had never spoken of herself in that manner before, full of despair and shame. "In all of this time that I've known you I would never had imagined you as that person you paint so colorfully."
"Oh for fuck's sake Leah, you've only known me for about two years, how would you know?" she growled.
"Because I don't need 17 years to know it" Leah didn't take it personal Helena's outburst "Helena all of us have a bit of a wild side in us when we are young, it's the law of life." When the young woman opened her mouth to protest Leah put up a hand. "Ok, not everyone, but Helena, we weren't born as mature adults. We have to learn from our errors, it's the only way and if you for a time had a wild streak just to call it something, does not mean that you have been all your life. Look at you now, not only you are a successful painter, but also are leading a healthy and upstanding lifestyle."
"But she never saw me like that Leah; I was always like a thorn in her side." She whispered "someone too immature for her, too young and untamable."
"Helena, what is it that really frightens you?" She looked into her eyes as she prepared another drink. "Don't tell me it's the idea that she might have another boyfriend? That's bullshit. She doesn't know this Helena."
"And I'm not sure I want her to know about it Leah. This life that I have now is..." She hesitated for a moment trying to find the right words to explain. "It's a life that I made when I lost her."
"Helena I remind you that you haven't lost her, you yourself have told me so, and Barbara didn't even marry him."
"Ok, she didn't get married; the reason why I left remains the same. It hurt; it hurts too much to live by her side that way." At first it was tolerable. Bearable?, it was a blessing just to be near her every day, but as time passed that turned into a cross to bear. Having to control my emotions, the looks, every gesture, having to watch every word I said for fear that she would discover the truth about my feelings and lose her forever. I couldn't be able to stand the idea of seeing her look of pity and compassion for not feeling the same way as I do." She declared in defeat.
"Helena, forgive me for saying so, but from what you have told me, Barbara was alone for a long time before Wade showed up in her life. Don't you think that if you had let her read between the lines, that maybe, just maybe something else might have happened between you two?"
"Yes, she would have told me that she regretted that I felt that way and that feasibly I was just confusing my feelings for her for something more like hero-worship for someone I admire."
"Are you even listening to yourself?" She asked incredulously. "You have been passing the time trying to justify each one of her
possible answers as if Barbara wasn't able to make a decision on her own." She blew out in exasperation. "You said that she only sees you as a spoiled brat. Helena..." She raised her voice. "How do you expect her to see you any other way if you always acted that way? How could you believe that she could see something more than her protégé or take your feelings seriously, if you spend all of your time boasting about all your conquests? She pointed out, "And don't forget that you flirted at everything that breathed. I doubt she ever suspected. It was easier to disregard that notion with you behaving so ridiculously all the time. I wouldn't take you seriously either," she added with a shrug.
Helena opened and closed her mouth in surprise, not able to refute what Leah had just said, she had told her about her life in New Gotham, and about her conquests notwithstanding she was hopelessly in love with her former guardian -even though only for two years- but former guardian after all. She had spent so much time pretending that she didn't love her, making her believe that she was some kind of female Casanova that she had never looked at it from that perspective.
"I never looked at it that way before, I only wanted to forget, forget that I loved her. I kept looking for a substitute in all those women, someone that could help me forget her." She said defeated.
"Dear Helena," she admonished tenderly. "From what you have told me, you never spent more than one night with them. You were never going to get to know anyone enough to rival her in that manner. If she's as wonderful as you claim she is one night of meaningless sex was not going to accomplish that."
Helena fell to her knees once again, hiding her face between her hands. She had been so fucking stupid. How did she think to win Barbara's love if she had never really tried? So sure was she that she didn't deserve her love or that she would never see her as a woman, that she had given Barbara all the wrong signals. All that time wishing that Barbara would realize that she was in love with her and it was her that prevented it from happening.
"Of, fuck, I've been such a stupid ass, haven't I?"
"Well Helena, I don't think I have to tell you, you've said it yourself."
"Oh fuck!" She swore.
