Part 5
***
I wiped the tears away with anger, I couldn't be weak not now, Barbara Gordon couldn't afford to be weak, I had to be strong, and I needed more than ever my concentration and cool if I wanted to find Helena. The 'what if's' didn't exist, I'd find Helena, I had to, the very idea of living without her was terrifying. I didn't think I could it, I just couldn't.
I spent hours in front of Delphi, looking for the smallest clue that could lead to Helena, I checked again and rechecked images of airports, buses, trains, and rental car dealers, anything that could point out the way Helena had taken. I designed search programs with the data I had and Helena's physical characteristics, trying to use the technology in my favor, the first results were frightening:
Helena had withdrawn $30 thousand from the trust that Bruce had left in her name, even though the funds were unlimited the withdrawal wasn't large, the reason behind the withdrawal however caused chills to run up my spine. Helena hated her father, not only that, she despised him in such a way that she had sworn that she didn't want anything from him or much less his money. She hadn't needed to work in her entire life, ever; not only had Selina left her a large trust fund, but she was also the Wayne's fortune sole heiress. However, she had never taken a dime from Bruce's trust fund. The only money that she spent was from her mother's trust fund and only to buy clothes and some other miscellaneous items and only because her tastes were exclusive and expensive and with her salary as bartender she could not afford. All her other expenses were covered with what she earned in tips and the salary at the Dark Horse, which served to pay the rent, utilities, and any other expenses such as food; although being realistic, she usually ate at the tower unless she had other plans and of course her clubbing habits and nightly strolls.
I had to be objective; my rational mind required me to study the evidence, that I dissect and piece together what I had in front of me.
She left behind her clothes, her adored leather wardrobe, and vigilante boots.
She left her comm necklace and studs.
She left our photos and her mother's paint.
She vacated her apartment and job at the Dark Horse
She wore ordinary clothes
She withdrew money from Bruce's trust fund.
I removed my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose, I had a horrible headache, my temples throbbed, and I felt as if my eyes would pop out at any moment, each piece of information, each bit of evidence made my heart tighten painfully. Each action taken by Helena was a final good-bye as if she was trying to get rid of everything that was herself... Helena, Huntress, but was she the one who looked at with those eyes through a camera and said goodbye?
Our last words echoed in my head; I had told her that she if she couldn't be Huntress if she was not capable of being responsible... I had questioned her ability and skills to be vigilante of New Gotham, and Helena's actions with her departure were obviously that, I declaration of something I wasn't sure
..." You don't think me able to do it so you don't trust me. I have no reason to being; I have no reason to be here".
Oh my God! What have I done?! My mind cried out. I had doubted everything that was Helena, the essence of her being, if I knew something it was that Helena confided in me blindly, she was convinced that I trusted her. To doubt her commitment as a vigilante meant I also doubted her and in doing so, Helena would feel worthless.
Moreover, although my mind was determined to rationalize and analyze every detail I knew I wouldn't be able to understand why Helena had left. Nothing that she did so far, was according to Helena's normal behavior, she wasn't a quitter. Helena had a volatile temperament, was fierce and passionate, a fight as the one we had was not something new. We were fighting all the time, like cats and dogs, our fights were legendary, it was not surprising that she would leave the clock tower hissing and yelling mad and furious at me, then to see her back a couple of days later as if nothing had happened. However, this time Helena had gone, and I couldn't understand why!
I spent hours in front of Delphi, looking for her, desperate, because each hour that passed my heart was sinking a little bit more, I felt that I was losing her and I was terrified, I didn't know how to live without her, I had to find her, my mind repeated over and over in a silent plea.
That night the only thing I could do was try to locate Helena. At some point past dawn, I could hear Alfred in the kitchen, but I never realized when he arrived, my mind was on one thing only, Helena.
Alfred came later and told me that Wade was calling me on the phone, I know that I should have answered, that I should have said something, but I can't remember what, my eidetic memory was not recording anything outside of my need to find Helena. Dinah at some point approached me and asked me if I had found something, I said no, I said something more, but I don't recall what, I only knew that I didn't see her for the rest of the day, she probably had gone with Gaby.
Alfred gave me something to eat, but I only picked at the food, I had no appetite, I felt totally out of it, as if I were not myself, only an empty shell, I knew that things continued around me, I heard voices, I know that I answered, but by God I can't remember what I said.
My physiological needs made me retire from Delphi, but only for a few minutes, I refused to see Wade and nothing mattered to me anymore, only Helena.
That weekend was complete chaos for me, it was all blur, I don't remember what happened, I don't remember what I said, I don't remember what I did, the only real thing was that Helena was gone, I found no trace of her and I felt that I was going crazy with anguish and despair.
I forced myself to go to school, to continue with my daily routine, but my mind wasn't in it. A part of me, that part trained to be Barbara Gordon under any circumstance, was the one that did its role that week. Cold, independent, professional, the English teacher, Wade's fiancée, and the coworker at school. I did everything that was expected of me, but I knew I wasn't really me.
