Part 15
*****
The restaurant "Baldacci" was small but comfortable; it had that Italian home atmosphere that Helena liked so much. By the treatment the host gave her when he saw Helena,
she must come frequently Barbara thought.
"Signorina Helena, how nice to see you again."
"Bona Sera Giuseppe, come stai?"
"Bene, bene bellísima, I see you have company. Giuseppe Baldacci, Signorina."
"Barbara," The redhead smiled, "The pleasure is all mine Giuseppe."
"Your usual table, certo?"
"Yes, if possible Giuseppe."
"Of course, of course."
Giuseppe led them to a table at the back of the restaurant that had a view of a small interior garden with a fountain.
Once he had assured himself that they were comfortable he assured them that a waiter would arrive promptly to take their order, Giuseppe withdrew wishing them an excellent dinner.
"It's beautiful Hel. I see you come here regularly.
"Yes, after my first few days in the city and after having settled down I would walk the city and I found this place and came in. I was pleased with the service and the food. Nonna Baldacci makes an exquisite Lasagna."
"I guess I'll have to taste it then." She said lightly. Barbara had noticed the change in Helena just as they entered the restaurant. Did she come here frequently with her conquests? She knew Helena's appetites, she was a natural flirt and exuded sensuality and charm by the ton, there wasn't a man or woman that could resist her charms.
"I highly recommend it."
In that moment, the waiter arrived and identified himself as Phillipo and asked for their order.
"Can I order for you Barbara?" Helena asked.
"Of course Hel, I trust you." Once she said it, Barbara regretted it, the shadow of pain in Helena's eyes shown clearly before she could hide behind the smile that did not reach her eyes.
"I'll have the same Pipo and a bottle of house wine."
"Bene, I'll be back in a moment."
While the waiter returned with the wine, Helena studied Barbara openly who in turn looked into the young woman's eyes. Barbara couldn't read anything in Helena's eyes, when before they were an open book to her, now they were just two lovely orbs that looked back at her curiously without any emotion in them.
Helena, noticed that there were tiny worry lines around Barbara's eyes that hadn't been there before and her eyes, those beautiful green eyes which she had dreamt of losing herself in so many times, now there was a hint of sadness and something else she couldn't quite define.
What are you thinking Red? Helena asked herself. At that moment Pipo arrived with the wine, once she tasted the wine, he promised that their dinner would arrive shortly.
"Tell me Red, what's behind your miraculous recuperation?" Helena asked once she took a sip from her glass.
"Well as I was telling you it's a long story." Barbara weighed her words not wanting to tell her the real reason behind her perseverance to regain her mobility and sensibility of her extremities without openly admitting that the truth was that by losing herself in her work it helped to fill the void of Helena's absence. It had droved her to work and experiment until she managed the result that she now had. "I'm not sure if Dinah mentioned it, but I have worked at Wayne Laboratories & Research for a year and a half." A small nod from Helena indicated she knew. "Well, I'm part of the research team for nanotechnology as a possible route for the regeneration of damaged nerves to the nervous system" she made a pause.
Helena nodded thoughtfully.
"The nanotechnology," she continued, "is the study of the control of matter on an atomic and molecular scale. Generally nanotechnology deals with structures of the size 100 nanometers or smaller in at least one dimension, and involves developing materials or devices within that size. Nanotechnology is very diverse, ranging from extensions of conventional device physics to completely new approaches based upon molecular self-assembly, from developing new materials with dimensions on the nanoscale to investigating whether we can directly control matter on the atomic scale. (
See authors note)
"In other words microscopic" Helena noted, even if she didn't completely understand the scientific jargon, she wasn't so ignorant not to grasp the basics, she hadn't lived half her life with Barbara to not have an idea.
"Yes, nanotechnology promises new solutions and more efficient and new medical applications, solutions to environmental issues and many other things, however, the concept of nanotechnology is still not well known to society. It's still in the experimental stage Helena, the actual progress can be classified as nanoscience, a body of knowledge that has it's basis in the future development of a technology based on the manipulation of the molecular structure.