"Helena, I'm not going to tell you what do, you have to decide that for yourself, but think about what I've said. If you really love Barbara as you've said you do, you have to let her know. If you insist on hiding it, how in the hell is she going to find out? How do you expect her to know and tell you based on what's happened if she loves you or not? Once you've confessed to Barbara that you love her and she still can't reciprocate your feelings that will be something else. But if you never give her the opportunity to know what you feel for her, Barbara won't be able to decide if she wants a romantic relationship with you or not."
"I'm scared Leah, scared that she'll reject me, I know that's the cowardly way out, but I had hoped that she would feel the same. This way I can dream that someday Barbara would feel the same about me, but if she rejects me now once she knows how I feel I wouldn't be able to live with it."
"Helena you yourself have said it, if...that's the operative word, if. Who can tell you if she will or not. If you don't take the first step you will never know if she does nor not. Moreover, that my friend is worse than losing her when you could have everything. What ifs don't exist Helena? Would you prefer to live the rest of your life with that niggling doubt? Asking yourself all the time what might have happened if you had... had the courage to show her how you feel and how much you wanted to make her happy? You have that opportunity now Helena, she didn't marry him, she's still single. Give yourself the chance, but more than anything else, give Barbara the chance to find out what you feel. If even then she doesn't feel the same, she'll be the one who lose Helena. You are so damn special."
"You are the one that's special Leah, if I didn't love Barbara I think I could fall in love with you. Shane was a stupid fool."
Leah smiled bitterly. "I know Hel, the problem that knowing it doesn't help me very much. I still love her and know that I will all my life; I'm a one love kind of woman. I knew she was the woman for me from the first moment I saw her."
"Have you tried contacting her again?" Helena asked compassionately. "Perhaps she's realized her error and is only scared to contact you after the way she treated you."
"No, just like you I couldn't go through the same thing again if she rejected me for a second time. Her words still hurt Helena, even though a part of me knows that she said it to push me away from her for my own good, she still said them and I can't forgive her."
"But you still love her Leah." Helena insisted.
"Yes, but if there were any possibility for us even after all this time, it would have to be Shane that searches me out, I couldn't do it. It's been five years and surely she has a husband that loves her and 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs." She twisted her lips in a sad gesture.
"Oh Leah." Helena hugged her.
"It doesn't matter anymore Helena, I know I will never love anyone the way I love her, but I hope to find someone that can help me live without her. Although to be quite honest," she sighed, "I don't think I can, it wouldn't be right." She smiled and Helena nodded in acknowledgment. They had both tried knowing that they were in love with someone else and it simply had not worked out.
"Well, what do you say to some pizza and a movie? It's still early. Do you have any plans?" Helena arched an eyebrow mischievously.
"Nope"
"Great, the truth is I don't want to be home alone. I tend to spend too much time thinking when I'm alone."
"Don't do it Helena, there isn't any point, yes think about what you are going to do but don't question yourself about the questions and especially don't imagine scenarios that might never come to pass."
Helena agreed and got to her feet.
"Ok, order the pizza and I'll go check to see what's available to watch." She smiled.
Helena stayed with Leah a good while, after they ate pizza and watched a comedy that was her friend's favorite, the young woman said goodnight. Leah reminded her to think about what they had discussed.
"Remember Helena, there is no point in rehashing everything, you have to return to New Gotham but if you don't want to do it now then don't, just do it when you're ready, ok?"
"Thanks Leah, it helped a lot speaking with you." She hugged her.
"That's want friends are for Hel. Take care and I'll see you tomorrow at the usual time."
"Of course, see you tomorrow Leah, rest well." She kissed her lightly on the lips. Leah smiled and watched her go before closing the door. Talking to Helena had brought back memories that she would have preferred to forget. She sighed and shook her head; there was no point in crying over spilled milk. Things happened for a reason and there was no understanding it.
