~ If I Close My Eyes ~
by V

DISCLAIMERS: See Part 1

Feedback to: cileraine@earthlink.net

Chapter 5 Alex

Alex awoke from her miasma when she found herself in front of the hospital, Hammond snapped out orders, making it very clear his opinion on what she was about to do. But the former ADA only stared at him coldly letting him know what his opinion meant to her; his opinion in that regard was useless to her, but being by Olivia's side at that moment of live or death was not an option for her. It was the only thing that she could and wanted to do.

She had been led into the hospital by a backdoor. Elliot was waiting along with Munch and Fin who immediately provided cover for her as they led her into the interior of the hospital and directly to the waiting room in the ICU Unit. Olivia was out of surgery, still in danger; they had had to revive her at least two more times. The doctors feared some brain damage at this stage. Now all they could do was wait and pray for her life.

"Elliot, how is she?" Alex asked as soon as she was inside, looking at Stabler anxiously.

"She's in really bad shape Alex." Elliot was totally devastated, his eyes were red and his clothes rumpled even though Munch had taken him a clean shirt to replace the one that was covered in blood. And even though his jacket and slacks had blood spatters he didn't dare leave the hospital even though he couldn't be with Olivia.

"What happened?" She demanded to know piercing him with her gaze. "Why...damn it...why is she..." her voice cut off, a knot in her throat preventing her from continuing.

"We went looking for a perp; he kidnapped one of his rape victims. We found her mutilated body in the bathroom. While I made the calls for to the coroner, Olivia went into another room looking for evidence. We thought that he was no longer there. The door had been open when we arrived, but he was there, he shot her at close range, I..."

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath, halting Elliot's explanations with a raised hand; she didn't want to hear anymore. They had both committed the error of assuming that the perp was no longer there after discovering the body, a fatal error that was now threatening Olivia's life. She didn't want to know, the picture Elliot had painted had been enough to freeze her blood, just a stupid protocol error, but oh god, she knew how much of a daredevil Olivia was, always putting the victim first, but nevertheless she wasn't careless.

None of the three detectives dared look at her, Elliot ashamed because he had failed to protect his partner, Fin because he was still shocked that Cabot was alive and Munch was too busy trying to find reasons for the apparent conspiracy behind the supposed attorney's death.

That was when Stabler told them the truth or at least part of it; after all it wasn't up to him to explain the nature of the relationship between Liv and Cabot so he quickly gave them a brief rundown of Alex's situation and left it at that. However, they weren't a Captain and two good detectives for anything; they only had to add two plus two to find the reason for Alex Cabot, who had been under the WPP to come back even though her life was still in danger, why would she put herself in peril for just a co-worker? It wasn't so hard to understand really. Something which as detectives they understood, or perhaps not, after all it was always easier to feign ignorance given the delicate circumstances, it could have been the end of their careers, so it was easier to look away. After all as a family you always cover each other's backs.

"Why did you call me?" Alex didn't understand. They certainly knew that this would put her in jeopardy. In reality all they had to do was notify her of the death if and when she left the WPP or...

"She called for you," Elliot said in a rough voice, "just before she..." he paused before saying 'before her heart stopped' but held back. "Passed out, she called for you. She knew she was dy...

"Don't you dare say it Elliot," She cut him off, "Don't you dare, and don't even think it." She glared at him, furious.

Elliot agreed, he knew what she was thinking, the same thing he was, if they dared to even think it, it would be as if they were accepting Olivia's death. But, fuck! She had stopped breathing several times and her heart had stopped just as many, she had fucking died! He wanted to tell her but with Liv in critical care it was his responsibility to take care of Alex Cabot's well being and security. After all this is what you did for family and Alex was Olivia's family.

"I want to go in and see her, would that be possible?" Alex wasn't sure how she was maintaining her composure; the Alex Cabot that had been broken and terrorized during her attempted murder did not exist, here, she was Alexandra Cabot, the fierce and calculating ex ADA.

"Yes, she..." he hesitated, "you and I are the only next of kin in case of emergencies, "actually Alex," he massaged his neck, "she had a general and medical power of attorney drawn up in case of emergencies to give you the decision making authority. It would have been invalid only if you were unable to be here or had died and would revert to me. She..." he cut off, she had never given up hope of seeing her again and developing what could have been.

"Right." Alex acknowledged and took a deep breath, not quite knowing if she should cry or feel proud at Olivia's arrangements. "Take me to see her." She pleaded softly.

Elliot took her to the nurses' station and explained who she was. They looked at her and proceeded to give her a sterilized gown and mask. They led her to a sterile room where everything was hermetically sealed to help prevent infection to those whose bodies were too weak to fight off infection. Before she went in they warned her about all the tubes and wires hooked up to Olivia's body in order to keep her alive. One of her lungs had been punctured, she'd been hit by four bullets, and two in the chest and aside from the perforated lung, one of the bullets had fragmented a rib which had caused the internal bleeding. The other had been a through and through that had fortunately missed any vital organs by millimeters; it was a miracle she was still alive.

Alex listened unafraid to what the nurses explained, in reality it must have been the doctor in charge of Olivia's care who should be explaining it all to her, but since he had already done so to Elliot, the nurses were nice enough to bring her up to date and taking into consideration that she had just arrived from a long and tiring trip. The only thing that could give her true emotions away now at hearing Olivia's condition was the rapid acceleration on the pulse point at her neck that would jump at each beat of her heart. Once the explanations were over, she thanked them and prepared herself mentally for what she would see, that is, if there were any way to prepare oneself to see a loved one in a hospital bed in the ICU hanging by a thread.

The attorney paused at the door, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them and stepped into the sterile room. Alex gasped in pain when she saw Olivia's body prostate on the bed, connected to several machines, the beeps almost deafening in the sterile environment. Olivia's prostrated body looked fragile and small despite her 5'7" frame, she was pale and thin and her beautiful olive skin was gray. Alex moved slowly closer, trying to take in what she saw. Her heart was breaking seeing her like this. Without being able to prevent it a sob escaped from between her lips as tears that she could no longer hold back since finding out about the detective began to pour down her cheeks.

Being careful not to touch anything she leaned over her and kissed her forehead tenderly, wishing she could kiss her lips, but the tubes in her mouth made that impossible, she leaned over her and began to speak into her ear.

"Liv, my Liv, I'm right here love, just for you. Don't you dare leave me Olivia, not anything or anyone can make me leave your side ever again. I love you Liv, don't leave me, I wouldn't know what would happen to me if I lost you. I don't know how to live without you Liv, my life without you is gray and without meaning. I can't do it anymore Olivia, I love you, I need you, please don't leave me. Please, sweetheart, please." Her voice broke; she tried to control her desperate sobs that tried to take over her.

They only allowed her to be there for ten minutes, Alex never stopped whispering sweet and comforting words into Olivia's ear in the short time that she had by her side. Words of love and comfort, words full of hope and faith. Over and over again she told Olivia she loved her.

"I have to leave for just a bit love, I won't go far, I'll be right outside waiting for my next visit, fight my love, fight. I'll be waiting for you, please sweetheart, come back to me. I love you." She continued to whisper as Alex slowly walked towards the door backwards, without taking her eyes off of Olivia's unresponsive body. Once outside Alex hugged Elliot who was waiting for her outside. She had managed to hold herself in front of Olivia who at that moment needed her strength and courage not her fear.

"Now that you're here she has a reason to live Alex, I know she'll get better now. The nurses have told me that her heartbeat has elevated since you came in, she knows you're here." Elliot confided in her with a crooked smile trying to sound optimistic.

"Oh Elliot I'm so scared." She said in a shaky voice unable to no longer hide the terror she was feeling at what had happened and at the very idea of losing Olivia.

"I know Alex, I know." He comforted her while he looked through the window at Liv. Damn it Benson, you better not dare die, she wouldn't be able to take it. He sighed, but who was he fooling, Olivia had lost the will to live when she thought that Cabot was dead, and after finding out that wasn't the case, the detective had regained the will to live. But the truth was that without the attorney in her life, Olivia just barely survived, waiting for the day that she would see her again. Never, not for a moment had she lost that hope. She had always known in her heart that Alex would return to her.

After a few more moments, Alex managed to control herself a bit and she sat down on one of the chairs in the ICU's waiting room and Elliot sat next to her.

"Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Coffee?" He offered courteously, they hadn't spoken much except to talk about Olivia.

"Oh," Alex lifted her head as if none of that had occurred to her. "Yes I need to contact my mother, she doesn't know I'm here, she..." She stopped, for God's sake; she didn't even know what had happened to her mother! Damn it! "She doesn't know I'm alive, but" she hesitated; it would be putting her mother in danger, if someone was watching... I need her. "Can you or Munch go, she would never forgive me if she found out I was in NY, what could I say," She laughed nervously, "she would never forgive me that I was alive and she didn't know but Hammond refused to tell her."

"Alex," Elliot said in understanding, "your mother adores you, she was totally devastated at your funeral, you are her only daughter, of course it will be a shock to learn the truth, but don't believe for a moment that she won't be happy to find out that you are alive. Don't underestimate the love of a mother for her daughter, don't do that to yourself."

"I..." how do you explain to someone that even though he's best friends with the woman she loves, and that knew of the relationship almost from the start, but that was never totally convinced of her role in Olivia's life and to whom you were always civil, friendly even, but who you always treated distantly, without realizing how vital the relationship between them was, how this feels; if the only person who knew who she was in reality was laying just a few feet away from her on the bridge between life and death.

"It's hard El, I've had two years pretending I was someone else, afraid of my own shadow, and that's just not who I am. I hate what he did to me, I hate that because of him she's here..." she clinched her hands in her lap and lowered her eyes, she closed her eyes and clinched her jaw trying to gain some control. She knew if she lost it, lost the iron grip on her emotions she would become a sobbing shaking mass of hysterics and she couldn't afford that. She needed to be strong; she needed to remember that at one time she had been the Ice Queen Alex Cabot.

"Don't worry about it Alex, Hammond left you high and dry the moment he left you here, you know that's not how he wanted it though but...

"I suspected, but it doesn't matter, I don't intend to leave the hospital without Olivia." She cut him off in understanding.

"I know Alex. There will be a couple of uniformed officers watching from the ICU entrance and we are all taking shifts to protect you and Liv."

"Please, I need for my mother to know that I am here, it's probably not the best thing but I need it."

"Don't worry about it; I'll take care of it personally. What will happen to your things in Wisconsin?" If Alex was surprised that he knew where she had been she didn't say anything. Perhaps Hammond had mentioned it to him on the trip from Wisconsin to NY, but she didn't remember any of it.

"Agent Hammond told me that for the moment things would stay as they were, he'll give me a month to return or go get them. He told me that the net on Velez is getting closer. Perhaps that has him too busy to think about me. After all, he murdered Zapata and he was the prime witness and I was only the ADA that tried to make Zapata pay for his crimes not discover his dirty dealings. That was the DEA problems not mine." Alex recovered her composure a bit when she thought about the hateful man that was responsible for all her problems. After all, anger could be a good emotion to have when it was needed.

"It's true, it wouldn't make any sense for him to try to kill you now, after all you didn't have anything against Velez but Zapata. Except for the rape and murder charges on Zapata, he would have never known about you. If he should try it would be too obvious because everyone knows that he has a price on your head. If not for the drugs, it would be because of that murder attempt that he would be accused irrefutably.

"You, I and the DEA know that, but sometimes they don't think clearly, don't you think?" She said resentfully.

If she really thought about it, it had been pretty stupid on Velez's part to put a price on her head just to protect Zapata. It was that error that had caused Zapata's fall and he had had to kill him. That had only cost Velez more than trying to kill an ADA who had nothing to do with him. She hadn't even been from narcotics or even DEA. It would have made more sense if he had eliminated Zapata from the start; after all, he was the one that could expose him. With Zapata eliminated, Alex didn't have anyone to prosecute. Besides the Manhattan DA office had dropped the charges for rape and murder against Zapata. Others would take care of him. Not an ADA from SVU. Nothing had made any sense, except to cost Alexandra Cabot two years of her life, her self confidence and to threaten to take away her happiness and her soul mate.



Chapter 6 Ties that bind



I feel so at peace in this place. How could I forget what it was like here, to close my eyes and remember...

Olivia looked at her watch before knocking on the door, it was just after 7:00 p.m. and for a moment she hesitated. She didn't understand why she felt so nervous. For God's sake it was only a couple of days ago they had been snuggling on the sofa in her apartment and confessing how attracted they had been to each other. For her it had been a complete surprise that Alex had felt the same way. However, despite the fact that they had talked at length about their attraction and what they wanted; the secrets that she had in regards to herself and her origins caused her doubt. Secrets that Alex knew nothing about and that Olivia was not sure she could confess to her. Who was she after all? Just a simple detective and Alex, well she was a Cabot!

She breathed deeply and raised her hand to knock just as the door opened forcefully and she found herself with the reason for all her doubts.



"Liv!" Alex gasped, surprised to see the detective at her door.



"Good evening Counselor." Olivia said a bit embarrassed. "Are you going out?"



"Yes, I was going..." Suddenly she looked a little nervous, "I called the precinct and they told me you had just left. I was about to send you a text message to see if I could catch you."



"Well here I am did you need me for something?" She asked lowering the tone of her voice to nearly a whisper which caused Alex to shiver.



"Always." Alex responded looking right into her eyes, communicating with her eyes what Olivia needed to see to placate any doubts. God, you're beautiful, Alex thought.



"I'm glad." She smiled crookedly, that patent smile that always left the attorney breathless. "Would you like to go get something to drink?"



"I have a better idea, are you hungry?" Alex smiled and turned to lock the door.



"I'm famished, what do you suggest?" She was tempted to take the briefcase but she hesitated, it wouldn't be intelligent to act with chivalry and not raise suspicion. They had agreed that the best thing was to act normally since they worked together. And given the sensitivity of the cases they worked on there would be no lack of defense attorney's that would use that against them as a conflict of interest.



"My apartment, we can call in Thai." She looked at her from the corner of her eye.



"Great, let's go." She accepted happily.



******



The doorman knew Olivia, it had been at least a couple of weeks that she had visited Alex in her apartment regularly, so he didn't stop her when she passed by and said "Good Evening," despite the fact it was well past 12 a.m. He didn't question the reason for her late night visit. Olivia rang the elevator and in two minutes was at Alex's door. She ruffled her hair nervously. What was she doing? It's late she though. She was about to turn away when her cell vibrated startling her.



She hadn't answered it all afternoon, after speaking with Huang, she let Cragen know that she would be taking the rest of the afternoon off. The Captain did not object because he knew how difficult the Guan case had been for her. So after speaking with him she decided to take a walk and wander around torturing herself with 'what if's.' If her mother hadn't borne her would her life be any different? If her father had been a rapist could that mean she could be too? If I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and a rapist what can I expect for the children I'm not sure I'll have.



This and a thousand other questions flooded her mind, questions without answers but that either way tormented her. She refused to answer her cell, the times she had looked at the caller ID and she saw it was Alex she would close her eyes in pain. Could it be possible that her genes could be a danger to the beautiful attorney? Elliot knew her to well to try to call her after she had made it very clear she did not want to talk about it. She knew he would try later but for now he left her be.



She checked the caller ID, Alex, without answering she waited for it to stop vibrating and knocked at the door. Alex was awake, she must be really worried, she didn't know what was going on, but she must suspect that something was wrong not only because she had not showed up for their lunch date at her office, but also because she wasn't answering her cell. And if she knew the attorney, she had probably called her at home and maybe even stopped by the apartment looking for her.



"Olivia!" Alex exclaimed when she opened the door. "Where have you been? Why haven't you answered your cell? Damn it Olivia!!!" she snapped. Alex's eyes were full of anger and relief at the same time if that were possible.



"Forgive me Alex, I...needed to think." She said against her neck as she hugged her. "This case has been very difficult for me. It touched on an open wound Alex, forgive me for scaring you."



"Do you have any idea how it felt not hearing from you, you wouldn't answer your phone, no one knew anything. Cragen told me you had taken off for the afternoon, but when I went looking for you at your apartment thinking you might be ill and I didn't find you...I waited for two hours Liv! I thought..." her voice caught in her throat at the very thought.





"No Alex, no, it was my fault, I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything that happened. Don't think like that sweetheart. Never... don't!" She pressed herself against Alex in search of warmth for her aching soul.