"Which I am to assume brings us to the essential point of your recovery, right?"
"Correct, even though nanotechnology research is not new at Wayne Research, what Ashley and I have worked towards is an entirely new field based on the previous discoveries. Given that the molecular size of the nanobots we have been able to work to use them as connectors and regenerators of the nervous system. In my case it's a miniscule part of my spine that is damaged. The nerves were severed by the bullet, however my spine remained intact. It was as if it was a broken bridge. I lost feeling and the possibility that my brain would be able to control the function of my extremities.
"These nanobots, they bridge the gap?"
"Exactly Hel, like a chain, the nanobots that are injected directly into the spine are designed and programmed to connect and regenerate the damaged nervous system. They contain a packet of my DNA, as well as, precise instructions
Helena listened to Barbara intently, evaluating her words. She frowned when she heard that the was injecting the substance directly into her spine,
What exactly did she mean by that? "Isn't it dangerous to put them in your body?" She said in a serious tone.
"No Helena, first, they are biodegradable and my body absorbs them and gets rid of them once they have completed their life cycle. Second, they are designed only for and exclusively as conductors and regenerators of the nerves in my spine that have been damaged for the scare tissue and only those. We worked for months perfecting the packet until we found the right combination necessary that would work.
"On what?" She could just imagine but she wanted Barbara to say it.
"On rats and rabbits Helena." She said defensively and a bit frustrated, she could just imagine the young woman's reaction.
"The fact that only four people know that you can walk must be because what you are doing is completely experimental and you should under any circumstances be testing it on humans, isn't that so?" Helena was beginning to panic and get upset, if Barbara was putting her life in danger, she had no qualms about contacting the chief of Wayne Labs to put an end to the research. Being the daughter of Bruce legally allowed her a say with the Board of Trustees, she of course never used the power, but damn if she wouldn't take advantage of it in order to protect Barbara.
"Hel," the redhead said in a conciliatory tone. "We have tested it on animals and I repeat it's biodegradable and it presents no danger whatsoever to my health. If they didn't work, they would have just degraded and would be eliminated without any side effects.
"But that is has to be injected directly into your spine, isn't that dangerous in itself?" Helena was like a dog with a bone.
"It would be if my spine was healthy Hel but as you know that part specifically is already damaged, so no. At the beginning of the experiment the nanobots had to be injected every week in order for them to start the regeneration process and create the bridge between the damaged nerves and the healthy ones. Now, I only have to inject them every month so they can continue to function as connectors.
"Which brings me to the next question, why then keep your experimental success secret?" she inquired looking Barbara without blinking, looking for any lead astray.
"Because it would be naive to let everyone know about right now Hel, it's a very expensive process" she declared matter of factly "You have to do very extensive DNA studies just as you would recreate molecules which then you would computerize for a specific problem, but it would be impossible for it to be used at a general consumer level. We are still at the diaper stage with the nanotechnology. It will be years before it is available to the general public. It would be cruel to give false hopes to others like me.
Helena agreed not entirely convinced but she had to admit that Barbara was walking and it appeared not to have any side affects, yet. She reminded herself to make sure that Barbara explained these experiments in more detail in the near future, but for the moment that brief description would be enough.
Barbara studied the young woman's face; it was obvious that she wasn't all that convinced by the explanations she gave her. It appeared that her doubts were more about how dangerous it could be for her than the actual applied technology. However, she couldn't do anything to ease her doubts by revealing more than she already had.
"I understand." Helena finally said.
Before she could say anything else dinner arrived and Barbara realized she was starving, at first she had thought that she wouldn't be able to eat a thing seeing as how nervous she had felt, but with Helena's relaxed attitude she had calmed down a bit. Even though Barbara thought she knew the young woman enough to see behind the façade there was something more. She felt that Helena was taking her time before getting to the questions which Barbara needed answers for.
