Part 4
*****
Barbara
I was so upset with Helena, in the last two weeks she had been distracted. It was the third time in a row that she returned to the tower with some kind of injury. First, a bullet wound while capturing Quinzel. Moreover, even though it hadn't been serious just a flesh wound it nearly stopped my heart when I heard the shot through the comm and then her moan as she was wounded. Three days later, she came back with several bruises to her ribs and to the right kidney caused by a pipe. Now this, a knife wound in the back. For God's sake if it weren't for her metaphysical way of healing almost immediately, she would be in bed for at least a couple of weeks. I was more than just upset, I was furious for her carelessness. Their work as it was dangerous enough in itself to be careless and too damn cocky.
As I watched her sleep I felt something inside me was about to blow up. Helena had always been too arrogant; too sure of herself and her abilities; her mother's death in front of her eyes had turned her into a time bomb, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. Over several months I saw her nearly self-destruct, and it didn't help that I was also trying to recover from the attempt on my own life that had left me chained to a wheel chair for life. We were both struggling to recover the pieces of our lives. I feared for Helena's life and many a times I dreaded I would return home and she wouldn't be there or that something might have happened to her.
Helena scared me more than normal with her attitude. I hadn't seen her so out of control in years and the worst part was that I didn't know what was causing it. Helena had always been like an open book to me. She never did hide anything, not even during her darkest moods could she hide what she was feeling, but since she had moved to her own apartment, it was difficult to know what she thought or felt. She continued being the same young woman that was arrogant and full of herself as always. She never lost an opportunity to tease me and drive me crazy, but she wasn't the same anymore. Something had changed since then. But over the last several months it had become evident that Helena was spending less and less time at the tower. At one time it was normal seeing her there all the time, now she only spent whatever time was necessary to give me a briefing on her rounds or to train with Dinah. Bit by bit Helena began to distance herself from me and for God's sake I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't know where my best friend had gone and it hurt.
It hurt and it worried me at the same time, it scared me to think that one day she wouldn't return from her sweep; that her distractions and recklessness would take her life away from me forever. I don't think I would know what to do with my life without her. True I had met her when I was 19 and she only 12 years old and she had been living with me since she was 17, suffering through the worst together, healing together, and reconstructing our lives together. I couldn't imagine a life without Helena by my side and I didn't want to start now. I needed to speak with her.
After Helena woke up, I was unable to control my anger any longer and exploded. In reality, it had been the fear and terror of losing Helena that now dictated my words, but in the end, the result was the same. Helena was always a bit dramatic in her ways; I was used to her disappearing of the tower like a bat out of hell when she fought with me. Helena hated to fight with me just as she loved to hassle me, but this time I was more than just angry and that it was her third serious injury in less than two weeks only added fuel to the fire.
To try to admonish and demand her to be more careful seemed the logical thing to do, perhaps questioning her abilities and asking her to quit if she wasn't capable of handling it was just my way of striking at her pride to try to make her be more responsible and to take things more seriously. However, instead Helena began to question my relationship with Wade as well as my decisions which only caused me to attack her word for word; I was so furious... frightened I couldn't seem to help it. Helena was the only one able to drive me crazy, to fuel my temper, which was usually under control, cold, serious, and analytic. No one was ever able to make me lose control, not one except for her.
What was a surprise was when Helena began to yell that she didn't need me or I her. It could be said that this was true, but the reality was that we did need each other that we always would need each other. I felt as if Helena was trying to hurt me and then she ran out of the tower, which was no surprise. I imagined she was upset for a few days and that she would return as always once she had gotten over her tantrum.
Frustrated and still a bit upset I left for work, that Friday I would be going to Wade's to go over the wedding preparations with his mother, I hated all that fanfare, I hated having to go to Wade's family home. You could say that I felt zero enthusiasm for the wedding preparations but of course, nobody knew that but me. I didn't want to hurt Wade; I thought I needed some normalcy in my life and Wade... the good and sweet Wade was the one to give me that normalcy in what was the chaos of my life.
The time I had to spend with his mother was hell, it really was a nightmare as always, and the woman never lost the opportunity to show her distaste at the idea of my engagement to her son. I had to bite my tongue for him to keep from saying anything insolent. I was beginning to seriously consider that normalcy in my life wasn't worth so much dismissal and resentment from my fiancés' families part.
As we did every Friday, Wade accompanied me upstairs, sometimes he would stay the night with me. We never really did anything, I had insisted that I wanted to wait until our wedding night, but he insisted we should at least get used to sleeping together so that he would get used to living with me. He knew how independent I was and he didn't want that to create any tension between us, so reluctantly I accepted. Since the engagement, he would stay over with me on every Friday night.