Not even when I had to face the fact that I was paralyzed, had I felt so disconnected from the outside world. It was frightening, it was as if suddenly everything around me had ceased to exist; I knew that the rest of the world kept spinning around me, but I could only see Helena telling me goodbye. Several times I thought I heard her voice and desperately sought her with my eyes, I thought I had seen her from afar, but only to realize it was someone else. I was going crazy!
I couldn't stop thinking about Helena, images and memories of our time together invaded my mind at every moment, I felt like I was drowning in the memories, each smile, every gesture, every tear, her yelling, her anger, all reminded me that Helena wasn't here anymore. My heart hardened to the outside world and I really didn't care.
Wade had been his usual self, charming, sweet, attentive, but to me he simply seemed somewhat annoying, I didn't love him, in reality I never did, he was only someone charming and suitable, something to pull me from my out of my normal routine,. I knew I shouldn't have accepted his marriage proposal. Nevertheless, the previous year had been so difficult as Oracle that I wanted something normal in my life; somthing outside the life of cyber vigilante so I decided it was time to have a nice normal relationship with someone who was handsome and kind and had been interested in me for a long time now. However, as time passed I was not so sure about that anymore, and now I simply had neither the desire nor the wish to continue the relationship; with Helena's absence, everything would be more difficult and complicated, Dinah was still very young to do it alone. Moreover, I still hadn't spoken with Dick about giving us some of his support and expertise.
Without Helena nothing made sense, it was as if suddenly I was in the middle of nowhere, I felt empty, without strength to fight, without someone to lean on, I felt I was dying slowly and I couldn't figure out why.
During the week, during my long nights of vigil looking for some clue as to Helena's whereabouts, I made the decision to cancel the wedding and break my engagement to Wade. I didn't feel the need or willingness to continue with the charade. I didn't love Wade, at least not as he deserved to be loved. He was a good man and deserved better than I could or should say I was ready to giveI was being selfish, I had accepted his courtship looking for some normalcy and now I was hurting him and he didn't deserve it. I felt so bad for doing so, but it was better to do it now and not when it would be too late. He couldn't be part of my life, it's too complicated, and my secret life was something that I didn't believe he could accept, or be part of. It was not something easy to understand and Wade was a man too ordinary and simple in his vision of life as to understand it.
After school, Wade took me to diner as was customary each Friday, to the same restaurant as always, if nothing else he was predictable and routine, something that at the time seemed pleasant, given how unpredictable my life was, that predictability that I found in Wade had been comfortable, but now it just annoyed me to no end.
Once seated at the same table as always, Wade ordered the house wine and the waiter took our order. When the waiter left us alone, Wade began to tell me about the wedding plans his mother had made during the week. I had been distracted and without time to attend to anything, however, before he continued, I stopped him and looked in his eyes with sadness; he must have noticed something because his body language changed and his body tensed.
"We have to talk Wade" I said with a serious voice, I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew that what I was about to say would do so without doubt.
"What happened dear?" he asked in concern "you look somewhat pale and exhausted, do you feel alright?" he took my hand and I squeezed it gently, I felt guiltier than before.
"Wade, I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you," I didn't know how to say it, suddenly the words caught in my throat
, God Gordon, say it already "Since I met you, I always considered you as a great friend and well..."
"What's up Babs?" He looked puzzled "I don't understand where you are going with this?" he interrupted me.
"Wade, it's that we have been dating for 6 months, 3 engaged, I know that we are just a couple of months from the wedding but I can't marry you."
"You can't do what?" He looked at me with some panic.
"I'm sorry, Wade, I cannot marry you."
"But...but...Why? Just a week ago we were talking with my parents about the arrangements, what could have happened in a week to make you change your mind so abruptly?" He was very bewildered, he looked at me with sad puppy eyes that I usually found adorable, but now it was just exasperating
"Wade, I thought long and hard about this, I believed that what I felt for you was enough to go ahead with the wedding, but I only care for you as a friend, and you deserve much more than that."
"But Barbara, you only need time, we get along well, we have the same tastes, hobbies, we are quiet people and hard workers, what more could we need? Am I a too predictable? Even thought I like the quiet life do you need more? I could change, I mean..."
"Wade, it's not you, it's me" I interrupted him. God! Couldn't this be more cliché,
it's not you it's me curse. I sound like a cheap soap opera character "I don't feel that what we have right now is really working. I know that we got along well, that we are friends, but that it is precisely the problem, a marriage should be more than that, do you understand?
"But I love you enough for the both of us Barbara, I really want to be with you and I don't care that you are tied to a wheelchair for the rest of your life" he tried to convince me but it was useless "We've spoken with a doctor and you can conceive, our sex life is satisfactory"
'For you' I thought to myself. God what was I thinking when I accepted to marry him? I thought. Yes, I know that to the outside I am a cold person and too damn brainy but that is the only thing that I could be in order to hide behind the facade of my wheelchair; nobody seemed to remember who I was before the accident. He didn't know who I was before that, he didn't know that a long time ago I was Batgirl, he doesn't know what my feelings are, he doesn't know how I feel. If our love were real, if his love for me was real he should know me. He hasn't realized that I am exhausted, that I have dark circles under my eyes that I don't sleep. That I am thinner, that my eyes are dead. He doesn't have the slightest idea that I am dying inside since Helena's disappearance. God, he doesn't even know that she has gone. I didn't tell him but he should know that something is wrong with me. Nevertheless, he doesn't know and he never bothered to know either.