"I don't understand Liv." She looked at her questioningly. "I know it was a difficult case, all the cases we face day to day are."



Olivia sighed and took her hand. They were still standing at the door. Anyone could have heard them.



"Come," she closed the door and led Alex by the hand to the sofa.



Olivia waited for Alex to sit and began to pace back and forth searching for the right words.





"I...this case Alex was very hard for me." She looked up blowing out a breath of air; there was no way to say it without feeling some pain. "My mother was raped in 1967, they never found the perp." She blurted out.



Alex stared at her and her agile attorney's mind did a quick calculation, Oh, God...Olivia was born in...



"I'm a result of that rape Alex. Do you understand? I'm like Darrell Guan, my father rapped my mother just like Starnes did to Darrel's mother."



"Olivia Benson, you listen to me." Alex jumped, "You are not like Guan, don't even dare think it, for God's sake Liv, you are the sweetest and strongest woman that I've ever known. You have dedicated you life to protect victims Liv, how can you believe something so stupid?



"But, How I know that it is?" Olivia almost yelled anguished. "How? I'm violent and I can lose my head easily! How can I say I'm not some psycho on the making and that I might not explode one day and hurt someone innocent in my blind fury. I have damaged genes!"





"Liv are you listening to what you are saying?" Alex incredulously exclaimed. "Olivia you are not and you will never be like your father damn it! You shouldn't even call him father, it was just a simple sperm donor and that's it." She added. "You are an incredible woman Olivia Benson. It's true that genetics account for something but we can also be grateful to your father that you are here. You are a marvelous gentle soul and full of courage. Liv you are not and will never be like the man that caused your conception".



"But if I wasn't here my mother would be alive and perhaps she would never have drowned her problems in alcohol which finally killed her. Don't you see Alex, I'm..." her voice broke in defeat.



"You are a woman full of love and compassion, you are the woman I love Olivia Benson." She interrupted gently; Olivia sometimes needed to be told things in a straight forward and cold manner, but then at other times when she was feeling vulnerable and full of pain the best way to treat her was with kindness. Alex now understood the reason for this; despite the fact that Olivia was a good detective she had in certain situations a low opinion of herself because of her origins.



"You love me?" She said like a small child and looking incredibly surprised.



"Yes Liv, I love you." She smiled letting all that she felt for the detective show on her face.



"Good, because I love you too Alex, with all my broken down heart." She hugged her letting out a sigh of happiness. It wasn't exactly the way Olivia would have liked to confess that she was hopelessly in love with her, but what the hell.



"Don't say that love, there isn't anything broken down about you, maybe a little dented but not broken down, you are an incredible woman Liv. Don't let anyone tell you different." Not even you Alex thought.



***

Contrary to Olivia's normally tough and cynical attitude and despite the fact that she exuded a great deal of sensuality, she in reality had never felt anything for anyone as she felt for Alex Cabot. No one had ever been able to capture her heart like the attorney had done only with a look.



And no one would have ever imagined that Detective Olivia Benson would want to court Alex Cabot in the old fashion way even though they had already confessed their love to one other. Olivia had decided to do things the proper way and without rushing things. Olivia loved Alex and Alex loved her but that was no reason to give in to her basic instincts. Oh, she was dying to make love to Alex but when their busy schedules allowed them to spend anytime together Olivia would not allow things to go any further than kisses and petting much to the ADA's frustration. Alex and obviously Olivia had spent too many nights that had ended in cold showers in their own apartments.



Olivia wanted to court her girlfriend, she wanted with all her heart to conquest Alex with all the Little details, romantic evenings, rides in the park...She wanted to show the young attorney that she was worth her love and that she treasured every minute at her side. So Olivia began a campaign to romance her.



On occasion Alex would get to her office to find a rose waiting for her on her desk with a little note tied to the stem. Olivia never ever signed them but Alex didn't need to see the signature to know it was from Liv. For the attorney, a single rose meant more to her than a dozen of the most expensive floral arrangements. At moments like these Alex would feel her heart bursting with happiness. Olivia tended to do those little things that just swept her off her feet.



There were some days that were especially difficult, full of court cases that didn't allow time to go eat or take a break, and it would seem that Olivia had an especial radar for those days. Sometimes she was the one that would bring lunch and she would stay with her to eat it. It wasn't always easy due to the sensitive nature of their relationship; however, the detective never lost an opportunity to let the attorney know that she was in her thoughts.



It wasn't only the roses and the lunches, but sometimes she would also leave her candy or even poems in her office. On other occasions when Olivia had a case that would keep her awake all night she would appear at her door at six or seven in the morning with a coffee and a smile before heading home to change or rest a few hours if the case permitted, but not without first giving her a good morning kiss and leaving with a crooked smile that inevitably would leave the attorney breathless and would cause her to fall in love with the detective a little bit more each day. Olivia Benson was determined to conquest Alex over and over again, because having to learn to live without her was not what the detective was willing to live with again.



So it wasn't surprising that a month after having confessed her attraction and love for the attorney they still had not consumed the relationship physically. Perhaps the pessimist in Olivia, a part that was difficult to let go made her doubt, perhaps she thought that if Alex had time to get to know her well she would then decide that it wouldn't be worth it in the end. And with the crazy work hours and her passion for her profession Alex would get tired and would leave her with a broken heart and a life of loneliness and sadness. Or perhaps it was Olivia that wanted to have the relationship grow on a stable basis and not be clouded in the lust of a new love. The detective wanted to have everything with Alex, her present and her future.





The big day finally arrived. Olivia prepared everything meticulously for almost a week she had worked extra hours, covering shifts for Munch, Fin & Stabler so she could make sure that she would have a whole weekend free. She asked for Friday off so she could prepare everything for the weekend and made sure that Alex had the weekend off. Olivia was planning to show Alex how much she loved her in the most romantic way.



"Cabot." She answered tersely with a bit of impatience.



"If you don't want to answer the phone anymore Alex why did you?" Olivia asked playfully.



"Hey," her voice gentled immediately once she heard her girlfriend's voice. "I suppose it's just habit, I was just packing up my briefcase."



"Alex, you promised me that you wouldn't work this weekend, remember?" she reminded her.



"Yes, I know but I need to take the court documents that will be starting on Monday so I can read them Sunday night."



Olivia was going to protest but held back, she doubted Alex wanted to or had the energy to read the file Sunday night, but... "Hmm, are you on your way out? I'm waiting for you." She lowered her voice to a sensual whisper that made Alex shiver and close her eyes in pure reflex.



"Yes." Suddenly her mouth was dry. Olivia had refused to say anything to her regarding the plans for the weekend. Nothing else mattered even if this meant she would spend the entire weekend locked away in the apartment with the delicious detective. "I'm on my way."



"Hurry up counselor, I'm waiting for you." She said hanging up.



Alex sighed deeply before setting the handset back down, she looked around to make sure that everything was in order and once again checked her briefcase "Oh, what the hell!" She closed her briefcase, turned off the lights and locked the door. Alex had asked her friend Serena Southerlyn that in case it was necessary if she would cover for her. Serena only accepted after Alex promised to pay her back someday no matter what.



With hurried footsteps she left One Hogan Plaza and next thing was in a taxi on her way to her apartment, impatiently imagining what Liv could have planned for the weekend. She couldn't deny that the sexual tension between them had reached the breaking point. Alex was dying to make love to the woman she loved, all her being clamored for her, and nothing would make her happier than to finally consume their love in the most delicious way possible.



She was opening the door to her apartment when a pair of arms surrounded her from behind and a silky voice whispered in her ear. "That was fast counselor."



"Liv." She let the name escape with a slight gasp. "I thought you were waiting inside for me."



"Nope I was behind you." She gave her neck a soft kiss as she felt the attorney shiver. "Let's go inside you have to get ready or we'll be late."



"Get ready?" She asked a bit distracted, Olivia's slips on her neck were making it impossible to concentrate on anything that wasn't the sensations that the detective were causing.



"Yes, get ready, you and I have a date. Alone without ringing phones, without cases to attend to, we will forget the world Alex and it will only be two women in love." She promised.



Alex turned to capture the detectives lips in a hungry kiss that only caused the fires that had already been burning inside to ignite further. Olivia felt her body give into the assault, pressing Alex against her. When the attorney moaned against her and she pressed her thigh between Olivia's, she found herself fighting for control and ending the kiss against Alex's protests. "God, Alex." She leaned her forehead against the attorney's. "Come on or we'll be late."