Helena returned to her house emotionally exhausted and drained. Once she took a relaxing bath, she lay down and much like Scarlett O'Hara sighed and told herself tomorrow would be another day. Helena opened her eyes in surprise when she realized what she had just thought and groaned. "Now I'm quoting Scarlett O'Hara! That's what happens when you spend all your time with a lesbian romance writer. Kyle you are getting soft." She told herself with a smile.
The last thing she remembered before falling into an untroubled sleep was a pair of green eyes smiling at her.
Barbara.
Part 12
*****
The next day Barbara left after Aiko and Dinah departed from the Clock tower, she said goodbye to both of them, reminding them to be careful and if they needed anything not to hesitate to call her cell. Alfred offered to take her to the airport, but she preferred to take a taxi, not wanting anyone to find out her true destination. Since she really didn't have any baggage aside her carry on and backpack, the only thing she had to check in was her chair. The airline would provide her with a temporary chair from check in to the gate. At exactly 10 a.m., she was on board the plane that would take her to Helena and hopefully, her destiny.
A sensation of anticipation and fear overtook her. What would Helena say when she saw her? Would she slam the door in her face? Would she want to talk to her?
God, Barbara stop thinking the worst, everything will work out. There is a hidden truth between us both and it's time that it comes to light. She knew her truth, but what was Helena's?
Aside from her laptop she had taken a couple of books in her backpack, she chose to read a little bit before turning on her laptop. Taking into account that the trip was at least 7 hours long including a layover in Houston and accounting for the time to her hotel from the SF airport during lunch hour traffic, she would be arriving around noon. When she reread for the umpteenth time the same page without any idea what she had read she gave it up. She was too nervous to concentrate on the text; her mind would not stop spinning. Dinah's words had her imagining all kinds of scenarios, some of them quite dreadful.
Without removing her eyes from the window, her gaze got lost in the skies that surrounded them, Barbara Gordon AKA Oracle, former Batgirl felt anything but self-assured and in control of her emotions. One of the reasons why she had never succumbed to those mundane emotions like love was because she detested losing control of herself. She had based all her life on this, self-control. During the first few years of her life, growing up with an alcoholic and abusive father had not permitted her at that young age to give herself the luxury of losing control of her emotions. She had painfully learned by her father's hand that crying was not permitted and that to allow one's self to really feel only caused problems and pain.
When her father and her mother died in a car accident young Barbara was sent to live with her dad's brother Jim Gordon and his wife Barbara. At the age of 10 years old, it was when she learned what is was like to really live in a home full of love, tenderness, and respect for each other. However all the hard lessons learned at the hands of her biological parents were ingrained in her mind and the fact that Jim was the Police Commissioner of Gotham City exposed Barbara to another kind of stress that surprisingly soon drew her in.
Barbara had only been sixteen when her admiration for Batman led her to assist a Costume Ball dressed as Batgirl, which caught Bruce Wayne's attention right away, not exactly the best way to do it. Without being set to, she prevented Bruce Wayne's kidnapping, after the thrill and adrenaline rush she got from doing it and wishing to do more to help her adoptive father, she searched out Batman to ask him to train her as a vigilante of Gotham City. Barbara's skills as a gymnast went a long way in convincing Batman to train her despite his reservations. If it hadn't been for Dick's help, who was also known as Robin back in the day, to train Barbara daily perhaps she would have never managed to get Batman to take her seriously. Soon the need to keep control over her emotions was no longer an option but a need to survive. The things she saw and confronted in a daily basis were not a game; any distraction would have a price tag on her life.
Having to balance her life as Barbara Gordon and her life as Batgirl took its toll, and the reserved and intellectual teen soon became the perfectionist and athletic young woman everyone knew back then. Her eidetic memory and high IQ had no doubt helped to make her life as Barbara Gordon much easier. At least, she didn't have to deal with daily problems as having to study hard in order to pass her classes and get the titles that she held. In truth, her genius permitted her to use her studies as an excuse to justify her lack of social life. It wasn't until she met Selina Kyle and her daughter Helena that she began to live a life style more in accordance to her age. The curiosity that Selena Kyle and her daughter Helena woke in her was definitely the reason behind it, was it perhaps the need to belong to something? That familiarity that she felt almost from the first moment was something that without a doubt dictated the downfall of the relationship and future with that singular duo.