"I am sorry Wade, it's the best for both of us, I thought long and hard these last few days, what we have is a beautiful friendship, but that is not good enough foundation for a marriage.
"But the wedding plans are almost complete, the invitations were sent. Barbara, what I'm going to say to my parents?" he was pale and his voice was child like.
"Don't worry about that Wade," I say to him incredulouslat hearing that the only thing that he is concerned about is the opinion of his parents and appearances. God, seriously I was stupid to believe that I would be able to accommodate him in my life. "Your mothersurely will be overjoyed that you won't marry me; she has always found me inadequate for you anyway."
I realize how you get tense when I say that, you are a mama's boy,
to be so bright Gordon sometimes you are a complete idiot I thought. How could I have thought for a second that I could marry him? How?
During more than half an hour, you try to convince me not to break up with you, that we can solve things, and while you do so, you keep eating and enumerating the reasons why we should marry. Moreover, the more I listen to you the more it sounds as if you are doing me a favor in marrying me. You are treating me as if justthe fact of being paralyzed from the waist down means that my brain also has ceased to function. I know I was an idiot to believe that I could marry you,. I don't say anything of course, and I have already done enough damage to your ego. You don't need more crushing words. I was an IDIOT! Period!
Finally, tired of listening to you I'm ready to leave. Don't you see that I don't care? Don't you realize that I'm not hearing a single word of what you are saying? I stayed here with you, I even tried to dine with you to be polite, but I'm not interested in your pleas. I removed the engagement ring you gave me putting it on the table. I repeat to you that I can't marry you that this is the end and that if your parents want to me to pay for some of the costs for the weddings plans to just send me the bill. I'm sure that your mother will be delighted to make me pay for losing her precious time; after all, she was against the idea of us getting married. She was right.
I remembered then that there was somebody else, who didn't want me to marry you, Helena.
God! Helena, my eyes filled with tears that I barely managed to contain, I said I'm sorry and leave you sitting at the table, you watch me leave but don't stand, as if doing so the rest of the patrons would find out that I am breaking up with you. I know we kept our voices low so no one could hear, but even so, you still feel panic that someone will find out. I'm sorry Wade, I'm sorry for not realizing sooner that I was making the biggest error of my life by accepting to marry you.
Fortunately, we came in separate cars since my Humvee is designed to my specifications and I had told you that we wouldn't be spending the night due to work. The online top muffins business I have with Helena, but if you only knew the truth.
As soon as I arrived at the tower, I see Dinah watching TV and I tell her that I've broken off my engagement to Wade. She can't believe it; she stares at me as if I were crazy, she tells me I love him, how could I do that, and I just cut her off. That's the way things are, period. I tell her I can't afford the luxury of distractions and she stares incredulously as if I were downgrading Helena to something bothersome. If she only knew that Helena was my guiding light and that without her I am lost. I have neglected New Gotham's security, concentrating my energies in finding her, but I can't do that anymore, I'm Oracle and I have to act as such.
The night before I had spoken to Dick to ask him to help with Dinah's training, he would be in New Gotham on Monday I informed her and then headed to Delphi. I removed the cover, which I knew Dinah had put on because she thought that Wade would be returning to the tower with me, but that wouldn't be occurring again so there would never be a need to hide who we really were.
Dick arrived on Monday as he had promised, the first thing he did was ask me about Helena's whereabouts. On Thursday when I had spoken with him, I hadn't given him any details; I only asked him if he would come to New Gotham for a few months to continue with Dinah's training. When he asked me for Helena, I felt a huge knot in my throat and the words sticking and my eyes filling with tears which I refused to let fall. I was not going to cry, crying meant accepting that I had lost her and I refused to let it get to me until I found her. However, on Monday Dick would not let the subject drop until he knew what had happened.
Even though Dick and Helena barely maintained a civilized relationship, they did so because of me. Helena had always been a bit jealous of my connection with Dick, even when she was a child when she had seen him stop by to pick me up after gym class; I noticed the distaste that she felt for him. With the passing of time and his continued presence in my life after the attack that left me paralyzed, Helena got even more resentful with him, always trying to provoke him and drive him crazy. I couldn't understand why she resented him so much. Sometimes I would ask myself if perhaps she resented the fact that Dick was Bruce adopted son and that he had gotten the attention that she never had. Nevertheless, that wasn't Dick's fault and the ironic thing was that their lives resembled each other. Both had lost their parents due to Batman's enemies, even if the Grayson's didn't have any connection with him at the time, they had been gunned down by the Killer Moth in a gala in front of Bruce Wayne and this incident was what helped Bruce decide to take on young Dick under his wing.
So it was no surprise for me that Dick wanted to know what had happened between us for Helena to leave. It surprised me that he would immediately associate her disappearance with me, as if there was nothing else that could have caused it except for a fight between us.
"Why do you immediately assume that I am the reason for her leaving?" I asked with controlled anger, looking at him furiously.