Contrary to her habit of talking as they ate, this time they concentrated on their meal with the occasional comment about how good the food was. Barbara held back from asking how often she went there, she didn't want to know if that is where she took her dates. Just seeing Helena's picture with Leah had made her feel jealous, an emotion which she was not familiar with and wasn't sure how to handle. It was disconcerting for someone as rational as her to feel like that and she didn't like it, at all.
Once they had dinner, they returned to Helena's apartment. Barbara knew that the time for the truth had come...
Barbara knew that she could plead exhaustion and that the young woman would insist that she go and rest, however it was only 9 in the evening in San Francisco, though she was on Eastern Time it still wasn't too early to go to bed. Even though she had been in the air for seven hours and had slept just a few hours the previous night, she didn't feel tired. Perhaps that was due to the adrenaline rush and nerves that had a hold of her.
"Would you like something to drink Barbara?" Helena asked once they were in the living room.
"A bourbon if you have it Hel." Barbara accepted
it certainly would hit the spot she thought to herself. She needed something strong to give herself some liquid courage. The wine during dinner had done little to ease her frazzled nerves; the apparent calm between them was that, just a facade.
"Just a sec." Helena went to the minibar.
Barbara watched as she headed for the bar, then she lowered her eyes to her hands which she had folded in her lap. She took a couple of deep breaths then brought her gaze up as Helena handed her the glass.
Helena was carrying a glass of something clear that Barbara assumed was Grey Goose vodka which was the brunette's favorite.
During several tense moments neither one of them said anything, both appeared to be concentrated on their drinks even though in reality they were thinking about how to start the conversation. The air was charged with tension and could be cut with a knife.
"Helena I..."
"Why did you...?"
Both tried to speak at the same time. Barbara laughed nervously and Helena pressed her lips together.
"Go ahead Hel."
"No, you."
Barbara nodded and took a drink from her glass before setting it down carefully on top of the coffee table.
"I lied to you earlier." Barbara began to say in a shaky voice, she noticed how Helena's head snapped up at her words and looked her directly in the eyes questioningly. "When you asked me why I came here."
"What are you talking about?" Helena asked tensely.
"When you asked me why I was here. The truth is Helena..." she stuttered. "I heard Dinah talking to you on the phone." She rushed to explain when Helena stood up suddenly. "No, I didn't hear the conversation; I was just going into her room when I heard that..."
"WHAT? Helena insisted as she ran her hand through her hair nervously.
"Dinah was asking you, no she was telling you that I should know the truth Hel." Barbara begged; her eyes sadder than Helena had ever seen them, not even when she had found out that she was paralyzed had she looked so sad. This time there was so much desolation in her eyes that Helena couldn't understand. "Why did you leave Helena? Why did you abandon me? Do you have any idea how alone I've felt without you? Damn it Helena, if you had just told me that you hated your life."
"Oh Hel" She reproached herself. "How could I have been so blind as to subject you to a life that you hated? I feel so bad about it, especially knowing what you do now, all that you have accomplished. I hate myself for causing you so much suffering. I feel like..." Barbara's voice was lost in the bitter sobs that escaped her lips.
Helena was stunned to hear Barbara condemn herself. For a moment she didn't know what to say.
Barbara was blaming herself! She believed she had hated the life they had together as vigilantes.
Oh, no, no that is so wrong. She stopped in front of Barbara and knelt at her feet taking her hands and with a whisper begged Barbara to look at her.
"Barbara, no please. Don't think like that. It's not true. I..." How in the hell do you explain to the woman you love... to the woman that you don't want to hurt in anyway shape or form... how do you explain the truth without hurting her? "No, Red, no, I didn't hate that life, it's just...I needed..." She stuttered. "I... I just couldn't continue living like that."