Alex pulled away and nodded without a word, her eyes darkened with passion, Olivia just about ready to carry her to the bedroom. "Alex, please." She begged.



The attorney took a deep breath and made her way to her bedroom still feeling her breath catch and her legs shaky. She would have to shower before leaving, she could feel the desire that Olivia's single kiss had left damply on her underwear.



Olivia closed the door to the apartment and threw herself on the couch, she knew that if she followed Alex to her bedroom she wouldn't be able to control herself. "For God's sake, what you do to me Alex!" Olivia thought to herself still shaking from the kiss.



Finally after 20 minutes, Alex appeared in the hallway, her hair was damp from the quick shower. "Liv you haven't told me where we are going, I need to know so I can pick out what to wear."



"Oh." She raised her eyes and was left paralyzed. In front of her was Alex wrapped in a bathrobe. Alex's creamy skin was clearly visible and for a moment she forgot to breath. "Well..." She cleared her throat; the butterflies were having baby butterflies "Formal," her voice raspy. "Elegant."



"Ok, I'll be out in a minute." Alex smiled delighted at the detective's reaction to her presence. Olivia's welcome when she got to her apartment had distracted her from noticing how Olivia was dressed. If it hadn't been for the nervousness she felt at the moment perhaps she would have noticed the elegant suit that the detective had on. Her athletic body clothed in a well tailored black pin striped suit, with a red silk shirt and well polished black shoes.



Olivia stood and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Her mouth was totally dry. These would be the longest three hours of her life!



***



When Alex finally left her bedroom, Olivia's heart skipped a beat. Alex looked absolutely beautiful. She was wearing a strapless knee length dress in red satin with black accents around the waist. The dress hugged all her curves in just the right places. Her slender feet were in black sequined pumps accenting her well-toned legs. Her hair was pulled back away from her face highlighting her cheekbones and beautiful blue eyes. In her hand she held a soft black wrap and a black sequined clutch to match her shoes. Olivia forgot to breathe for a moment as she gazed upon the beauty before her. The attorney finally noticed Olivia's look since she had also been busy admiring the handsome woman in front of her and finally became aware that both of them could barely contain their desire. Olivia was the first to react, closing the space between them. The detective put her hands on her hips and drew her close.



"You look beautiful; I'll be everyone's envy." Olivia said with a radiant smile. Oh yeah, this woman was hers.



"On the contrary Liv, you haven't looked in the mirror." Alex responded in a sultry voice. She caressed the lapels of Olivia's jacket and leaned in for a soft kiss.



"Let's go." Olivia said pulling away, she took her hand and they left the apartment.



Both were silent on the elevator ride, just content to be together. Both conscious what would be taking place that night; both savoring each moment, that night would be memorable and neither one of them wanted to forget the slightest detail.



There was a taxi already waiting for them outside the building. Olivia had asked the porter to have one waiting within the hour. The detective opened the door for Alex before getting in next to her. She gave the driver the address and immediately took the attorneys hand, caressing it with her thumb.



"The docks?" Alex asked intrigued.



"It's a surprise." Olivia smiled mysteriously.



"Oh." She didn't know what else to say; frankly everything seemed like a dream. All day long Alex had been unable to think of anything else besides the detective. She found out from Elliot that she had asked for the day off. Obviously Stabler didn't know the reason why and didn't suspect the ADA had any special interest in knowing the reason, but seeing that the detective did not elaborate she didn't ask.



Soon they were at Riverside Park docks. Olivia paid the driver and without letting Alex's hand go she headed toward the boat dock that they had told her to go to when she had made the reservations. Alex was now more intrigued than ever. Had Olivia rented a boat for their exclusive use? Before she could continue trying to imagine any more scenarios they were in front of the boat. The sign over the dock read Castle on the Hudson.



"Oh Liv!" She exclaimed in delight when she recognized the name. She had never been there before, but not for lack of invitations. The truth was that she had never had the inclination to go there with anyone.



"I think the surprise is now ruined." Olivia said shyly, smiling at Alex.



"Of course not Liv, this only makes it more special." Alex grinned



Once on board, they were escorted to the forward deck where they were offered a glass of wine and then they were left alone. This definitely wasn't your typical water taxi or ferry. Olivia put her arms around Alex leaning her head on her shoulder, she sighed taking in Alex's distinctive smell, which caused her body to shiver.



"I love you." Alex whispered. "I never thought I'd ever feel this way."



Olivia chuckled softly. "I love you too, and I've never felt this way either counselor, but to see you and love you were one in the same. Of course at that time I wasn't very pleased about it.



"Really?" She said ironically. "You weren't the only one, you have no idea of all the arguments I had with myself trying to see reason. I would tell myself I was crazy for letting myself be affected by you like that. But you know what?" she turned slightly to look into Olivia's eyes.



"Hmm?" Alex's lips were way to close to resist the temptation. She captured the attorney's mouth in a slow sensual kiss. Alex turned and wrapped her arms around her neck drawing her closer. Olivia caressed her lower lip with her tongue teasingly until Alex let her in, moaning when their tongues met in an erotic dance. When they finally separated both were smiling.



"Insanity suits me well, "Alex continued as if she had never stopped. "It suits us well." She added.



Olivia tossed her head back in elated laughter. "Indeed."



The rest of the journey to the place where they would be having dinner passed in a haze for both of them. Olivia held Alex the whole route, whispering words of love and exchanging soft kisses, which sometimes threatened to get out of control. Olivia was convinced that she was the happiest woman in the world. Alex on her part couldn't believe that Liv was at her side. Sometimes it was hard for her to believe that she was given the opportunity to love her as if destiny had planned it.



The boat reached the dock after about 45 minutes. Alex looked up admiring the small castle. It was a breathtaking view from the river as they neared the dock.



"It's beautiful." Alex enthused as they stopped and docked.



"Yes it is, come." Once again Olivia took her hand. She had come by earlier that morning when she had made the reservations for the evening, so she knew the way to the restaurant Equus in the interior of the castle.



When they arrived at the entrance the hostess met them with a welcome smile.



"Reservation for two, Benson."



The hostess nodded checking the list. "Yes, here we are, reservation for 8:30, we'll have your table ready in a moment. Would you like to wait at the bar?"



Olivia nodded and both were lead to the bar, however, since they only had eyes for each other, they took no notice of the interior, with its dark wood paneling, plush leather seating, chimney and elegant candelabras that made the place nice and comfortable. Here you could relax as you waited for your table. They sat at the bar, where the bartender politely asked what they would like to drink.



"Did you want something to drink Alex?" Olivia asked attentively.



"A dry Martini, please." She asked without taking her eyes off of Olivia.



"A dry martini and a gin and tonic please." The detective ordered. The bartender returned shortly with their drink orders.



As they sipped from their drinks, they both stared at each other over the rims of the glasses. "If you don't stop looking at me like that I'll forget all about dinner." Olivia warned with a smile.



"And that would be a problem how?" Alex asked playfully.



"Not a problem Alex, don't misunderstand me, but I want this to be special." She looked into her eyes expressing all her desire in that one look. Alex held her breath at what she saw reflected from the detective's eyes.



"Liv I want you to know that if we were in your apartment or mine just eating pizza it would still be a very special night for me, because I would be with you. I'm here with you, together Liv, which is the only thing that is important." She said with a warm but serious voice.



Olivia felt her eyes grow moist, boy! What a mushball I've become! Nobody would recognize this Olivia Benson from the usual hard and cynical detective she thought to herself.



"I love you Alex Cabot." She whispered she would have kissed her at that moment if she had been able to.



"I love you, Olivia Benson, don't ever doubt it." Alex pleaded.



"Never" Liv promised losing her self in the stunning blues eyes of the attorney.



It shouldn't be strange considering the type of work they did, the little time they had to spend together and the impossibility to even interact as a couple in public, that somehow unconsciously they had perfected a way to communicate without words and using simple gestures and brief eye contact.



