Part 13
*****
When Barbara heard the Captain announce that they would soon be descending, she raised her eyes feeling disconcerted. She had managed to drown herself in her book enough to make her forget the hours that passed before arriving in San Francisco and to Helena.
The nerves and anxiety returned with a vengeance, the doubts and fears assaulted her with savage intensity. Suddenly she didn't feel very sure of what she was doing, was it right?. Should she leave Helena alone and just let her live her life?
"For heaven's sake Gordon, you're here and you've never backed out of anything yet. Well nothing that didn't have to do with the heart. You are here looking for answers and you will not leave until you get them." She chastised herself
Nevertheless, knowing the reason for her presence in San Francisco and accepting it were two different things, Barbara was afraid to lose Helena and this time for good. If they didn't clear things up between them, that would surely happen. If Helena didn't forgive her abandonment and her presumed duty to Wade, would Barbara dare to confess the true reason for her presence in San Francisco?
"You lost her once Barbara. Your silence has cost you two years without her, are you willing to make it a lifetime?"
The answer was a resounding
NO, Barbara wanted Helena in her life, anyway she could, as a friend, as a partner against crime, she didn't dare envision her true desire, but somehow Barbara
needed Helena in her life.
When she finally departed the plane she was wheeled to the luggage claim where she picked up her chair, which she was actually grateful for because she was not familiar with the airport and she preferred to get out of there as soon as possible. It was after five already and she wouldn't arrive at the hotel for at least another hour. She rented a car with GPS to help her navigate the city. Once at the Hertz counter she refused a specially equipped car, explaining to the clerk that handled the rentals that the chair was only a necessity for when she was overly tired. She was recovering from a serious accident and had suffered fractures to her hips and legs, for which she used the chair only when she was tired, but for the moment, she had been sitting too long and that could also be counterproductive.
Thanks to the GPS it was no problem arriving at the hotel, once she had parked she removed her bag and laptop case, leaving the chair in the car. She was planning on going out once she'd had a quick shower and changed clothes to go look for Helena's address. Now she didn't feel the anxiety that had possessed her on the plane.
"The calm before the storm" Barbara thought.
In reality that's the way she felt now, totally calm, a sense of peace came over her once she had made the decision to come looking for Helena and the questions that were unanswered between them. She knew in the moment they stood face to face that everything would change. She knew because of Dinah that Helena had changed and that she was no longer the arrogant and full of rage young woman that would explode at the slightest provocation. She herself had changed, even though she remained the same intelligent and rational woman, the fact that the last two years without Helena had passed and her realization of what she really meant in her life gave her a new sense of purpose. Over several years, she had hidden behind the mask of cold indifference in every aspect of her life. She believed in keeping her mind on the mission which blinded her to the truly important things
And it was that rationality that prevented her from seeing what she really felt for Helena. A feeling planted in her heart and mind, so profoundly that she herself refused to accept it until she had been deprived of that unconditional fountain of strength and hope, which forced her to see inside herself and find the answers to why she felt as if her heart had been ripped out when she left. She was deeply in love with Helena, she didn't know when her feelings for the young girl she had met at the age of 12 had turned into more than friendship and sisterly love.
The truth was unequivocal; she loved and needed Helena just as she needed air to breathe. Since her departure, Barbara had lived only half a life, but perhaps living was too strong a word, barely surviving was more like it.
She needed Helena, she needed her.
Like a mantra, Barbara repeated those words all the way to Helena's apartment, as if in that way she could give herself courage to confront her and at the same time open her heart to the young woman to tell her how she felt. Barbara was accustomed to keeping her feelings to herself, always hiding her emotions, putting up walls and hiding from what was in her heart.
In the world in which they lived in daily, there was no time for doubts and questions, a moment of hesitation could mean the life of one of her protégés that was something that could not be permitted. The need to be with Helena when she had received the frantic call from her after the murder of her mother had cost her the use of her legs and to almost be killed as well. Once again, the lessons that life taught her was that emotions clouded your judgment and that was not a wise thing to do.
During at least half of her life, she had protected her heart with cold indifference and absolute certainty that her actions would only bring success to the mission even at the cost of her own feelings, needs or desires. Her five senses had to be completed focused to do what had to be done.
For many years, she had ignored what her heart had been screaming at her, whose voice she had buried, the voice that whispered that what she felt for Helena was more than what she was willing to see. That the anxiousness she felt when more than a day passed without seeing her was not simple worry. For many years, she controlled the emotions with an iron hand that she might feel something else for Helena. Something more that she dared not dream of. Her handicap without a doubt had been a determining factor in that denial to go after what she really wanted.