"Like what Hel?" Barbara demanded "Helena, you left without saying a word, without explanations; you left me alone and worried to death. Asking myself a million questions and thinking that something may have happened to you. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. Damn it, I still don't know what to think. I know it's my fault that you left, I know that and if you can find your way to forgiving me it would be more than I deserve for putting you in an intolerable situation, but why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Hel you know there is nothing that you could tell me that I wouldn't accept or understand." She looked at her with tears in her eyes. "Why did you leave me Hel?" She asked sadly.
It was a plea that was full of the pain, anguish, desperation and emptiness that Helena's absence had caused to Barbara's heart, a pain so deep and wounding that it stills her in its grips.
"I can't..." She paused trying to find the right words, but now was not the time nor the place for niceties or perfect words, only the truth and Helena knew that she couldn't do anything else even if it cost her Barbara's friendship forever. It was impossible for her to be able to go on with the pain that her love would cause to the older woman, her mentor, her friend. She sighed. "It's true, I couldn't continue at your side. It was
killing me." She confessed finally in a strangled voice.
Helena got to her feet and turned her back to Barbara, who raised her gaze when she heard Helena's words. Her face held a look of horror.
What? What was Helena saying? She couldn't comprehend, her mind suddenly froze at the words,
what!? She asked herself aghast
.
"Killing you Hel? What could I have done to hurt you so much?" She gasped stunned as she tried to find the reason for the declaration. Of course they fought, all the time, but that was normal, perhaps...
"I..." Leah's words rang in her head, how Barbara could know, understand if she had never let her see. "You don't know Barbara, you never knew, you have never been able to see what you mean to me." She said sadly.
"Hel, please, I need to understand, these past two years without you... How can you say that I don't know?" She exclaimed and got to her feet moving towards the young woman and making Helena face her. "You're the one that has no idea! You, that from the moment that I read those few lines I felt my heart break, breaking from pain and desperation. How could you Helena..." she cried out with voice tinged with raw pain and anger "how you dare?"
Part 16
Barbara was trembling, her green eyes full of rage and pain, a part of her wanted to strangle Helena and another wanted to hug her and beg her not to leave her again. Helena was petrified for an instant, the verbal attack had been so sudden that for a moment she didn't know how to react, but just for a split second, she felt her anger taking over at Barbara for demanding answers, how could she speak of pain? She didn't know what it meant to love someone ever since she had been a child without having a fucking clue about what love was.
"You want to know? Fine, I'll fucking tell you, and I know that at the moment I do, you'll go running out the door cursing my name." She yelled her eyes feral. She took her hand and pulled her along to her studio. Barbara almost had to run to keep up with Helena's long strides.
Helena pushed open the door to her studio with a load thud, she stopped in the middle of the room letting Barbara go as if her hand was on fire and she just looked at Helena uncomprehendingly. Suddenly the redhead started looking around and abruptly she lost her breath. There were two walls covered in paintings, paintings of her. How...? Her mind screamed at her trying to understand.
"This is the only thing I have left of you." Helena began to say in a tortured voice. "These are my memories. Yes, I ran away from you. I was dying being at your side and knowing that you didn't see me as anything more than your bratty and irresponsible former ward that wasn't capable of taking care of herself." She added in defeat. "Pain? Barbara you don't know what pain is!"
"To feel pain you must know that what you desire most in this world is prohibited, pain is to see that person happy and to know that their happiness is your private hell. Pain Barbara, is what I've known since I've known you. At first..." She laughed harshly. "How was I to know it then for God's sake I was only twelve, I was just a stupid kid, isn't that right? I had the perfect childhood, a mother that loved me and gave me everything I wanted and more. I only wanted her love, and I had it, but one day I met you and the sun stopped rising and hiding because my mother wanted it that way. I worshiped the ground you walked on, I didn't know; those years under your care, waiting for gymnastics which I hated but that would mean I could be able to see you. And when my mother asked you to be my babysitter...God, I couldn't wait for her to go out because that meant that you would be with me. A couple of years later my world was broken into a million pieces and not only did I lose my mother that night but my innocence as well and everything I always dreamed I could be and on top of that I nearly lost you, I couldn't lose you, not you too." She said in a tortured voice, even after all these years just the thought was still painful, she paced up and down the room like a caged animal before stopping and continuing in the same tormented voice.