In a world like theirs, guarding their hearts so jealously wasn't unusual; sometimes it was the only way to survive. Alex as well as Olivia had spent most of their lives camouflaging their feelings, pretending that they didn't exist or that they could live without them, hiding them, trying damn hard not to carry their emotions on their sleeves. Perhaps, after all, those were the reasons, that when they fell in love with each other - a love that they never thought could be part of their lives equation- it allowed them to be more open in the expression of their feelings for each other; confirming the veracity of its existence, that it wasn't just passing infatuation or a product of a powerful sexual attraction. It wasn't something they were expecting, it wasn't something they had dreamt they could achieve, but it was now real and they planned to hang on to it with everything they had.



Normally Olivia wasn't the type to say "I love you," and Alex was very reserved at expressing her feelings, apparently neither one of them had any problems expressing them in front of each other. Once the cat was out of the bag it was apparent it wouldn't be coming back anytime soon.



It was apparent to both that the need to reaffirm their sentiments was a behavior based on their own fear that perhaps what they were experiencing wouldn't endure. Perhaps both were waiting for the other shoe to fall. They weren't naïve, or a couple of adolescents with their first crush. They were a couple of adult women and they knew that the road to any relationship was not a bed of roses. They would both have to compromise. The fact that both of their jobs were so demanding and difficult also placed a lot of pressure on them, but despite all that, they wanted to and wished to have the means to work at this new relationship. And if that made them act a little goofy, well, it's not as if you found the love of your life everyday!



Fifteen minutes later the hostess approached to let them know their table was ready.



They were led to the interior of the restaurant, which consisted of three dining areas. Olivia had spared no expense and had asked for a table with a view of the castle gardens.

A waiter brought them water and handed them the menus and asked them if they wished to see the wine list. Olivia asked Alex to choose one due to Liv's limited knowledge of wines. She was more a beer kind of girl. Alex chose a nice Pinot Noir to start the evening. The meal consisted of an Appetizer of Crispy Four Brothers Farm Feta with Olives; the main course was Atlantic Skate Fish with Sautéed Spinach with Spicy Mussel Sauce for Alex and Heritage Steak with Ramps, Vidalia Onions and Root Vegetables with a Cabernet Sauvignon Sauce for Olivia.

The service had been excellent and if anyone had asked them how their meal was neither one would have been able to give them an answer. During dinner they spoke about themselves recounting anecdotes about their youth. Alex told her about her life at Harvard and Liv told her about the fun times during her time as a beat cop. They were so engrossed in each other that the waiter took them by surprise when he stopped by to ask them if they would like coffee and dessert.



"Will you share a dessert with me Liv?" Alex asked.



"I would love to" Alex ordered a shared Warm Flourless Chocolate Cake with walnut, Currant Marmalade.



Suddenly the nervousness that had dissipated during the meal returned with a vengeance. The detective smiled at Alex sheepishly who smiled echoing her sentiments and laid her hand over Liv's.



"Thank you for dinner Liv, it was delicious."



"Oh." Olivia didn't know how to respond. She couldn't even recall what she ate. "Yes, it was excellent."



"How did you decide on this place?" Alex asked trying to break the awkward moment.



"The internet," Olivia confessed. "I googled romantic rendezvous in NYC" she blushed.



"Seriously?" Alex laughed in amusement, she would never have imagined that Liv would do something like this, not that she wasn't romantic. She had shown her exactly how romantic she could be on practically a daily basis. But sometimes Liv surpassed her expectations.



"Yep, if you're in doubt just Google it!" She laughed at herself.



"You are a goof!" She lightly slapped Liv's hand.



"Just for you Alex, although if you let it get out at the precinct I'll outright deny it." She threatened playfully.



"Oh come on Liv, as if anyone would believe me," She tilted her head, "besides I don't want anyone else to know. This part of you is just mine."



The waiter arrived with their dessert and two forks preventing Olivia's response; although she wasn't sure she wanted to. A part of her was frightened that the attorney had so much power over her, a smile, a caress, a look and Olivia was ready to throw herself at her feet. She didn't even want to imagine what would become of her if for whatever reason she ever lost her. In only just a month Alex had captured her heart completely, it was also true that she had fallen in love with her almost at first sight. And although she tried to fight the feelings at the end the result was the same. Olivia Benson was hopelessly in love with the blonde attorney.



"Oh God," Alex moaned when she took the first taste of the dessert, "this is delicious!"



Olivia closed her eyes in pure reflex when she heard Alex moan in satisfaction. Wow, she thought, do you want to kill me Alex? The attorney's moan caused her body to quiver in response with promises to come later that evening.



"Try it Liv, its exquisite." Alex urged. She was completely conscious of the affect she was having on the detective. As an attorney Alex had quickly learned to read people's body language and since becoming a couple she could easily read Olivia's facial expressions. She herself could feel her own body temperature rising at reading Liv's reaction.



They soon finished off the dessert between the two of them. Once Olivia paid the bill she escorted Alex to the exit, thanking the hostess and asking her to thank the chef for a delicious meal.



"Would you like to take a walk in the gardens?" Liv asked once they were outside.



"I would love to, but isn't it a bit late? What time do we have to be back at the dock to return to the city?" Alex asked a bit worried. It wasn't necessarily the late hour that concerned her but they were in Tarrytown a good 45 minutes from the city and still another 15 to 30 to her apartment depending on the traffic.



"Don't worry about that Alex, we aren't going anywhere tonight. At least not back to Manhattan."



"Oh?" Alex looked at her in surprise.



"I reserved a room at the Castle, I hope..." she suddenly turned shy, lowering her eyes abruptly realizing that perhaps she may have assumed too much...a hand against her check made her look up to find Alex's eyes, those eyes she always lost herself in, and were now smiling in anticipation.



"Liv I love the idea that we'll be spending the night here, but I don't have anything to wear..."



"Oh, I took care of all that; I hope you don't mind that I packed a few things for you." She smiled as a blush rose on her checks.



"Not at all Liv, I'm touched."



The evening weather was made to order for their walk. Alex wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist as Olivia wrapped an arm around her shoulders drawing her in closer. They walked in silence enjoying the beautifully lit gardens. They were fully relaxed for the first time that night, knowing that no one or nothing would be interrupting their evening. No phones, no cases to attend just the two of them alone. They would stop amongst the small groves and kiss enjoying every moment they were together.



It was close to 11 when Alex and Liv arrived at the hotel's front desk to ask for their key. Since Olivia had been there that morning she had left their bags there and had left instructions on how she wanted the suite to look when they arrived.



Once they had their key card, Olivia led Alex by the hand to the elevator to their floor. They rode alone up to their floor. The elevator was an old elegant birdcage type but had been very well maintained and despite the fact that it rose slowly it was a surprisingly smooth ride.



Alex was feeling as if she were in some kind of dream. Olivia was showing her just how committed she was to making their relationship work. Not only had she spent a great deal of time planning this evening which was already special because they were together, but Olivia had spent the entire month wooing her. Liv was definitely a keeper and she was determined that it would be that way for a very, very long time.



Olivia smiled at her, her eyes shinning with happiness. "What are you thinking?" Liv asked. "Right now you look like you are a thousand miles away."



"In you," Alex responded immediately, "in how wonderful you are, how I have been so happy in the last month with you."



"Oh," she smiled sheepishly, "you make me happy Alex. Even now with all the craziness that surrounds us, the atrocities that confronts us daily. Just the simple fact that you are by my side keeps at bay the demons."



"Let's not talk about that" she drew near, hiding her face in Olivia's neck. "Tonight we will forget about everything else but us."



"Everything" Liv promised in a whisper, holding her closer.



The elevator opened and both stepped out; Liv looked down both sides of the hallway to get her bearings before heading to the right. Alex was pressed up against her, the tension of what was to take place that night had slowly been building by the hour and they were finally just a few feet away from what both of them knew would be a crucial point in their relationship. They both knew that the moment their bodies joined for the first time in that universal primal dance, this time there would be no turning back. This night would not be one of senseless sex, this night they would consummate their love for each other.



Olivia stopped at the entrance to their room and before opening the door she asked Alex to close her eyes. The attorney looked at her suspiciously but complied. Liv took her hand and made sure she had her eyes closed and proceeded to open the door, leading Alex in. Liv looked at the interior of the room and smiled happily. The staff had arranged the candles and had lit them just before check in at 11 p.m. just as she had requested.



"You can open them now." She whispered into Alex's ear, as her breath caressed her neck.



Alex opened her eyes slowly and before her she saw a room lit only by a dozen or so candles, rose's petals strewn on the bed and the fireplace in the corner of the room burning warmly.