I listened to him half distractedly as we rode the elevator. My mind was really on Helena, I was still annoyed and worried by her attitude, besides she had left without giving me the opportunity to look at her injury. I knew that she was probably fine by now, she healed quickly, however, I had not been able to get rid of the nagging feeling that something bad had happened. I didn't know what it was but every time I thought about Helena, a feeling of dread and foreboding came over me. Helena hates to be in the tower when he was around, so I wasn't expecting her anytime soon.
When the doors slid open, I was distracted and had not noticed Dinah laying on the sofa in a fetal position. Wade called it to my attention. When I finally noticed I went directly to Dinah's side. A horrible feeling of anguish engulfed me. Dinah did not react when I first spoke to her, which frightened me. I made her look at me and when she did that sensation that had me in its grip only grew stronger. The blonde- face was swollen and her eyes were red from crying. She didn't want to look at me, but when I finally got her to do so I saw desolation in her eyes that left me petrified. I'm not sure how I managed to ask Wade to leave. I felt deep inside that whatever it was it was not something that I wanted him to witness. Truthfully, his presence in the Tower wasn't needed, so I asked him to leave as politely as I could. I felt his reluctance, I felt that he wanted to say something, but I cut him off as best I could and asked him to leave once again. When I was sure, he had gone I once again asked Dinah what had happened. Instead of telling me what it was, she tightened her grip around herself once more and continued to cry desolately. Her sobs broke my heart but I still could not manage to fathom what was going on. Nothing prepared me for what she was about to tell me.
Dinah cried for a long time as I held her, finally in a rough voice and just audible she murmured against my neck. "She's gone Barbara; she's gone... she's gone."
At first, I didn't understand what she was trying to say, her voice was just a whisper cut off by the occasional sob.
"Gone? Who is gone? Dinah for God's sake tell me what's going on." My voice broke; my body was as tense as a bow.
"Letter..." She said and indicated without much energy towards the envelope on top of the boxes.
I saw the letter and stretched out to reach it, with shaky hands I opened it...my heart stopped and I gasped when I read the three short lines.
Goodbye,
Be happy Barbara.
Take care of Dinah, she needs you.
HK
I read and reread the lines over and over again, written in Helena's distinctive handwriting, long and elegant strokes, but at the same time careless. My mind could not react, could not comprehend what the words said. I didn't want to believe what the lines said, it was too surreal. I would wake up any moment from this horrible dream.
"When?" I asked. "Were the boxes here when you arrived? Tell me Dinah!" I demanded. I needed answers and I wanted them now. But when I heard the answer from Dinah I was left stupefied.
"Helena..." She said in a scratchy voice. "She called me at school, earlier. She told me to stop by her apartment afterwards because she had something to give me. When I got to the apartment, it was empty, the only thing in there were those boxes and that letter."
"What time was that?" I demanded.
"Sometime around three"
"Why didn't you call me? Why did you wait until now to tell me? Dinah for God's sake we've lost so much valuable time to try to find her, the longer that time passes the colder her trail will become." I exclaimed disbelievingly, I couldn't believe Dinah had let so much time pass before telling me.
Dinah looked at me furiously, so much so that I drew back from her gaze, full of pain and rage, as if I had been accusing Helena of some crime or worse. Didn't she understand how vital the lost minutes were? The more time passed the harder it was to find trace of Helena's whereabouts. Her response left me dumb.
"Didn't you read what it said Barbara, BE HAPPY! Helena is gone; you think she's going to let you find her? You think she's going to leave a trail? SHE'S GONE!! For God's sake Barbara, if Helena doesn't want to be found she wont be. I don't know what happened between you two this morning; I don't know what you said to her to storm out of here the way she did. All I know is that she's gone."
The accusation that I heard in her voice made me freeze; I knew that Dinah wasn't to blame for my fight with Helena. I knew that Dinah didn't have the slightest idea of what had transpired between us this morning, but it still hurt. Something broke inside me, I needed to be strong, I needed to be rational, and I needed to find Helena.
Her look was cold and her jaw was tense. I slowly leaned in to the boxes and opened them. I knew Helena didn't have a lot of clothing in her apartment and only a few personal things. A picture of us three, one of her mother and a Monet painting,
Champ de coquelicots that her mother had loved. Everything else was at the tower, in her room. Helena hadn't lived at the tower officially for over two years, but that did not mean that she didn't unofficially live there either. Helena was always at the tower when she wasn't at the bar or out doing sweeps.
Once again I heard a voice gasp in surprise, I realized it was me, but the pain was too much. I kept hearing a deafening noise in my head, like a sharp whistle. In the first box was her favorite Huntress uniform, her favorite jacket, the studs and the necklace. Under that our photos and her mother's painting. She had taken the picture of Selina with her. She could leave behind her...her whole life, but never her mother. Oh God!