Dick had the decency to blush when she confronted him with his assumption, but that did not stop him from believing it.
"Forgive me Barbara, but Helena has always been a bit overprotective of you, she was your shadow since she was a kid, the fact that you fight all the time isn't new. Helena is a very independent young woman and full of rage, but with you, she's different, you are her weak spot. If someone wants to drive her crazy, they only have to target you. Therefore, I ask you once again what happened for her to leave yo...leave New Gotham.
I realized when he corrected himself that he was going to say leave you but he corrected himself. What was going on? Dinah had assumed the same thing as well; even Alfred had been shocked that Helena had left. Did she left? ...But caring for you is her utmost priority!
What did they think was going on between Helena and I? What made them assume that she wouldn't leave... me, why they couldn't believe it?
"Tell me why did you fight this time?" He insisted.
"Because of her lack of concentration she got hurt three different times these last few weeks. This could have been prevented if she had only concentrated more. I don't know what was going on with her lately but her mind wasn't on her duties. Our work is dangerous enough without adding distractions, it's a sure bet it will result in them killing you." I explained in my best teacher voice.
"I see, but it's not the first time that Helena is distracted, right? I recall that when I was younger she was very playful, too sure of herself and her abilities to pay much attention to those trivialities as she called them. If I remember correctly, it seemed as if she looked for fights or confrontations just to let out her rage. Something that drove you crazy, but with time she matured and she stopped being that daredevil.
"It wasn't only her lack of concentration, she was distracted during the last few weeks, coinciding with her wounds, she seemed to be elsewhere, too engrossed in herself. She stopped coming to the tower and if she did, she'd lock herself in her room or watched TV without saying a word for hours. Later she stopped coming altogether for the briefings, she would give her report to me by comm set, or she would just cut off communications. However, the main point is that she was being wounded for her lack of concentration and her careless attitude. That was an indication that something was bothering her, almost as if she didn't want to do what she was doing anymore. I don't know." I ruffled my hair and took off my glasses to pinch the bridge of my nose, my head was starting to hurt, and actually, since she had left I had a permanent headache.
"You still haven't answered me Babs, what did you say?"
I blew out furiously and looked at him. "I told her that if she wasn't up to doing the work of a vigilante and its responsibilities, the responsibilities that these duties carry I would rather she didn't do it."
"In other words you degraded her and distrusted her capacity as a vigilante." Dick said in a tone that clearly imparted his surprise. I know that he knew me well enough to know the real intention behind my words, but he also knew Helena -at least Huntress façade- well enough to know what my distrust in Helena would do to her self-esteem. She was a person very sure of herself, arrogant and confident of her meta skills, unless I doubted her, in that case Helena would turn into an anxious child eager to please. I knew that Helena, trusted me with her life, I knew that. Why she couldn't see that? Why did she leave?
"My intention was to make her pay attention to what she was doing and that the mistakes she was making could cost her... her life. I never imagined that she would leave the city."
"Are you sure she left?" He asked questioningly
"Of course I'm sure" I snapped, "there isn't anything that happens in New Gotham that I don't know, besides she emptied her apartment above the Dark Horse, she even took out money from Bruce's trust." I said as if just the mention of her father was reason enough to explain the magnitude of the situation.
"Yes, she definitely left. Helena would never dare touch the money Bruce left unless she had to and only once and never again." He stated matter of fact.
"I know", I answered under my breath; I lowered my eyes starring at my hands. Suddenly I felt pathetic, drained.
"Helena will return" Said Dick with confidence. "Once she calms down she'll be back. She probably left to show you, you need her."
When Dick said that, I thought about Helena's actions until then had only demonstrated one thing, she was determined to disappear, she hadn't taken anything that would associate her to Huntress nor even Helena Kyle for that matter. She hadn't taken any of the air or land transportation options available in the City. Everything seemed to indicate by the way she left that Helena wanted to assure herself that there was no trace of her. If she had wanted Barbara to find her, for her to beg her to return she would have left all kinds of clues that would lead her to Helena's whereabouts, but on the contrary Helena had taken every precaution so that wouldn't happen any time soon.
"It's only been two weeks, maybe she was really stressed, it can happen Barbara. She's 25. It's completely reasonable that she should be having an identity crisis and need to reevaluate some things. She'll come back you'll see." Dick said optimistically. There was something in his expression that left me uncomfortable, almost as if he knew something that I didn't, God! Was it bothering me? Dinah sometimes surprised me with that same look, Alfred too, that look that said they knew something, something that I should know but that I was too blind to see for myself.
"I hope that's true Dick, Dinah misses her, she left without telling her goodbye." I said
"I know she'll return." Dick insisted and I wanted to believe it, I needed to for my own sanity.
Dick took over the physical and field training of Dinah with the care and concentration required to mold the young woman. However, I couldn't help but notice that Dinah couldn't seem to help but make comparisons between his methods and Helena's. Dick was more cautious, more observant of the situation before acting while Helena was more aggressive, impatient, and impulsive. The difference between them was very simple, Helena was half-metahuman, and Dick wasn't. Dick's abilities and strengths were products of hard training and study of the criminal mind, his work as a detective at Bludhaven showed it. Helena for the contrary was the perfect combination of two strong humans. Helena could be Selena's daughter in every sense of the word but whether she liked it or not, she was also a Wayne from head to toe. Moreover, that was precisely what frightened Barbara the most, Helena was after all, Catwoman and Batman's daughter.