"Oh Liv, this is beautiful." Se stopped a moment to admire the room. "No one has ever done something like this for me..." The attorney couldn't find the words to express what she was feeling at that moment.



"Oh, Alex Cabot speechless? That must be one for the record book!"



"Hahaha," she laughed lightly, "you Liv leave me speechless."



"Love you." Liv murmured kissing her neck and pulling her in closer, she continued the soft kisses on her neck and nipped at her earlobe causing Alex to shiver in delight.



"Oh Liv, please," Alex sighed trying to turn in Olivia's arms, but she held her firmly against her.



"Please what counselor?" Liv asked against her neck.



"Make love to me."



"It would be my pleasure Alex," Liv released her and turned her around, they looked into each others eyes for what seemed and eternity for both, but in reality was only seconds. Without a single word their mouths crushed against each other searching hungrily. Liv's mouth was demanding, her tongue invading Alex's mouth in sensual abandon. Alex could hear moans of pleasure but could not tell whom they were coming from, her hands entwined themselves in Liv's hair caressing it and drawing her closer if that were possible. Hands caressed her back searching for the zipper to her dress. Within seconds it was at Alex's feet leaving her in only her under garments.



"Red lingerie," Liv sighed, "God Alex, you're gorgeous." Olivia exclaimed in a reverent whisper when they finally pulled apart; the blonde said nothing, her breathing coming in short gasps, her chest rising and falling is hypnotizing Olivia. With a groan she again possessed Alex's mouth, caressing her back and hips.



Alex in her heated state began to fight with Liv's cloths. "Take it off Liv; I want to touch you, all of you!" She demanded.



Liv stepped back and smiled mischievously at her, she removed her jacket tossing onto a chair. Slowly she began to unbutton her blouse. Alex's nostrils flared at the sight as she watched Liv slowly undress for her; She removed each piece of clothing exposing another delicious piece of flesh' She was mesmerized by the way the detective undid her pants and let them drop in a soft rustle of cloth leaving Olivia in nothing but black lingerie.



"Victoria's Secret." Alex raised a brow, she would never have imagined. "Beautiful!" Her heart beat at a thousand beat a minute she felt she was about to combust.



"Did you think I was a boxer and sport bra kind of gal?" Liv teased. "You shouldn't assume Alex."



"Oh" The attorney forgot what she was about to say, the vision of the semi-nude body in front of her dressed in matching black silk bra and panties was driving her wild. "No...I thought..." she lost her voice; Alex only wanted one thing at that moment and it was Olivia's mouth on hers, her hands, her tongue, everything.



Liv smiled tenderly at her and took her face in her hands. "Just in case I haven't told you already I love you Alex Cabot." Olivia proceeded to kiss her lips, her eyes, as she walked her backwards towards the bed. Alex only managed to move her legs by sheer will until she felt the bed against the back of her thighs.



"Liv" She let a sigh escape, her eyes glazed over with desire.



"I'm going to make love to you Alex, slowly, I am not leaving a single piece of skin untouched, untasted, I want to love you and make you forget anyone else before me. You are mine Alex."



"Yours," Alex agreed. She felt Olivia lay her down on the bed, covering her with her body, their hearts beating wildly, their skin over sensitized, each caress sending electric jolts to their cores. Alex could feel her desire painted against her thighs, begging for the detective to take her.



Alex lay on the bed nude, at some point Olivia had removed the barriers that blocked her hungry sight. Liv devoured her with her eyes. She gazed down on Alex's soft white skin, her eyes roaming over her body from head to toe, eager to taste her flesh. Olivia desperately removed the remaining clothes without once removing her eyes from Alex. When Olivia's naked skin met Alex's for the first time without the barrier of any clothes both moaned out in erotic pleasure.



"Look at me Alex, see me loving you." Olivia asked in a silky voice.



Alex opened her eyes; eyes clouded with an erotic haze stared down at her. Olivia slowly descended atop her body, a strong thigh insinuating itself between two well toned thighs. Olivia groaned at the contact with Alex's evident desire. Olivia buried her face against Alex's neck, kissing and tasting the soft flesh.



"Liv, Liv," Alex kept repeating between moans of pleasure. Liv's mouth was driving her crazy, just as she had promised there was not a single piece of skin that the detective did not touch, kiss or lick in a slow torturous manner. "Please Liv, please."



"I am loving you Alex." Liv whispered capturing a swollen nipple in her mouth, licking and nibbling at it while with an index finger and thumb worked on its twin; Alex arched in pleasure, "Oh God Liv, please! Take me now!"



"Soon, very soon." Olivia promised, descending slowly down Alex's abdomen, kissing, licking and caressing her way down. 'Oh this is so delicious' Olivia thought lost in a sea of sensations that was driving Alex crazy. She could feel Alex reaching the point of no return as Alex moaned under her



Their bodies were bathed in the flickering light of the candles that had been strategically placed. The soft popping and crackling of the fire was accompanied by the sounds of two sweaty bodies working against each other, rocking to an ancient rhythm. Alex arched against Olivia, screaming out Olivia's name when the orgasm exploded in her interior. Olivia continued to move inside her, loving her, owning her. She let Alex's name escape in a groan, her body tense, moaning and calling out to Alex as her own body was taken by an intense orgasm. "Alex...Alex..."



The candles had been consumed hours ago; the wood in the chimney almost burned out, and the light of the moon peeked through the curtains as Alex lay cradled against Olivia. She had one leg over Olivia and an arm around her waist and her face buried in Liv's neck, completely relaxed.



"I love you" murmured Alex sleepily against a shoulder.



"I love you too." Olivia responded squeezing Alex against her, her hand lazily caressing her back slowly rocking her to sleep.



Olivia didn't remember ever having felt as happy in her entire life as she did at that moment with the young attorney resting in her arms with their still damp bodies from their recent love making. She not only felt thoroughly satisfied, but for once in her life she felt complete. For the first time in her life Olivia Benson felt that she deserved to be happy and all because of the marvelous and beautiful woman in her arms.



With a profound sigh of satisfaction Olivia closed her eyes...







Chapter 7 Ripples



There are moments in life that mark you, no matter if it's good or bad; there are moments that take only a second that will make a difference as to whether you'll be happy or bitter. It is those instances in life that define you as a person, the ones that show you what you are really made of and you discover your strengths and weaknesses. There are those that even if they have nothing can overcome the most horrible adversities and there are those that crumble like a house of cards when confronted by the tiniest of obstacles.



Her story was one of those in which the instances in her life marked her on this day, you could say by accident since there is no way to pick who your parents will be. Life on this day had decided to place her with the Cabot family. From her crib, she had been destined to have a life of luxury and wealth with a silver spoon in her mouth, designer clothes, private schools, country club and a career full of successes. It was expected from the only daughter of Alexander Cabot III and Caroline Whitley.



Since she was a child, she had demonstrated obstinacy and persistence in achieving what she wanted. And one of the things she most desired had been to be taken seriously. At an early age, she had learned that being a Cabot opened many doors but because she was a blonde with blue eyes and heiress to a fortune also guaranteed that she wouldn't be considered very intelligent or capable of making smart decisions about her future. Everyone expected her to do the right and most convenient thing given the status of her life, everyone that is except, ironically, her parents, who contrary to what was expected they always estimated their daughter to do more than just rely on the family fortune.



That was definitely an advantage, the disadvantage lay in that no one else saw it that way, after all, she was a Cabot and Alexandra soon learned to pick the cards that life dealt her. She discovered that in order to survive in this world of elite social status she had to act a certain way for each individual scene. Sometimes the blonde heiress roll was the best way to get her way and others it was easier to pretend that she didn't have a trust fund, which sometimes made it easier for her to achieve her goals. It was how she managed to get to NYC, by accepting a job that for many was not appropriate for someone with her upbringing. Her parents were not very sure of her decision but they did not stand in her way.



The true reason for her decision was not a popular one, actually, she was the only one that knew it and the very reason she took the job. No one would ever imagine that while at Harvard Alex would have an epiphany that her apparent disinterest for the prospective males in her life were nothing more than her total lack of interest for the male gender and not the capacity to be able to stand the idea of being under a man's thumb. And it was this same self revelation that cemented her future decisions. An experience she would never forget, one that marked her forever and made her promise herself that she would never submit to that cross bearing pain. The loss was too profound and she did not think she would be able to live through it again.