"Nobody really knew why I was there, strangers tried to comfort me, trap me, and take me away from you, that I was too young to understand. They said I was traumatized by my mother's murder, I fought tooth and nail, no one could tear me away from you, not when you were the only thing that I had left and that was when I finally found out who my father was, the high and mighty Batman, the multi-billionaire Bruce Wayne himself but it didn't matter who my father was anymore because I didn't give a damn about him, all that I needed was you Barbara, you." Helena moved away as far as she could, almost merge with the window; her gaze on the cityscape lost in memories and far from Barbara who watched her from the center of the room without saying a word. She seemed to be in shock, listening to each and every word from the young woman which was tainted by pain and desolation.
"You lying there in that hospital bed and me unable to do a thing, suffering with you, but I was just a kid right? I didn't know how I could possibly know about pain, about anger, rage, and the instinct to kill? Not only was my mother dead but the woman I adored was dying before my very eyes and I couldn't do anything,
NOTHING!" She screamed.
"Don't you have any idea? Each night, each tantrum, everything I did, every fight, every escape, it was all for you. I knew you were brokenhearted about the loss of your legs that you slipped into a deep depression and even then you accepted to be my guardian, even though everyone asked you,
No, demanded," she emphasized. "Not to do it, that you couldn't do it. But I knew, I knew what my mother's naming you my guardian meant to you. Your sense of duty was too strong to ignore it." She rubbed her hands against her sides, as if she could control the pain and the anger that ran through her veins like hot lava.
"I did whatever was necessary in order to keep your mind off of you own self-pity. Don't think that the guilt wasn't killing me for not being able to protect my mother, because it was" self loathing tainted each word. "I was torn up and full of anger, but my only worry was you. She was dead and I couldn't do anything about that, but you were alive and that was the only thing that mattered. Only you."
"But then Dick fucking Grayson arrived, waving around his good humor and disposition to make you happy and help you move forward, to learn to live with your disability and then I stopped existing for you." She almost gasped out as a wave of pain at the memories came rushing at her. "Oh sure, you kept your promise to feed me and provide a roof over my head, but I stopped existing" she snarled "If the only way to get your attention was to become a teen out of control, full of rage then so be it" a sarcastic laugh escaped her lips, making Barbara cringe. "They were right; I am a spoiled brat with megalomaniac tendencies. I was wild for your attention, craving for you to finally see me."
Helena leaned her hands on the window sill as if that would give her strength to continue. Her breathing was agitated and her heart beat frantically.
"One night I saw you crying, you were hiding out on the balcony, back then you didn't know that I liked to hide behind the gargoyle to cry. When I heard you, my first instinct were to jump out and hug you, I couldn't stand to see you cry." Her voice softened for a moment. "And then I heard you whisper my name and that you didn't know what to do with me, that I was out of control and that you thought that being by your side was only hurting me. Fuck, I felt so awful, so stupid. I had been such an idiot for not realizing that my attitude was only hurting you and putting in doubt your capacity to care for me as my guardian." She accused. "And then I knew arguments and tantrums were not what you needed from me. But I couldn't help it; Dick was there, by your side when I couldn't be. I tried every way I knew to be what you wanted me to be. What you needed me to be, so that you could believe in me and therefore believe in yourself, I swear."
Helena still had her back to Barbara, unable to look at her, not daring to see the distress or the pity in her eyes that Helena knew would be in the eyes of the woman that meant everything to her more even than the air that she breathed.
"I never knew the reason why Dick left only a couple of months after and I...I was never happier when I had you all to myself." She laughed lightly, as if at herself. "Don't think that I'm as egocentric to want your exclusive attention, it's just that I only wanted you to look at me, really look at me, to know, to understand what you mean to me." She declared passionately. "I put all of my efforts and dedication in learning how to be a vigilante, trying to make you feel proud of me, what better than to fight against crime to ease the rage that ran through my veins since the death of my mother. To get back at the Joker for doing what he did to you."