That Selina would ask Barbara to watch her daughter on occasion at first, took her by surprise, the first time that she saw her picking up Helena after gym classes, she only needed a couple of seconds to recognize her. Selina Kyle was none other than Catwoman. She had confronted her on too many occasions not to recognize her eyes as soon as she saw them. Selina smiled at her enigmatically and turned around with open arms to her daughter who in turn ran straight into her mother's arms. Selina couldn't go everyday for her because of work. When she couldn't she would send her assistant, who would take her to the gallery to wait for her mother.
When Barbara returned to the cave, the first thing she had done was run a report on Selina Kyle, trying to find out her business associates and put her in jail once and for all. However at the moment that Bruce saw what she was doing he asked why.
Barbara did not waste any time in telling him what had happened that afternoon at the gym at the artistic gym class. She told him with detail what she had seen and that Selina Kyle was in New Gotham with her daughter. Barbara had never seen Bruce lose control of his emotions, but for ten long seconds she saw her mentor's mask slip. Bruce Wayne paled and when he heard 'daughter' he drew back as if he had been slapped.
Bruce noticed Barbara almost as if she had suddenly grown horns and a tail. He blinked several times and tried to say something, finally in a roughened voice as if he were having a hard time speaking, he asked.
"How old is her daughter?" He crossed his arms and looked inscrutable as always.
"Helena is a hell cat." Barbara said adoringly that her mother happens to be a thief is no reason to dislike the child. "She's twelve years old and she's a little dynamo. She's full of energy and she's always getting into trouble." Bruce seemed to be alarmed by this and she quickly said, "Nothing bad, she's just very active, hyperactive I would say, and fearless, she isn't afraid of anything. Very daring for someone her age.
Bruce nodded and remained silent for a moment before speaking and looking at Barbara seriously.
"Don't keep looking into anything to do with Selina Kyle, she retired 13 years ago and whatever she had stolen I know for a fact from a good source that the items were returned. Catwoman didn't steel for necessity or even to be bad, she just did it as a challenge. She's a lover of the arts and hated to see pieces hidden away in private collections and badly treated."
"How do you know?" Barbara asked doubtfully.
"I know Barbara, trust me. If I'm wrong and there is a theft in the city with her signature, then I will apologize and will help you arrest her. But I guarantee that won't be the case." He said emphatically and turned away.
Barbara was not totally convinced, but she had to admit that in almost thirteen years she had never heard of Catwoman being in the city, or even of any art thefts that could be attributed to her. In fact if she calculated it, was exactly the same age Helena was including the nine-month gestation. It would seem that Selina Kyle had left her old life in order to raise her daughter Helena. She knew that the child would confide in her, that they had been in the U.S., specifically New Gotham, for only a short time. Before that, they had lived in Paris mostly even though Helena had traveled all over Europe all through her childhood. Not only did she speak excellent French, after all it was her native language, but she also understood German from her old school.
Shortly after, Barbara made another discovery that left her stunned. One day when she was giving the children classes in which Helena was in, she noticed a distinctive expression on Helena's face that left her speechless. It was an expression that she knew well because she had been the recipient of that same ironic impatience on many occasions. The owner of that expression was none other than Bruce Wayne, her mentor, Batman.
Having a photographic memory could sometimes be an ethical problem. Besides, even though never had been visible, Bruce had occasionally attended the classes and would observe from the second floor of the gym, watching Helena's routines. That had not made sense until now.
That same evening, Barbara took advantage of the fact that Dick had to study for his finals and only she and Bruce were out doing sweeps and without hesitating and beating around the bush she blurted out that she knew the truth.
"She's your daughter, isn't that right, yours and Selina's?