With fortitude, she began working for the Manhattan District offices and with equal determination achieved her objective. Only a few people knew that when the Morris Commission had begun to evaluate the different areas of the NYPD at the same time feelers were put out as to who would be best suited for the primary SVU ADA position. She was able to subtly volunteer for the post, everyone believed the reason had always been political, that her aspirations were what dictated her steps, they were not far from the truth, but behind those ambitions was something else, something that only she knew and that was enough.





She did not expect to be welcomed with open arms, much less seen as an asset; she knew very well that the suspicions that were surfacing were because of her appointment by the brass, someone to watch the unit at the Manhattan 16th precinct and could obtain results that were satisfactory. Alexandra Cabot was more than ready to take the job, but nothing absolutely nothing could have prepared her for what she would find there. You should never, say never, she reminded herself the moment she stepped into the precinct.



She never expected to find herself with what she found there, to feel what she felt the moment she met her, and of course she never imagined she'd have such a contrary reaction to her. Her entire being rebelled, her mind barricaded itself against the assault to her senses. Alexandra Cabot had a reputation as the "Ice Queen" and for God's sake, she needed that reputation now. Because she never imagined that, those deep brown eyes could melt her defenses with a single look.





Moreover, it was the "Ice Queen" that everyone feared and respected, with coldness and ferocity she fought tooth and nail with the detectives but more so with Olivia so that the cases that they gave her were airtight. She would not permit her feelings to play a role in her decisions that in the justice system you could not afford to have. However, Alex was much like a moth to a flame and the more she tried to rationalize with her legal mind what she felt, it was impossible not to flutter in front of that hypnotic flame.





Perhaps it was respect for her as an officer of the court that led them to occasionally invite her to have a drink with the detectives after a hard fought case or a case that did not seem to have a favorable end. Perhaps it was the fact that they were the only two women in a world dominated primarily by men that she accepted Olivia's invitations to breakfast or lunch to discuss the cases on which they were always working on. Perhaps her curiosity at noticing Olivia's barely contained anger at seeing her with a date that brought her to the second epiphany of her life.





Those instances in a life that take you by surprise and that determine if you are capable of grasping your happiness or turn your back on it. It was during one of those unexpected instances that Alex Cabot discovered that it was not fear of holding back that left her feeling cold, but the fear of discovering that after all she was willing to give her everything. That for Liv she was capable of anything, that the fear that took over her soul was none other than the fear of what she most wanted and needed... Olivia.



Alex Cabot always knew what she wanted and always knew that for her she was capable of putting up the White flag. That laying her heart at Liv's feet was the only option because after all any other alternative was simply inadmissible. The same day that she woke up with the decision of laying her cards out on the table, on that very day, Alex felt her heart break into a million pieces when she saw Olivia's expression of betrayal and pain. At the very moment that her mouth opened to ask if she was drunk at just the moment that she thought she saw Eric Plummer. Seeing Olivia leave her office as if a thousand devils were pursuing her made her realize that perhaps and just perhaps she had destroyed the tenuous and fragile friendship that they had both forged.





When she found out from Captain Cragen what had happened with Plummer, Alex did not doubt for a moment her decision...the same way her legal mind had not thought twice about the question she had made to the detective when she had said she had seen Plummer following her- so as soon as it was possible she headed over to Olivia's apartment. Just as she was about to get out of her vehicle she noticed Elliot leaving the building looking very serious and thoughtful. She did not allow him to see her and when he was out of sight walking in the rain. Alex hurried into the building just as someone else was running in trying to get out of the rain.



Alex definitely didn't regret using her ADA ID badge to have the doorman open Olivia's apartment and she didn't regret for a second having used her influence and any bit of conscience that she had left to stop her from invading the detective's privacy, died when she saw her lying on the floor in a fetal position her body shaking in sobs. Her heart broke once again if that were possible, her heart cried with Olivia and without holding back or questioning whether it was the intelligent thing to do, she took her in her arms, knelling next to her and refusing to let her go when despite Olivia's shock state she refused to accept any consolation.



The attorney had learned to read her in the previous months she had spent observing her from afar and knew perfectly well that Olivia was without a doubt her own worst enemy and critic. She did not doubt for a moment that Olivia was questioning herself at that very moment and feeling just as much of a killer as the worst perpetrators. In addition, she knew well that if she allowed Olivia to hide away behind that wall of guilt she would not be able to tear it down. She refused to let her go and with an equally strong will she refused to leave her alone. And with equal courage she knew that if there was a perfect time to let Olivia know of her true feelings this was it.





When Olivia finally awoke the next day feeling a bit disoriented, Alex was cradling her. She heard Olivia murmur incoherently and when her eyes finally found Alex's she let them become the mirrors to her soul, without walls to protect her heart. Moreover, she knew now Olivia understood what her eyes where laying at her feet and the promises that they made. I am here to stay.



****



"Oh Liv." Alex whispered through the glass, putting her hand against it. "Forgive me. Forgive me." She murmured repeatedly as tears descended silently down her face.





Because Alexandra Cabot knew she had broken that promise.



Chapter 8 Collateral Damage



It was just past 10 at night, Elliot stopped the car outside the elegant building, then after turning it of sat there for a moment thinking, wondering if it what he was about to do was wise. He wasn't questioning what he was about to do, but whether it was the right time to do it. Normally a visit at this hour could only mean one thing, bad news, and at that moment, Elliot Stabler wasn't sure if what he needed to tell Caroline Cabot wouldn't be taken as such.



He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, he was still wound up and he doubted he would be able to settle down tonight. His partner's critical condition had his nerves fried and on edge. He hadn't wanted to leave the hospital, leaving Alex alone, even though she really wasn't. Finn was there as well as a few officers in civilian clothing. Capitan Cragen had made the hospital security aware of the delicate situation without revealing Alex Cabot presence in the facility; even so, he knew that against someone like Velez it might not be enough.





Finally, Elliot opened the car door and stepped out but not before putting up the plaque identifying the vehicle as police on the dashboard. He locked the car and with a firm step headed to the entrance of the building. A doorman wished him a good evening then opened the door. He headed to the reception desk and asked to be announced. After a few minutes, they told him he could go up. Elliot nodded and without another word headed to the elevators. Caroline Cabot's penthouse consisted of the whole top floor of the building so after punching the PH button he waited as patiently as he could.



He had his eyes closed when the doors opened, leading into a spacious foyer, covered in expensive looking marble. To the side stood a small granite covered table with a large gilded mirror above it, on the table sat a huge vase of fresh cut flowers, he stepped out of the elevator he moved towards a large heavy door and was about to knock, when a man stepped out whom he assumed was the butler and out stepped a man who he assumed was the butler.



"Good Evening Detective Stabler come in, Mrs. Cabot is waiting for you." He said with an English accent.



Yep Butler, Elliot thought, "Thank you," he inclined his head slightly and followed the Butler. He had never been in Alex's mother penthouse, he knew from Olivia that Alex's family was very well off, even so, at the moment he entered the elegant penthouse he couldn't help but to be astounded. Not only was it elegant and done in good taste but also screamed money, old money.



The Butler stopped in front of a set of sliding glass French doors; he knocked lightly and slid open the door announcing his presence. "Detective Stabler ma'am"



"Thank you George," The well-educated and elegant voice of Caroline Cabot responded as she stood. The sitting room was elegantly decorated in the Luis XV style, which Stabler personally hated because of its ostentatiousness. Even so, he put on a neutral expression. "Detective" Caroline greeted, "Come in and take a seat, I must confess that your visit has taken me by surprise and more so the lateness of the visit." She added in slight reproach looking at him inquisitively.



"Good evening Mrs. Cabot, I'm sorry for coming to see you so late but it was necessary." Elliot explained. "Given the circumstances I thought it was the most convenient." He looked into her eyes trying to read her expression, however, just like her daughter, Caroline Cabot only demonstrated a curious interest.



"Tell me what could be so delicate that it requires a visit at this hour? You must be aware detective that I was about to retire to my room when your visit was announced." Caroline commented.



Elliot looked towards the door before returning his eyes to Alex's mother. She must have noticed because she added, "We are alone Detective, is there a specific reason why you are being so mysterious?



"Yes ma'am, what I came to tell you as I said before is very sensitive." Elliot confirmed.