In that very moment I knew that the pain I had been feeling when I found out I was paralyzed for life was nothing in comparison with what I was feeling at that moment. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I felt breathless as if I had run miles and was panting; each breath I took was agonizing. I don't recall what I told Dinah, I know I must have said something, but my mind was disconnected, something inside of me was breaking and I didn't know what it was but I felt as if I was dying. I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't believe it.
Helena is fine, my mind keeps repeating. I'm going to go to her apartment and she will be there; maybe on the roof, pacing furiously and cursing my name but she'll be there. She will be back, She... I told my self repeatedly, although I knew the truth, there facing me was the painful proof. She was gone! She left me...
I knocked on the door and Helena invited me in, it had only been two weeks since I had returned from the hospital and I had not heard from her in several hours since she had returned from school. I was worried and decided to check on her. I found her lying on her bed looking at a Monet painting, "Champ de Coquelicots." Helena was intently gazing at it, her gaze did not waver. I did not recall ever having seen it before, at least not at Selina's house. I knew that it was an original and I wonder where it had come from, but I didn't dare ask. I looked at the painting in silence, until Helena said in a broken voice.
"It's legal, my mother purchased it a little after I was born, it was her favorite did you know? She loved it, it was hung in her bedroom and she always said that picture represented the peace I had brought to her life, the happiness that I represented for her.
"It's very beautiful Helena." It was the only thing that occurred to me to say.
"Barbara if someday anything ever happens to me, I want you to have it. I want you to remember that there is something beyond all this pain that we feel now."
"Please don't talk like that Helena." I begged, just the idea of losing Helena wounded me. I could not imagine what would become of me if someday I lost her.
Helena sat up and looked into my eyes, she smiled at me with one of her special smiles, a mix of sadness, disdain and hope all at the same time.
"Red, you and I know that nothing is sure in this life, I just want you to know that. This painting is the most precious thing I have from my mother and I want you to have it."
I felt tears form in my eyes and the knot that had formed in my throat prevented me from saying anything.
Helena looked at me with so much sadness then smiled once more before laying down once again to look at the painting. Without saying another word I left the room. I didn't have a good reason for being there during Helena's most private moment.
Helena had left me her painting and deep inside I knew that she was alive. Helena was not a coward; she would never take her own life. If she hadn't done it when her mother had died, she wouldn't do it now. However, deep within I knew what that painting meant. She had gone from my life and leaving me that painting was her way of saying goodbye forever. She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to remember her with a smile, and she wanted me to find the happiness that she thought I could never find.
I needed to do what I knew how to do which was be Oracle now more than ever. From the corner of my eye, I saw Dinah remove Helena's boxes and I moved towards Delphi to begin my search. I needed to find her before it was too late, before any possible clues vanished.
The first thing I did was look through the surveillance camera that I myself had put in at the perimeter of the Dark Horse. If Helena had left by the door, something had to be there, a taxi waiting for her or whatever I could find. What I found left me even more devastated.
Helena had left the Dark Horse with a backpack, dressed in jeans and a blouse over a t-shirt. She didn't look like the Helena I knew. She was always dressed sexy and elegantly, the girl that I saw on the camera was just like any other girl you might find out in the streets. This was a clear sign of her intentions. Helena wanted to blend into the crowd.
I saw her head towards the street before she raised her gaze and looked directly at the camera that she knew was there. She stopped for a moment and looked at the camera steadily for several seconds, her lips moved; she closed her eyes without looking back and began to walk down the street until she was out of camera range. Tears clouded my eyes; I reviewed the recording and tried to read Helena's lips.
"Goodbye Red."
"Oh." I let a moan escape like a wounded animal.
The pain was agonizing, Helena was saying goodbye, and Helena had looked straight at the camera knowing perfectly well that I would check the recordings; knowing that I would understand her words. Helena was saying goodbye. And the tears that I tried to hold back at all costs, trying to stop them from spilling over in a vain attempt to try to control the panic and anguish. Trying to make myself believe that I was strong enough to deny the truth, thinking that if I refused to recognize the desperation and pain I could make the truth become a lie. That Helena had not left, that it was all a stupid joke and that she was just about to jump through the balcony asking for my forgiveness, and that she only wanted to show me that she was worth something. Nevertheless, it was useless. The tears flooded my eyes and ran down mercilessly down my cheeks. I felt a suffocating pressure in my chest with my attempt to contain the tears, at not letting myself scream and cry like a wounded animal, crying out for her, wishing that she could hear me and return to me.
The image was there in front of me, the last image of Helena before disappearing from my life, saying goodbye. I didn't know that pain could be felt so thoroughly, so intensely, so devastatingly... I thought I knew I truly thought that nothing could be worse that losing my legs; I really believe that, it was a lie...
Continued...