Bruce looked surprised and Barbara saw the emotions fall over in his blue eyes, eyes that now she knew were the same as Helena's. Once more, she understood why she was so drawn and protective of the child. Bruce seemed to outweigh the consequences of either denying or acknowledging it for Barbara, but at the end, he must have decided not to deny it. She had discovered the truth after all.
"Yes." He said with finality. "She's my daughter."
"But how Batman, I don't understand. I don't understand why you let your daughter grow up without a father." She accused, she had always held Bruce Wayne in high esteem, she was proud of him and his sense of honor. She couldn't understand how it was possible that Helena was growing up believing that her father was dead or had abandoned her.
"I didn't know." Batman confessed painfully, a deep pain that Barbara had never seen him express. One that she knew existed when on those rare occasions, he would speak about his murdered parents and the pain would be clear in his eyes.
"No..." Batgirl gasped, "You didn't know?" She almost stuttered stupidly.
"It's complicated." Batman growled.
"Complicated? You're joking right?" Barbara exclaimed incredulously. "For heaven's sake Batman, she's the old Catwoman and if my calculations are correct, she was conceived when she still led her illicit double life."
"I know," Batman crossed his arms looking out at the city. "She and I fell in love at first sight; of course I didn't understand it then. The first time was as Catwoman, we fought, but she is so agile and strong, before she jumped off the building she looked at me with those eyes and smiled. I didn't know what that expression of being left breathless was until that day. I was left paralyzed and I didn't follow her. When I woke up from my day dreaming, she had been gone awhile. It took me days to understand what was happening to me. As you know, I don't know how to handle my emotions well such as love." His voice held a note of irony.
Barbara listened in silence, dumbfounded, Bruce was not a man of many words and at that moment, she realized, Batman the inscrutable hero of Gotham City was speaking to her as an average man, just as Bruce Wayne. That it was incredible was pretty obvious for Barbara, bizarre. A part of her realized that perhaps Bruce had needed to tell someone, Bruce tended to internalize everything he felt, always jealously hiding what he felt, thought, suffered, and apparently discovering that he had a daughter had left him feeling vulnerable and with his heart exposed.
As Batman spoke, his eyes were lost in thought, a hundred miles away. Batgirl couldn't do anything but listen to him, as if aware that Bruce was confiding something more than just a secret, but was opening his soul to her without realizing it.
"The second time we confronted each other, she kissed me and once again I was paralyzed, listening to her laughter. The attraction I felt for her was maddening, I thought it was just lust." He laughed sardonically "shortly after, I met Selina Kyle at the New Gotham museum benefit ball sponsored by Wayne Industries. I was struck by her beauty and I invited her to go out with me almost as soon I got her alone."
"I was so confused" Bruce voice was so in awe. Barbara kept listening in complete silence, her mentor seemed too lost in her memories, that he didn't realize what he was saying or that his facial expressions were so painfully open to read "I continued to face up Catwoman and I kept feeling that powerful attraction, the same one I was feeling for Selina Kyle. She found out my secret identity long before I knew hers, she told me when she finally confessed the truth to me. We went out for several months, I knew I was in love with her and I wanted to marry Selina as soon as possible." Batman's voice turned hoarse "One evening I prepared everything, a romantic dinner in the most exclusive restaurant in Gotham city and I asked her to marry me, what a cliché, the richest man in the city and I had to propose in the fancy and most expensive restaurant in the city." He said in self-disdain "She smiled and asked me to go someplace more private to talk."
Barbara recalled the surprise when she heard Bruce say he had intended to marry Helena's mother. What she hadn't expected was her mentor's reaction when Selina told him the truth.
"I took her to Wayne Tower as you know I keep a penthouse there for myself for business dinners and to house important guests. Since it was empty and was the closest, that's where we went. Never, not even in my wildest dreams did I expect the confession that she made once we were settled and having a glass of wine. Selina kept looking at me with a mixture of sadness and hope that had me worried. I didn't understand what was happening, but deep inside I knew that something bad was going to happen."