One afternoon that my nerves were on edge and I felt as if I was about to explode, I asked Dick to accompany me to the gym to train, even if my mobility was limited because of the wheelchair I had had to learn how to defend myself sitting in it. My upper body was very strong, not only did I use it to move my whole body, but my chair as well and I made sure I kept in shape. The leg press was designed so that I could lift and lower my legs by electric impulses but also allowed weights to be used depending on the resistance that was applied. Not only did I do physical therapy to maintain my muscle tone, but I also trained daily for an hour with different weights to make my legs toned as well like the rest of my body. I was determined to walk again one way or another sometime in the future and to accomplish that I needed my legs to be in top condition to be able to hold up my body without problems, especially after so long tied to my chair.
"I don't want you to restrain yourself Dick, you are here to help me train, not to baby me, got it?" I told him, glaring at him coldly.
"Whatever you say Babs" he answered with an amused stare balancing the escrima sticks between his hands.
I know I was burning with rage, pain, anger, sadness, my entire being was clamoring what I no longer had, something that I didn't know I needed until I had lost it. I had spent many sleepless nights thinking about Helena, nothing else seemed of importance, I was like an autobot performing my daily routines. I was just an empty husk after her departure, barely alive; my heart was lost in silence. I had lost hope that perhaps after a time she would write or call or something to let us know she was fine, but more than two and a half months had passed and we still had not heard anything from her.
It was that pain that drove my attack, I was furious, full of rage and pain; I attacked Dick with all the dexterity that I had developed over the years with the escrima sticks, hitting him viciously and with all my strength. My chair was equipped with a mechanism that permitted me to move in a full circle just with the movement of my torso, thus allowing me the full use of both hands to defend and attack. It was a new mechanism that I had developed to make myself more efficient, in case I needed to counter attack or protect myself, and now was the perfect time to employ it.
After about fifteen minutes, I noticed Dick looking at me questioningly, as if he were asking himself questions that he wasn't sure he wanted the answers to.
"You know Babs? I don't understand why Helena's leaving bothers you so much. I mean, ok, she's your best friend, you've known her since she was a little girl, but...Don't you think it was about time to let her grow up? Maybe that's why she left? If she'd stayed, she'd always be under your shadow.
"You don't know anything." I said furiously as I swung to hit his legs, which he avoided by jumping as he in turn took a swing at me that I managed to intercept.
"Oh, come now Barbara, you act as if you'd lost the love of your life and not just a temperamental child that constantly drove you mad with her arrogance and irresponsibility". Dick knew he was playing with fire, but he felt that was the only way to get the redhead to come out of the funk she had been in, and that was to make her confront her own demons. He might be a man, but he wasn't stupid, it hadn't taken much to figure things out about the true reason behind Helena's departure.
He had always wondered what was between those two, the connection between them was much too deep to be just sisterly love like the one he, and Barbara had. Sure, they'd had a brief fling as teens but that had not been enough to say they were made for each other. They had been too alike and too independent to settle down. The truth was that their relationship had been more a case of raging hormones and adrenaline than love.
"You have know idea what you're talking about Dick," Barbara repeated between gritted teeth, she felt as if her whole being was about to explode, she wasn't sure if in tears or laughter at the absurdity of Dick's words.
"Don't I? For God's sake Barbara, I thought you were intelligent, but it's obvious that you have hidden your feelings too deeply that you can't see what's in front of you. You've been just be a shadow of yourself since she's been gone. What do you care if she's gone, she'll be back someday if she wants to. You have your own life, your life it's not her.
"Shut up!" Barbara screamed and hit him with such force that it took him by surprise and knocked him down.
"If I don't know what I'm talking about Barbara", Dick laughed from where he lay. "Tell me, why is her absence killing you?"
With those words, he got up and left Barbara panting from her efforts without looking back. He knew she had to be alone. Now it was just a question of waiting for her reaction. He hoped it was for the better and not for the worse. He hoped that instead of continuing to drown in the abysmal depression she was in, she would decide to come out of her shell and see herself for what she was. A woman suffering for the love she'd lost. He only had to add up the numbers to know the reason for why Helena was acting so strangely after the announcement of Barbara's pending wedding to Wade; and if Helena had left, was because she was left no other choice.
He was just waiting for Barbara to open her eyes before it was too late, if Helena should one day decide to return it would be better for the redhead to know by then what her feelings were for Helena and maybe just maybe there might be a chance for them. He was convinced that no matter how many miles or how much time separated them, Helena was in love with Barbara and would be all her life. Nevertheless, the truth was not his to tell. The truth was obvious for everyone that knew them in more than just a casual manner except to them. If it weren't for the fact, the Helena was eight years younger than Barbara was and that she had been her guardian for two years none of this would be happening. He was convinced that one of the reasons why Barbara had hidden her true feelings for Helena for so many years had been because she considered it a lack of respect and would have felt as a cradle robber. This of course was ridiculous from a logical point of view. It was certainly understandable when Helena was 16 or even 18, but once Helena turned 20 that shouldn't have caused Barbara any concern.