Considering herself an incomplete woman, with only half a body. Her heart unfeeling by association, had also lost the right to feel love, to deserve it, as if once she had lost the use of her legs, no one would want to be with her. Wade had only been something convenient, she accepted that now, she thought she had found the closest thing to love she deserved with him. Without a doubt that had been a bit selfish, she had made herself believe she had loved him enough to marry him, make a life by his side, and pretend that it would be enough. Now she knew that not only wouldn't it be enough but that sooner or later he would want more than what she was willing to give him. Ironically being a perfectionist as she was, she would have invariably succumbed to the imperfection of that relationship, knowing that it wasn't Wade the one she really loved. That he wasn't the last thing that she wanted to see when she went to bed or the first thing when she woke up.
She wanted what she'd had for half of her life...
She wanted a Helena Kyle.
*****
The next morning Helena woke up a bit anxious, which she attributed to the previous evenings revealing events. Determined to not let it get to her, she got up and after a light training and shower she left for her breakfast date with Leah. It had become a daily ritual for them when they happened to be in the city at the same time.
Leah had convinced her to go shopping, so after breakfast they left for
China Town to walk around and make some purchases. They ate at their favorite Chinese restaurant and then after a fruitful morning spending money, Helena returned home with a pair of new silk robes. She wasn't sure why but when she bought one of them she had done so thinking of Barbara's green eyes.
During the afternoon, she stopped by to see Kate and then after helping her out at the gallery for a couple of hours she headed up to her apartment. She felt full of excess energy but at the same time she didn't want to be cooped up at home so after changing she headed out for a run. Perhaps a run of a few miles would relax her and clear her mind. She adjusted the volume on her Ipod and started running towards the nearest park.
Barbara had just parked the car when she recognized a figure in the middle of dozens of people running from afar. She was left breathless.
Damn she's even more beautiful than I remember! Dinah had come up short in her description of Helena. She felt butterflies in her stomach and a warm feeling run through her body at the perfect vision. Almost immediately the fears and the doubts of what her reception might be halted her first instinct to catch up with her and hug her. She closed her eyes and leaned against the steering wheel, missing the moment when Helena stopped for a moment as if she had felt her presence. Looking all around her, she stood still, when she didn't see anyone she continued running towards her apartment.
Taking a few moments to calm down, Barbara left the car and once she made sure the alarm was on, she took a deep breath and began walking towards the building that she knew Helena lived at. On shaky legs Barbara went up the stairs, trying to control her nerves. She breathed in deeply several time before knocking on the door.
After Helena had gone into her apartment she removed her wet t-shirt leaving only her sports bra, she was about to remove her leggings when she heard the doorbell ring. Wondering who it could be and without bothering to throw another shirt on, she pulled the towel that was hanging from the chair in her room and placed it around her neck.
"I'm coming." She called as she heard the doorbell ring again. She looked through the peephole and froze for a moment, stunned by who she saw on the other side.
"Barbara?!"
Part 14
*****
Helena jerked the door open startling Barbara who abruptly raised her gaze from the floor.
"Barbara!" She said incredulously. "Ho... what" She stuttered not realizing what she was seeing, Barbara at her front door and standing! That was... just?!
WTF! More time that seemed politely correct, Helena just stood there staring at Barbara with an expression of shock, her mouth slightly open and her eyes as wide as saucers. In other words if Helena could see herself, she would know it was not her signature cocky, arrogant and self-assured
"I'm the weapon" Barbara used to know.
"Hello Helena" Barbara smiled shyly; "Can I come in?"
"Oh," Helena came out of her trance, still not believing that the redhead was standing in front of her. "Yes, yes, come in, please" She moved to the side.
Barbara was walking! What the hell! Why didn't Dinah never mention it?
"How have you been Hel?" Barbara inquired still smiling; the sight of Helena half naked was making it very difficult to control the beating of her heart.
Christ, how could I have been so blind! Just looking at her she could feel her heart trying to beat its way out.
"Oh, well fine just fine,"
excellent now that you are here she said to herself. "I..., this is really a surprise, I..., Damn Red, I've missed you so much." Helena exclaimed and without thinking threw herself at her, hugging her tightly, she didn't want to let her go. She had been right, it would only take seeing Barbara just once to know that she didn't want to ever let her go, that she couldn't live without seeing her or hearing her voice.
Oh hell, how I missed you.
Barbara was left stunned for a moment, before relaxing and hugging Helena back tightly. "I've missed you too Helena, you don't know how much." She said into her neck, taking in her scent.
Oh, so good.
"Are you here alone?" Helena asked once she let her go, and guided her to the living room where they took a seat one in front of the other.
"Yes." Barbara answered still smiling.
"From the airport? You should have called me; I would have gone for you" she chastised Barbara.