"The first thing she told me was not to doubt for a moment that she loved me, she knew that she was in love with me from the first moment she saw me. I hurried on to say that the same thing had happened to me. Me, the stoic and cold Bruce Wayne emotionally babbled that I felt the same. The smile that she gave me however was disconcerting. It was an enigmatic smile, ironic. "The first time we saw each other Bruce" she said, "was on the roof of the museum, remember?"
Bruce let a crude laugh erupt, full of desolation.
"Do you have any idea what I felt at that moment? I stood up immediately and quickly moved away staring back at her incredulously. I knew exactly which night she was speaking about, I couldn't believe it, I felt a cold chill run up my spine. Was she just trying to make fun of me? Was she my enemy?"
Selina tried to answer, to explain, to tell me what she was and why she did it.
"I never expected to fall in love Bruce, much less know that you are Batman, but your eyes, your beautiful eyes revealed your true identity. My first instinct was to get away from you, it was the best for both of us, but my love for you was stronger than any doubts or reasons. Can you forgive me and understand Bruce? I want you to know that I am willing to marry you on one condition." She pleaded.
"Which is? Not to turn you in to the police? You must understand who I am, justice is above all." I responded in a harsh voice even though inside I knew that I would never be able to turn her in. I loved her too much."
"If you want to do it I won't stop you Bruce, I know how important it is to you to act responsible and honorably". Selina said in a sad and serious voice. "However, that's not my condition, I'm willing to stop being Catwoman, but you have to stop being Batman. Try to understand, if someone should discover as I did your true identity; if we ever had a family they would never miss the chance of trying to hurt them, or to use them against us. In addition, I can't take that chance. I don't want to lose you or that someone hurt you because of it.
At the time she asked me to give up being Batman, I knew that I had lost her. I couldn't, it was impossible for me. To be what I was at night was my way of honoring my parents daily and do justice for them. Giving it up was unthinkable.
"I can't Selina, I'm sorry. I denied with my head and looked at her sadly.
"My gut told me that's what you would say, my dear Bruce, but I had a small hope that our love would be stronger than anything else." She laughed ironically, feeling foolish for being too naïve. "I'm sorry Bruce, but don't doubt that I love you and I always will.
She stood up and gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. I just stood there like a statue, unable to react, unable to say anything; I'm not sure how much time passed. That evening I stayed there drowning myself in a bottle of Whiskey only to realize that I couldn't live without her. I would beg her for time, to give us a chance, whatever it took so I wouldn't lose her. However, when I arrived at the apartment it was too late. The door attendant told me that she had left and that she had left me a note. It only had a couple of lines.
Our lives are like parallel lines that will never converge.
I love you, Selina
That was the last time that I heard anything from her, until now that you told me that she was back in New Gotham. I never knew that she had been left expecting my child, she never told me and now I understand why she asked me to give up my secret identity. It wasn't long after that the Joker discovered that I was Bruce Wayne in real life. If he hasn't revealed my true identity it's because he enjoys confronting me too much, making me save the City from his attacks and fight against me.
It was better this way, I don't know Batgirl, I just don't know.
That was the one and only time I had seen the real man behind the mask, it made me respect him and at the same time feel compassion for him and his tortured soul. And Bruce knew that sooner or later someone would want to hurt Selina in order to get back at him. Bruce had blamed himself for her death, Selina had asked him 17 years earlier to give up his life in exchange for a future family, for a daughter that without knowing he had conceived and he had refused. Selina had known the dangers of loving Bruce Wayne alias Batman and her instincts had been correct, loving him had cost her life in the end.
What good had it done to be Batman fighting against evil if at the end all the women that he loved without reserve had been taken away from him, either by death or by injuries? Accepting the cruel words from his own daughter whom had not known was her father. Neither Helena nor Bruce knew that I had heard them argue the night that he disappeared, believing that I was still unconscious. Even though Hel's voice was just a whisper, it contained such hate and bitterness against Batman that I didn't need to see Bruce's face to know what he was feeling.