I didn't know what was going through my head after he left, I only felt that something inside me had broken into a million pieces. That wall that I had erected over the years to protect me from my feelings towards Helena came tumbling down leaving me alone and with a sense of unbearable loss. I felt my body shaking with deep sobs, tears for her, because I didn't have her by my side, for not being able to look her in the eyes and ask her forgiveness. To be able to tell her that she and only she is the one I love, that I didn't want to lose her, that she was my reason for being, for living.
I'm not sure how much time I was there; I only remember that when I finally found the strength to move I went to my room with an empty sensation in my gut. I felt an emptiness that could only be filled by her presence, but at the same time with a resolution that I must live for her. I maintained a small glimmer of hope that one day, she would return to me and then nothing would stop me from telling her I loved her. It didn't matter if she didn't return my feelings; I only knew that I needed to tell her even if it was too late for me.
With this resolution in mind, I retook my life back with cautious enthusiasm, after all, she wasn't here now, and only her presence would make me happy again. One of the decisions that I made was to quit teaching, not that I didn't enjoy it, I loved it, but now my mind was not in it. If I was ever able to walk again I did want to get feeling back in my legs and during one of my conversations with Dick he informed me about a nanotech research program at Wayne Laboratory's that would restore and regenerate damaged nerves. As soon as the school year ended, I would join the group to work full time on the research.
I never stopped looking for Helena, I had the hope that she would continue being a vigilante and that somewhere news would surface of some unknown hero saving lives and fighting against crime, however, in the months that passed until now there was nothing on her, not a single word. She just vanished in thin air.
***
The crime in New Gotham didn't stop because of the absence of one of its vigilantes, a Chinese mafia was threatening to take over the city and soon bodies began to appear dead in a strange manner, particularly the bosses and the lieutenants of other gangs in the city. The bodies appeared with their throats slashed and a note written in Japanese begging forgiveness, which was more than odd. I began by cross-referencing all the information that I could find on these strange killings. Everything indicated that it was done with a sword or Katana, but what most caught my attention was the note asking for forgiveness. That didn't seem normal for a paid assassin.
After many hours of research and several days of looking for clues, I finally found the mafia's headquarters and sent Nightwing and Black Canary to investigate. What they found at the hideout was much more than what we anticipated. Aiko's rescue was fortunate, but it was more than that, besides learning her history, she was willing to join us in order to fight against crime. That was something completely unexpected. At first, I had my doubts, but with the passage of time Aiko aka Lotus, became a great asset. Aiko not only had training as a samurai, she was agile and very intelligent, and able to work well undercover. She was like a phantom; I couldn't help but compare her to Helena, who had the same ability of hiding without being seen.
Once the school year was done, I dedicated myself to nanotech research. Fortunately for me, I worked shoulder to shoulder with Dr. Ashley Brennan, an expert in the nano science, with whom I surprisingly got along really well; so much so that after working together few months I found myself confiding in her about the real reason for working on the nanotechnology research. She understood that even though I was working to find a method to regenerate cells for humanities' sake I also had my own agenda. I showed her my work with the transponder module that permitted me to walk for short periods of time but with a lot of pain. Together we began to work on a design in which it would only send electronic impulses to the nanos and these would in turn work as a bridge between the damaged nerves and the healthy ones. At the same time, we began to do research to see if it was possible to get the nanos to create their own permanent bridge between the damaged nerves and the healthy ones and thus walk again without the transponder. In other words, get the nanos to create new nerves.
Was it dangerous? Yes, I knew it was, we weren't authorized to test our findings on humans, but after several experiments on rats and rabbits, we realized that the nanos weren't dangerous to a person's health, actually, if they performed the way they should, then the body, would assimilate them without secondary side effects. Therefore, I made the decision to start injecting small amounts of nanos into my spine to start the progress bit by bit and to see if they would eventually bridge the gap over my damaged nerves.
We had to create the nanos with a specific programming so that when they were injected directly into the spine the encoding would make them attack the problem area directly. That was what took longest, the programming of the nanos. It had to be perfect to accomplish our goals. Ashley and I spent hours behind the nano generator studying the best way to program them with the DNA packets required, so that they could serve as connectors to the damaged nerves and at the same time repair, the damage caused to the nerves. The nanos had to attach to each other to create a string that would connect them to the healthy nerves and bypass the damaged nerves at the same time in order to generate healthy ones.
It was hours of tireless research to recreate programs again and again until we achieved the perfect codification for the nanos to do the work for which they were being designed. When I managed to create the perfect encoding according to the experiments in the rabbit, I told Ashley that it was time to inject me with a double dosage that was injected in the rabbit in order to see the outcome. The intention was to regain a phantom sense in my legs, perhaps not a feeling per se, but something close to it.