She stopped for a moment to try to calm down so she could clear her thoughts. She needed air. To think..., she almost gasped like if she was out of breath.
"They say that time heals all wounds, and time helped me to survive the death of my mother, but time also serves to mature and as the years passed what everyone could think was just a teen crush soon turned into something stronger. What I didn't understand back then soon became very clear, what didn't have a name, what I didn't know existed began to burn inside me. It began to drown me, to make me feel incapable of being at your side without fear of doing something that I knew would destroy our still fragile closeness.
Helena leaned her head against the glass of the window and she shut her eyes, she couldn't stand to see her own reflection or even see Barbara's silhouette behind her.
"That's why I moved out, a part of me wanted for you to beg me to stay, but you never said anything, you just smiled and said 'Of course, whatever you want.' Whatever I wanted, what I wanted was you!" She stated. "Damn it! I wasn't a little girl anymore, I was when I first met you, but that didn't stop me from feeling what I feel then and what I feel now, what I've always felt;" she made a pause like trying to regain some sort of control on her emotions. "Dinah came into our lives and everything seemed perfect, even though I was always bitching because of her presence, I was happy and comfortable with her. I knew with her there you would never be alone when I wasn't there. But once again life reminded me that you weren't meant for me. Wade came into your life and what I used to do to try to control the desire that burned me inside turned into an escape; all those nights on the prowl, the flings that I bragged to you about, each conquest, each night that I spent in someone else's arms, when it was only you who I dreamt of. They could be someone else's bodies but it was you who I yearned." She softly confessed.
"But any human has their limits, I could imagine, I could even stand seeing you with him, I could still have hope that he would be like the others, that he was only a diversion, a way to distract yourself. But then you announced that you would marry him. Forgive me Barbara for abandoning you but I couldn't take it any longer. Hurt you even more?" she shook her head "No, but if I stayed I would, I would be unable to see you with him, knowing that I had lost you forever." She declared with a sense of fatality.
"Pain Barbara? Pain is to love you the way I do without any hope. That is pain." She said with finality and without looking at the redhead who was still petrified in the center of the room. She abandoned the room without stopping; she had said what she had to say. She had lost her for sure, there was no way that Barbara would forgive her or accept what she had just confessed, she didn't want Barbara's pity, she didn't want to hear excuses or physiological explanations.
At the very moment that she had begun to speak, the words had come out of her mouth in a torrent unable to be held back any longer. All those years of silence, of suppressed feelings and hidden desires came to light like a landslide, Helena had not held back a thing, and she had lost.
Barbara had not only not uttered a single word, but she remained where she was in shock. Without paying attention to where Helena was going she ran to the window that led to the emergency exit and heading to the roof without looking back. Her eyes were filled with tears, she only wanted to cuddle up in her now favorite place and forget. Perhaps when she opened her eyes she would discover that it had all been a dream, that Barbara had never been there and had never heard her bare her heart in front of her. Confessing her deepest secret and feel her heart beating its last at her feet.
Helena had a deck chair and a tarp on the roof. Sometimes she liked to spend the entire night looking up at the stars and remember those nights in New Gotham.
Damn it, damn it, she made herself into a tight little ball and hugged her legs as she cried heartbroken, feeling as if her heart was breaking into a million pieces as her body shook with her sobs.
She thought that leaving Barbara was the most painful thing she had ever done, she believed that loving the redhead was a curse and a blessing at the same time, she had thought that she was strong enough to reveal her truth to Barbara and live with the consequences, she was wrong. She wasn't...
Part 17
******
Time seemed to stand still as if suddenly the room had been transported to another dimension where only silence reigned and only she remained with her memories. Barbara was left in the middle of the room completely stunned, unable to react, not even realizing that Helena had run away from her because it was too painful to face her, thinking that her words had been too appalling. Her mind was in turmoil, she couldn't seem to react or wrap her head around what Helena had just confessed with such torture; suddenly her eidetic memory became her worst enemy. Scenes of Helena in front of her, her actions, her attitude, her looks, everything revolved around in her head in no particular order, all of them barraging her brain with thousand of questions and answers she didn't know that she already knew.