How would he be able to stand the idea of continuing to live knowing that he was the one and only accountable for Barbara being in a wheelchair? It did not matter it had been the Joker's evil mind that had caused the incident; it didn't matter that her only daughter was alive the result was the same. Helena was now an orphan and she had been confined to a wheelchair because someone had tried to get revenge on Batman, hurt him beyond sanity and that was more than any man could take that was already tormented by his past.
Barbara didn't know the reason why Helena had left without leaving a trace; much like her father had done after her mother's murder.
Like father like daughter, Barbara thought to herself.
What terrible truth are you hiding Helena, what reason exists for you to have left your family and me without looking back? Why did you abandon me Hel?
Barbara couldn't stop thinking in that truth, she had tried in every way to look for answers, but they had eluded her. Her relationship with Helena had always been full of vicissitudes, her free spirit along with her volatile temperament had never made things easy, and however, they had forged a relationship that she thought stood up to anything.
How wrong I was, she sadly thought, she would have never imagined that Helena would leave, throw away everything without looking back.
Barbara couldn't understand what triggered the rift between them that had finally caused Helena to leave. Now that she thought about it, Helena had begun to distance herself emotionally ever since Wade had come into her life. At first, she thought it was because she was slightly jealous of her guardian's relationship with the
Mr. Roger's clone as she called him and since she had always been overly protective of her, Barbara had just assumed she'd get over the fact she was with Wade. Perhaps Helena thought that now that he was in their lives, their family life might change, that Barbara's priorities would be affected. She wasn't sure but being the only constant in Helena's life perhaps had made her feel forgotten or left out. Helena didn't like change in her home life and by marrying Wade Barbara would be making a change that didn't sit well in Helena's eyes.
Like an epiphany Barbara suddenly realized something about the last words she and Helena had exchanged just before Hel ran out of the room. Helena had yelled that is she didn't do the "job" then who would? She had asked her if Wade would be understanding about her double life, would he wait patiently for her each night for her to finish her duties as a vigilante, as Oracle. She had responded that Wade knew and respected what she was.
"Oh shit," she groaned barely audible "What have I done?"
Birds of Prey was Helena's pride, something she considered her biggest secret. A secret that united them more than any blood ties, their history and their double life as vigilantes was something that she considered sacred, something that only special people could understand and accept. Helena with due reason had doubted that the student counselor, the sweet and gentle Wade could understand. Now she knew the truth, after much thought she finally understood that not only could she not marry him because she didn't love him as she should in order to marry him, but that he would never fully understand what the life of a vigilante really meant. The hours and attention it demanded and having to drop everything when the need arose without regard to the time or the moment.
Barbara understood then why Helena had left, not because Helena thought that Barbara had lost confidence in her, on the contrary, all those hours of training, all those arguments about duty and responsibility, trying to convince Helena of her vocation as a vigilante and the good they could do for the City's inhabitants; Barbara gave Helena the impression that Oracle was secondary now that she was determined to marry Wade, as if all their work and life had been in vain, all the times she had left Helena alone to do sweeps with only Dinah as backup because she had dates with Wade.
Whom did she think she was fooling? Wade wanted a traditional wife and she was everything but.
"You sure dug yourself into a deep hole Babs, you and that huge ego of yours somehow managed to screw things up. I truly hope that Helena can forgive me." She huffed
Tired of thinking and going around in circles about the reasons for Helena's leaving, she was conscious of the uselessness of that train of thought. Barbara made herself concentrate on the book. There were still several hours before arriving to San Francisco. There was no point in going over all the potential scenarios in her head, true it was part of her personality to be ready for any possibility and as far as Helena was concerned, nothing was sure. Barbara had thought she had known Helena better than Helena herself but those two years without her had shown Barbara that in reality she hadn't known Helena at all.
Continued...