The injection was painful and dangerous, fortunately Ashley had experience in such a procedure, doing it on animals was further complicated because their spines were so small, so there would be less complications on mine. That Friday evening we waited for the rest of the researchers to leave so that we could proceed with the delicate procedure. The first thing I did was to adjust the security cameras in the lab so that no one would see the experiment that was about to be done on me. It was the main priority to keep this a secret; Ashley could lose her job even her license if anyone found out about what she was about to risk on my behalf.
We talked a lot about the pros and cons of the research, and the procedure we would have to carry out in my person. Nevertheless, after many hours of discussion and research, Ashley accepted that the risks couldn't be beyond what I was already suffering. After all, if the nanos were unable to regenerate my nerves or become the connectors, we wouldn't lose anything by trying; they weren't dangerous with the right programming, one that we were working tirelessly to improve. Therefore, once all was prepared, Ashley injected me with a specific amount of nanos into my spine, just in the area where the nerves had been damaged by the bullet impact that paralyzed me from the waist down. After a couple of hours lying face down, I went returned home as always, now it was only a matter of waiting.
The first week, I didn't feel any changes, however, in the second week, I began to notice a phantom feeling in my legs, very vague, but it was there. After discussing this with Ashley and writing down the relevant observations we waited some more. By the third week, we injected a second dosage to strengthen the progress of the pioneer nanos. After all, these had a specific span of life, and once this ended, they would dissolve and be absorbed by the body. I still had to be injected every two or three weeks in order to continue with the experiment. The nanos would continue working on the regeneration slowly if and when they were reinforced with a fresh batch of nanos.
By the end of the month after my first injection, I could not only feel the phantom sensations, but for the first time in seven years I felt cold in my legs, my skin started to recognize the temperature changes. Completely shocked and overwhelmed by those forgotten sensations I locked myself up in my bathroom and I cried for joy and sadness, I would have liked so much for Helena to be here, by my side to share the success. Over the next six months, Ashley injected twelve doses of nanos in my spine. Each injection had a more prolonged effect; the first time it almost took two weeks before the first one took effect to create sensation in my limbs. By the eighth, it was just a matter of days and I could already feel pain, cold, heat, even the tension when I exercised my legs. Nevertheless, that I could feel, didn't mean that I could walk, I could stand and feel, however I needed more time to get my legs to function properly once again.
After eight Months after the first injection I could walk for the first time, we discovered on a hunch, that if I used my belt at a low power level, only providing support to the nerves, without the need to recreate the whole motor system to my legs, I managed to walk without pain even with the belt. It was then when I decided to entrust Dinah and Aiko with the results. When I came out of the elevator walking and stopped in front of them, they were very stunned. They couldn't believe that I was walking on my own and with a minimal use of the transponder. Dinah initially showed a little concern, but once I explained the procedure and the necessity to maintain the secret behind the reason that I could walk, they understood and congratulated me with great enthusiasm.
Dinah was looking at me with a hint of nostalgia and sadness at the same time. I understood her completely because it echoed in me; she was thinking in Helena like me and the happiness that she would be feeling if she knew that I could walk again and that I had regained the use of my legs once more. Several times, I surprised Dinah watching me with an odd look since that fateful night, in which she was a silent witness of my deep sorrow at Helena' departure. I noticed that gaze more often now, it was a mixture of sadness and amazement, and perhaps a little nostalgia combined with disappointment, as if she knew something that I didn't. Each time I surprised her looking at me that way, she would blush and she would avoid my eyes that watched her inquisitively. I couldn't deny the feeling that she knew something I didn't and I was going mad wondering, what could she know? Maybe she was in contact with her and Helena had asked her not to tell me? One day I couldn't stand it anymore and I confronted her.
"Dinah, can I ask you something?" I said with neutral expression, trying not to scare her.
"Sure Barbara, what's up?" she looked me in the eyes with curiosity, ever since she started going to college we didn't see each other much, besides the briefings after patrols and during even them, did we exchanged more than a few casual words, everything was about "work" or her studies. Now more than ever, I missed Helena's presence, the tower felt so empty and cold without her in it. Helena had the ability to capture a room with her single physical presence, it was so overwhelming and warm at the same time, as Huntress, or just Helena she could be a very sweet person, so tender and vulnerable behind her arrogant and sarcastic façade.
"I know that you're a very loyal person and that you would never betray my trust nor of anyone you love, is that true?"
"You know it is Barbara, you can count on me for anything" she was dead serious, and at the same time wary, wondering why I was asking her that.
"I thought so, which leads me to the next question, I noticed that on several occasions you look at me with certain expression that makes me wonder what's going on in that pretty little head of yours.. I am sorry, but correct me if I'm wrong. Is Helena the reason why you've been doing it?
Dinah blushed as if she didn't know what to say "Well...its...that, I know that you miss her, I do too and well I don't know if you well, you know. Feel the loss as I do, I mean not the same of course just... you know." She shrugged and pushed some of her blonde air behind her ear.
Dinah's words did make sense certainly, but something inside of me told me that there was something else. Something I wasn't sure I was ready to know.
"If Helena had contacted you and requested you to keep it a secret, you would do it, right?"