She revived every look Helena had given her realizing now what they had meant, how many times -Barbara lost account- had she surprised the young woman looking at her? How many times had she thought it had only been curiosity or annoyance? How many times had she confused that look of sadness with frustration of the job they did? How many times had they fought over things that seemed irrelevant, but now made sense? Helena had only needed to show some of the passion but that could only be satisfied by seeking out fights with the redhead. Wishing..., needing that the passion that she was showing against Helena for a job or disagreement were much more than what they seemed. Oh, Hel!
How many times had Helena arrived at the tower to spend leisure time with Barbara and much to her surprise she didn't see the real reason behind Helena's actions, she never suspected why Helena would chose to spend some nights with her instead of going out on the prowl, Helena's normal behavior. When she would do everything possible to make her laugh and to relax, that sweet way Helena always paid attention to her, just her. Those crooked smiles that had always been such an enigma to Barbara now were crystal clear. It was Helena looking at her adoringly, smiling only at her suddenly making their true meaning evident.
Helena wanted her, Helena loved her -
not just that-
Helena was in love with her! Barbara's mind screamed and at that moment, everything became so clear, so painfully plain to see, each gesture, each smile, every annoyance, every fight, every single detail.
Helena loves me, really loves me!!
Barbara woke up from her trance and looked towards the window where Helena had been, but there was no one there. Barbara looked around dizzily, realizing dreadfully that she was alone.
"Helena!" She gasped out frightened and ran off calling out her name. She searched in every room, panic growing with each step aware that Helena seemed not be anywhere. She ran to the door nearly panicked and then noticed the young woman's keys and knew she had not left through the front door. A cold breeze blew in through a window and Barbara turned brusquely,
of course, the window! Why didn't I think of it sooner? She chastised herself; obviously, Helena would escape through the window, which was her habit. However, she wouldn't let her go; she had too much to tell her, to confess, to ask for forgiveness. She only hoped that Helena was nearby and not somewhere around San Francisco by now. Running away was Huntress style, but something told her that this Helena wouldn't run, not this time.
Barbara went out the window and noticed it was a fire escape, she didn't know how much time had passed since Helena had confessed her feeling or how much time she had taken to react, but something was telling her that she would find her on the roof. What other place could the young woman have but the heights? She didn't know the City but from what she had mentioned earlier Helena didn't do sweeps or pass time over roof tops as she had done in New Gotham.
With a purpose in mind, she climbed the stairs and when she was about to arrive on the roof she could clearly hear the sobs of the young woman. Her heart broke when she heard the pain plainly expressed in Helena's sobs.
No more tears Hel, no more. She promised, jumping the last couple of steps to run to Helena's side.
Helena with her heightened hearing must have perceived her, because with a rough voice from her sobs, she begged Barbara to leave her alone.
"Please, just leave me the hell alone! I don't need your pity, please." She said with a hint of her former rage.
Barbara didn't pay attention to her words and slowly moved towards her, thinking that Helena might bolt away from her, but Helena only curled up more and wrapped her arms around her legs tighter. Not daring to look at Barbara, almost as if in that way she could protect herself from Barbara's overwhelming presence.
"Hel, listen to me please." Barbara pleaded hesitantly.
"No, just leave; I can't do this anymore Barbara, no more." She murmured between sobs, her voice broken and defeated.
"Helena" She placed her hand against the brunette's shoulder feeling in that split second how she tensed and prepared to flee from her. Barbara reacted quickly and trapped her in an unyielding hug against her chest "No Helena", she exclaimed, "I listened to you now it's time for you to hold still and listen to me" she added exasperated. For Christ's sake! Hel, you are the most stubborn and frustrating woman I know." She added with exasperation.