"It was a last minute decision. And no, I stopped at the hotel first."
"Hotel?" Helena repeated looking at Barbara disconcertedly "Why a hotel?"
Barbara blushed. "Well, I wasn't sure how you would receive me Hel, I'm sorry." The redhead hurried to say at seeing the hurt expression on Helena's face. "Besides I wasn't sure you'd be here, from what Dinah has told me..."
"Geez Red, you know you'll always be welcome in my house." She looked into her eyes interrupting her. "I thought we had already cleared that up between us" she raised an eyebrow knowing Barbara would understand that she was talking about the email Barbara had sent her only a few days ago.
"Thanks Hel, but I..." The words failed her, how could she explain that she was afraid of losing Helena that the truth might be what separates them or brings them together, but it had to be said. "I wasn't sure..."
"Don't say anymore." She put up her hand, giving her a crooked smile which took Barbara's breath away. "Give me a few minutes to take a shower and we'll go get your things. You'll stay right?" She looked at her unsure, thinking she is assuming too much.
"Of course I will Hel" Barbara smiled warmly.
"Excellent, I've got room to spare, I'll be right back." She jumped to her feet and started to walk away then suddenly came back. "Where are my manners?" She chastised herself. "Do you want anything to drink or do you need anything Babs?" She offered.
"Water would be fine Hel." Barbara accepted.
"Of course, water." She nodded and headed for the kitchen.
Barbara was warmed by the childish enthusiasm that Helena demonstrated at seeing her, she had expected...well in reality she wasn't sure what she had expected but the joy she showed at seeing her was genuine.
Helena returned with a bottle of Perrier and a napkin. "Here you go, I won't be long, feel free to wonder around the apartment Babs" she gave her a shy smile and in Barbara's opinion a very enchanting one.
"Thank you Hel. Take your time, there's no hurry." She smiled.
"I won't be long." She rain in the direction of her bedroom. But not before looking back once more as if afraid that once she turned the corner to the hallway Barbara would disappear. Barbara in turn didn't let her out of her sight until she disappeared behind a door that she assumed was her room. An indulgent smile appeared on her lips, despite the things they had to talk about, all the questions that still stood between them like a pink elephant in the middle of the living room, she couldn't help but feel that familiarity and security that just Helena's presence evoked.
When she heard the water from the shower Barbara breathed deeply and got to her feet. Her whole being was trembling strangely; from the moment she had faced Helena, it was as if she was suddenly charged with some special energy. She didn't know what would happen once they cleared things between them but at the moment, at that precise instant just the presence of the young woman made her feel alive, more alive than what she had been the last two years. She didn't have to be a genius to know with certainty that it was Helena she needed to feel that way.
She looked around her feeling much calmer, she saw the computer that Dinah had so loved, smiling indulgently, it certainly didn't compare to Delphi, but for a home PC for personal use it actually wasn't bad at all. She noticed the pictures and moved closer to look at them, studying them with interest. She recognized several places from Latin America, archeological zones and historic monuments. In most of them she was alone, although in some she was with someone else, mostly women. She asked herself with a spark of jealousy if they had been some of Helena's conquests or just friends made during the trips. When she got to a picture with a beautiful cabin in the background, Barbara asked herself who the blonde was with her. They looked very comfortable together, Helena had her arm over the blonde's shoulders and she had her arm around Helena's waist. They smiled and looked happy.
"It's Leah" She heard Helena's voice behind her and she jumped, she hadn't heard her come in and apparently she had been so concentrated on the picture that Helena must have felt she needed to identify the woman at her side. Barbara recalled that Dinah had mentioned Leah. Hadn't that been the woman who Helena spent two months with in Colorado?
"A good friend I assume." She said neutrally and turned toward Helena with a tense smile.
"Yes, a very good friend." Helena smiled in return. "I'm all set, have you eaten?"
"No, after the airport I went directly to the hotel and then came here."
"Ok, I know a restaurant where we can eat, let's go." Helena looked at her with a cautious smile, once the initial surprise had passed and during her shower she had wondered what the real reason was for Barbara being at her house. She couldn't help it she felt as taught as a suspension cable. Barbara's appearance, practically out of thin air, and just after Dinah's news was not helping any to calm her down, actually quite the opposite was true.
"I came in a rental car." Barbara informed her as they descended the stairs.
"Oh, ok. We'll take your car then, we'll return it tomorrow if that's ok with you." She glanced over at her.
"Of course" Barbara noticed that Helena asked without asking directly if she was planning to spend several days in San Francisco.
"Does Dinah know you're here?" Helena asked as they reached the street and began to walk towards Barbara's rental car.