Dinah was blushing furiously now, and had a stunned expression and for several seconds she opened and closed her mouth in a perfect imitation of guppy fish. "I... I, the truth is I don't know Barbara" she said looking at me in the eyes, with tears in them "if you think that Helena has contacted me you are wrong, but I wouldn't know what to do if she did and asked me to keep it from you. Barbara you are like a mother to me, I love you very much, if you hadn't taken me under your wing, I don't know what would have happened to me. From the day Helena left, I have seen you suffer from her absence. I miss her too but I now it doesn't compare to how you must feel. But I really don't know what I would do, Helena is like the older sister I never had, she is an important part of my life, I miss her and need her, but seriously Barbara, I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't know 'cause even if she would ask me to, eventually my conscience would make me tell you just to ease your peace of mind. Even if we didn't know for sure where she was, you still would like to know that she is fine. I would feel caught between the two people that mean everything to me, you guys are my family and I know that Helena knows it too, and she would never ever put me in that kind of situation. I would feel as if I was betraying you and hence her. That would be something that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for."
I stared into her eyes for several seconds until I was satisfied with the truth of her words. She was telling me the truth, she had no idea where Helena was, although I felt a little bit calmer, I still got that feeling that Dinah knew something more that I didn't, but apparently any serious attempt to convince Dinah to confide in me, was futile. After all, if she knew something surely it was something that Helena had entrusted only her with, and in that case, she couldn't tell me without betraying Helena's confidence. A no win situation for me.
"Thanks Dinah, I just wanted, I don't know..." I pinched the bridge of my nose "Just to have something to hold on to. It will be soon two years since she left and..." my eyes filled with tears, there had been no trace of her, nothing, no news had ever had appeared either in the papers or newscasts, not a single word of a vigilante doing justice anywhere around the world. It was as if Helena had disappeared from the face of the planet."
She looked at me with great sorrow, but she had nothing more to say. There was nothing left to say, at least not to me. Soon it was time to make the sweeps and I forgot everything for the moment, after all, the crime doesn't rest and somebody had to deal with it. My heart never ceased to cry out for Helena, but somehow I had learned to survive with that emptiness in my heart. It could not be any other way.
Shortly after the two year anniversary of Helena's departure, Dinah asked me if she could take a few days off to go to San Francisco with Gabby, she was attending a photography symposium that coincided with her break between semesters; I didn't see a reason why she shouldn't so she went with Gabby to San Francisco. She deserved a vacation after all the hard work we'd been doing lately. When she returned a week later, Dinah was in an exceptionally happy mood, beyond her normal effusiveness. She told me in complete detail everything that she had seen, eaten, almost every hour of her visit, she made me laugh with funny anecdotes, I was glad to see her so happy, she had never been so relaxed and cheerful since Helena's departure. Perhaps this trip to San Francisco was what she needed, a change of pace. I asked myself if maybe that's what I needed too, a good vacation.
On my birthday, Dick, Dinah, Gabby, Aiko, Ashley and her partner Lizzy took me to dinner at an exclusive French restaurant, La Bleu Maison. I had a great time until the point where we had to cut the cake, when they asked me to make a wish. The only thing I could think of was Helena; I wanted her to be here with me.
When we returned to the tower, Aiko said that she would go to do patrols and Dick offered to go with her, Dinah apologized saying she had a lot homework to do and I went to sit in front of Delphi to monitor the criminal activity. It was my birthday but I didn't feel like celebrating at all. This day in particular I missed Helena even more, the year before my engagement to Wade, Helena took me to celebrate at our favorite Italian restaurant, and then to
No Man's land to a surprise party with all our friends. The following year, Wade had abducted me all night and Helena had been in a bad mood for the next few, days, barely talking and only if necessary by the comm set. She had given me my gift during the morning as if it was nothing special and I didn't see her again until three days later. I felt bad because I knew how much Helena cherished to celebrate my birthday with me, always giving particular attention in them and spoiling me for the sake of it; but with the appearance of Wade that changed.
How stupid could I be I told myself as my eyes filled with tears. Since Helena had left, I had cried more than I had ever done when I found out I was paralyzed.
Dinah approached me some time later, she was carrying a kind of package in her hands, it was wide and large, it appeared to be a painting or something like that, it was still wrapped in its protective cover, I looked at her intrigued.
"What is that Dinah?" I asked curious, trying to inject a little joy to my voice, Dinah could see my tears clearly, I didn't make any effort to try to hide them from her, it was futile to do so.
"A late birthday present" she offered nervously.
"Oh, thank you", I said, smiling warmly.
"I hope you like it", Dinah said with a tremor in her voice that I didn't understand. She looked almost frightened.
"Anything coming from you will be really appreciated Dinah" I smiled in gratitude.
Dinah gave me the package, and waited nervously for me to open it; I took my time removing the wrappings. The gasp of surprise almost made me fall back; the painting fell from my shaking hands. Dinah hurried to catch me. But... but, my mind screamed confused trying to understand what I had in front of me. I stared at Dinah aghast; shaking my head, I closed my eyes trying frantically to regain my composure.
"This gift isn't mine, it was sent to you by somebody else" Dinah said, "I know where Helena is, Barbara." she confessed in a terrified whisper, my legs were trembling and I fell onto the chair without strength.
"Helena!" I whispered.
Continued...