Helena fought against the arms that held her, she was stronger than Barbara because of her metahuman genes but Barbara also had strong arms and torso due to all her years confined to a wheelchair.
"Damn it, listen to me." Barbara yelled fighting to keep her hold on the belligerent Helena.
"No, no, no I don't want your pity." Helena gasped against her, shaking her body in an attempt to loosen the iron grasp of the redhead and at the same time trying not to hurt the redhead with her struggling.
Barbara looked into Helena's eyes and before she could dart her gaze away, Barbara captured her face in her hands and held her firmly "Thickhead!" She exclaimed and kissed her, their lips met and Barbara assaulted Helena's mouth. She savored each inch of her mouth. She kissed her with determination, with force but yet delicately. Helena moaned breathless, lost in the sensations washing over her senses.
I must be dreaming! Was all Helena managed to think before losing herself in Barbara's mouth.
God, this was heaven. Her foggy mind thought trying to regain some of her composure, but it was useless...
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara was the only thing that her brain could gather.
Barbara was intoxicated by Helena's lips. After the frantic assault on Helena's mouth, once she was assured that Helena wasn't going to ran away, her kisses turned soft and playful, tasting the lips, caressing her lower lip with her tongue and biting it gently. Helena refused to release her every time that Barbara tried to separate them Helena would capture Barbara's lips once more, drinking from her mouth as if dying of thirst in the desert and the redhead the only one that could satisfy her thirst. Soon Helena's hands trapped Barbara, pulling her towards her, caressing her back, searching almost frantically Barbara's soft skin, needing more contact.
It was only the need to breath that forced Helena to pull away from Barbara's mouth. With a moan of frustration, she left her head fell back for a second exhaling shakily when suddenly what had just happened struck her right between the eyes. The feral eyes which when upset or aroused were two golden slits had slowly returned to their normal blue and soon darkened to a violet as she watched Barbara still stunned by what had just happened. Despite the heavy breathing of both of them Barbara smiled happily and laughed softly. Her green eyes brightly shinning with love and undeniable passion.
"Barbara?" Helena asked tentatively, searching for an answer, being aroused over what had just happened and feeling disoriented at the same time. Her brain just couldn't seem to comprehend,
"Hel." Barbara smiled, caressing her face, her lips.
"Barbara?" Helena repeated again, trying to form coherent sentences, looking at the redhead dumbfounded, almost pleading Barbara to help her to understand.
"Helena" Barbara whispered smiling, her eyes shinning with love.
"I...you...did you..." Helena tilted her head slightly "Why did you just kiss me?
"You kissed me back" Barbara replied amused.
"I did, did I?" The smile on Helena's face could have lit New Gotham for years, and then she frowned, "Why?" she asked with a slight tremor in her voice. She looked over at Barbara almost bashfully and lowered her head, hiding her face behind her hair.
Barbara chuckled, a throaty sound that sent chills down Helena's spine. "Because it was the only thing I could think of doing," she added. "Besides it got your attention, you stopped struggling after that." She pointed out. "And because it's something I've wanted to do for a very long time, so long that I don't even remember the first time I thought about it.
"But..."she shook her head trying to think clearly. "Red, you never...I..." she couldn't get her thoughts straight, her brain having short circuited the moment Barbara had kissed her. The feeling of the redhead's skin under her fingers was making it impossible for her to concentrate not even aware that her hands had made their way under Barbara's blouse.
Barbara cradle Helena's face in her hands, forcing the girl to look at her. What Helena saw in Barbara's eyes made her gasp. "I love you Helena Kyle, I'm in love with you." Barbara said slowly so Helena wouldn't miss a single word or the meaning behind them. "I always have..." she stated. "I was very stupid and foolish to not realize it before now. From the moment I found out you were gone I realized I couldn't live without you. But I would have too learn. I couldn't or didn't understand why until now. Would you forgive me Hel, for not seeing what was right in front of me for so long?"
Continued.