"Well, no. She thinks that I'm in Washington with Ash." Barbara replied, blushing at the admission.
"Oh, Who?" Helena inquired curiously; she didn't know any of Barbara's friends with that name. Was Ash by chance her new boyfriend? Helena asked herself feeling a bit jealous and feeling an emptiness in her stomach at the idea of imagining Barb with someone else.
"She's my lab partner at Wayne's Laboratories"
"Of course" she blew out the breath she had been holding in "why didn't you tell Dinah you were coming?" She inquired curiously.
Barbara stopped in front of the car and handed Helena the keys. "You know the city better." Helena nodded and turned off the alarm, unlocking the car with the remote.
Once inside the vehicle and after Helena pulled away, Barbara looked straight ahead, unable to face the young woman without revealing what she was feeling. She could feel Helena's eyes on her. Helena had always been inquisitive by nature and this time was no exception.
"It was a last minute decision and well..."
Damn, why is it so hard to explain everything? How can I tell her that I couldn't wait any longer, that I needed to see her, to know? Instead, all she said was, "I wasn't sure, I wanted to talk and see how you were, and since I already was on a trip it seemed the logical thing to do"
Helena just nodded. She was silent for a few minutes lost in her own thoughts wondering the real reason why Barbara was there. After a few minutes she commented, "What hotel? You haven't told me."
"The Hotel Diva it's just a few blocks away."
"Yes, I know where it is" Helena laughed, "why did you pick that particular one when there are so many well established ones around and close by?"
Barbara laughed "As I was trying to figure out where would be the best place to stay and be close by at the same time, I came across a review for this hotel and somehow I just thought of you when I saw the name, plus it had good reviews" she said with a smirk.
"Oh? Are you insinuating I'm a diva now?" Helena said a brow rose as if in annoyance as she tried to hide a grin.
"Moi? I would never, how you could suggest such a thing?" Barbara said with an enormous grin. The hotel talk was helping them ease the tension a bit.
Helena laughed shaking her head, a few seconds later, she tilted her head to the side as she asked curiously but at the same time with a worried frown on her face "Tell me Red, the curiosity is killing me, how is it that you're walking? You're not using the transponder right?" She looked at her seriously. Helena knew the intense pain that thing caused, not to mention how dangerous it was. It would damage the spinal cord and nervous system irreversibly if used too long.
"No." She confirmed. "It's a long story. I'll tell you over dinner what do you say? But I can assure you that it is not drugs or anything like that. It's called nanotechnology."
"Oh.
"No one knows that I'm walking Hel, except for Aiko and Dinah oh, and Alfred, but of course I can't hide anything from Alfred." She laughed. The butler, previously, Bruce Wayne's, was now at Barbara's disposal and of course Helena's as well since she was Bruce's daughter.
"Oh" It seemed that's all Helena could find to say for the moment, Barbara's presence so close to her was extremely distracting. Her emotions were on a roller coaster after two years without seeing her.
Soon they were at the hotel which was only minutes away, Barbara headed directly to her room. The redhead had not actually unpacked anything. She had just dropped off her carryon bag onto the bed. They only had to pick it up and they headed directly to reception to do the check out. The receptionist that attended them was courteous but concerned about the older woman's quick departure since she had just checked in only a couple hours earlier. The receptionist asked solicitously if there were a problem.
"When I found out she was in the City," Helena interrupted at the receptionist's questions. "I told her that there was no way she would stay at a hotel when she could stay with me." She smiled enchantingly.
"Oh," The receptionist returned her smile. "Well, I guess that will be all then Miss Gordon, thank you for having chosen Hotel Diva for your visit to San Francisco, even if you didn't stay with us. Perhaps we can serve you in the future."
"Thank you." Barbara accepted back her credit card and was about to pick up her carryon when she noticed that Helena already had a hold of it.
"Great, let's go get something to eat, I'm starving." She said eagerly.
"Ha, ha, ha," Barbara laughed warmly, "When aren't you starving Hel?"
"Ha, ha, ha" She gave her a lopsided smile, something between sad and melancholy. "You'd be surprised Babs."
Barbara paused for a split second, she was about to ask when, but something made her stop, as if she knew in that very instant to what Helena was referring to.
"Actually I do" she said in a whisper, she wasn't sure if Helena had heard her because she didn't say anything, or perhaps because after all there was nothing to say.
Both were trying to pretend for at least a little while longer that everything was fine between them. As if those two years apart had never existed. It was as if there were just two friends going out to dine like they used to every so often. Later, Barbara knew they would not be able to keep up the small talk, she was in San Francisco for a purpose and she was determined to find out what she needed. One way or the other she needed to know the truth for their peace of mind.
Continued...