"I see." She raised an eyebrow slightly, "In that case, tell me would you like a drink? Please forgive my rudeness; it must be the late hour."



"No I'm fine," He refused sitting down more nervous than he was before under Alex's mother's scrutiny, you owe me big time Olivia. Elliot thought to himself.



"Very well, tell me, I don't like to beat around the bush Detective, so please tell me what you came to tell me, now. After my daughter's death there isn't anything that would shock me anymore." Caroline pointed out with bitter disappointment without removing her gaze from his.



Elliot got to his feet unable to remain seated under Mrs. Cabot's watchful gaze. It was apparent that his presence bothered her; of course Elliot could certainly understand the reason for her hostility. She knew that he and Olivia had been with Alex the day that she had been "killed", so it was reasonable to assume that she blamed them to a certain extent for the death of her only daughter. He blamed himself for not having been able to sense it, for not being able to protect not only Alex but Olivia as well. Because after all Alex was the woman Liv loved and to be forced to pretend she was dead and not knowing anything about whether she was safe or not, it had been a living hell for Liv.



"I want you to know that I'm very sorry that I had to come here tonight to tell you what I have to say." He said in a grave tone. "I'm sorry that the circumstances have to be so unpleasant and I would also like to beg your forgiveness because it is I that must tell you.



"Detective, please stop beating around the bush," Carolina sighed in displeasure, she felt anxious and her nerves were on end. Elliot's presence in her house reminded her of the night just a little over two years ago, of the experience that caused her nightmares to this day. No, she thought, a mother never recovers from the loss of a daughter, never. "Whatever you have to say please say it."



Elliot's jaw clinched as he nodded, he took a deep breath letting out the air slowly. "My partner Olivia Benson is in the hospital at this very moment Mrs. Cabot. She was shot four times at close range when we were investigating some clues on a case. Before she lost consciousness she asked for Alex." He paused; the image of his dying partner surrounded by a pool of blood assaulted his mind, causing him to stutter impotently. "She...you knew they were..."



"A couple, yes I knew," Caroline interrupted impatiently, "The situation wasn't exactly to my liking but I was aware of it. Alex was very clear what she thought of my position against the relationship with Detective Benson. I'm sorry for what happened to her and I understand why she would "call" for Alex, but what does that have to do with me Detective Stabler?" She said harshly. "Alex and I were distanced since her insistence to continue with a relationship that would ruin her professional career, so forgive me for saying so, but I don't understand why the fact that Detective Benson is..." she looked at him questioningly, Elliot had still not made clear what Olivia's status was.



"She's in critical care at the ICU at Bellevue." Elliot said sensing his anger rise to his neck. He knew perfectly well Alex's situation with her mother. He also knew how painful it was for Olivia to know that she was the cause of the rift between Alex and her mother. She felt at fault because her love for the attorney was the cause of pain and sadness for Alex; if he had had any doubt why Alex had chosen to let Olivia know the truth of her supposed death and not her mother, now he understood why. "I'm sorry for you Mrs. Cabot," He couldn't help but say it. "Sorry because now I understand why Alex distanced herself from you and I also understand that despite everything your daughter loves you."



"My daughter is dead!" She cut him off with a deadly look. "Or have you forgotten Detective Stabler that you were with her when it happened?" Her voice rose slightly, tremulous from pain. "You and that woman that despite swearing to give her life before letting something hurt her, Failed!" She got to her feet; her body language was very antagonistic. "Or aren't you aware of that? Did not Detective Benson tell you? She came to see me two days before that tragic day to ask me for her hand, she wanted to do things properly" the quiver in her voice was perfectly audible "She told me that Alex loved me and that she loved Alex and to make her happy was the only purpose in her life and she could not stand the idea that my daughter and I should be distanced because of her. She asked me to remember that Alex was still my daughter no matter whom she loved. She promised to make her happy, protect her and love her." She spit out in fury tears stung her tormented eyes. "She promised me!" She murmured her voice full of pain. "She promised, she was supposed to take her to Tabern on the green and I would be there to tell her that she had my blessing. Did you know that Detective? I'm sorry that Olivia Benson is in the hospital, but don't take me wrong Detective, I am sorry because my daughter would not have wanted it this way, but I can't...I" Her voice broke and she fell in the chair gripping a hand against her mouth.



Elliot was in total shock when he heard what Mrs. Cabot had to say. Oh God Liv! I did not know. It was true he knew that Olivia had intended to ask Alex to marry her, but he never told her that she was planning to do it the day after Alex's "death". After a few minutes, Elliot regained control and approached Mrs. Cabot.



"Mrs. Cabot, please listen to me." He begged softly, a tone that could not be taken for Stabler's usual cold and hard attitude. "Alex is alive. That is the reason why I am here. She needs you, now more than ever Mrs. Cabot. Alex is alive."



If it had not been for his quick reflexes, those born from years on the police force and the Marines, Elliot would now be suffering from a broken nose at the very least when Mrs. Cabot's head had jerked up suddenly. She looked at him incredulously her eyes swollen and red.



"WHAT!" She yelled unsteadily. "What...what are you saying?" She began to shake staring at him incredulously, looking for signs of truth.



"Alex is alive." Elliot repeated calmly. "She didn't die during the attempt, but it was the only way to keep her that way. She has been under the WPP for the last two years. If Alex hadn't "died' officially you would have been the next target. She agreed to go into the program so you could be safe." Elliot explained trying to ease the impact when she found out that Olivia was aware all along. "She asked to speak to Olivia before she left. She couldn't leave without letting her know that she was alive. Alex knew what believing that she was dead would do to Liv."



Carolina Cabot drew back as if someone had slapped her, her daughter was alive and not only that, Olivia Benson had known. She had to know that Alex was alive; her only daughter had chosen Olivia over her to tell the truth. A blind bury mixed with profound pain took over her.



She got to her feet on trembling legs and headed for the bar, serving herself a shot of whiskey, and downing it in one gulp. She gripped her hands against the bar in an attempt to control her emotions; Trying not to scream like a wounded animal. At that moment, she was not the refined and elegant Caroline Cabot, the woman that even under the worst circumstances ever lost her composure. At that moment, she was only a mother who for two years had lived with the idea that her only daughter was dead. Believing that Alex had been killed thinking her mother did not accept her relationship with the woman she loved, believing that her mother...! Oh God! It was just too much.



"Alex needs you Mrs. Cabot." Elliot insisted, without knowing what else to say at that moment. "She asked me to come and..."



"Alex is alive," Carolina murmured before turning to look at Elliot in anger. "You knew, she knew!" She exclaimed, "During the last two years I have suffered the unmentionable, believing her dead and you come to my house to tell me that you knew! That both of you knew! What was I Stabler, collateral damage? Are the feelings of a mother not important? For God's sake, I am her mother! I should have known! You should have told me!" She yelled almost hysterically.



"Ma'am please understands Alex couldn't tell you, it would have put your life in danger, she did it because she loved you." Elliot pointed out trying to calm her down. "It wasn't easy, Alex couldn't tell you."



"But she told Benson, isn't that so?" She spit out bitterly, "I, her mother did not get that privilege. She preferred that I suffer her death, to believe her dead before me.



"Olivia wouldn't have survived thinking that Alex was dead, and she knew it," Elliot proclaimed. "Alex is her life," he added in a defeated voice. "Before she died..." Caroline looked at him disbelievingly, "She died Mrs. Cabot, three times her heart stopped." He swallowed past the knot in his throat as he remembered. "Before she died her last words were Alex's name, even as she lay dying Mrs. Cabot, Olivia never stopped thinking of Alex."



"Where is my daughter?" Carolina asked her face drawn and weary, yes the truth was overwhelming but she knew what it was like to lose the love of your life, she knew perfectly well. Perhaps she hated the fact that Alex preferred Olivia to her but she also knew what it was like to love and want to die for that love. "You said she was in the witness protection program?"



"She is here, in New York, at Bellevue with Olivia." He clarified.



"I don't understand." Carolina had returned to the sofa, letting herself fall listlessly "You said she had been in the program, is her life out of danger now?" She looked at him inquiringly.



"No," He confessed. "We brought her back secretly. The Marshalls brought her from where she was hiding. I asked Agent Hammond to do it.





"What!" Carolina exclaimed stupefied. "Her life continues to be in danger and you brought her to the city without caring?" She stared at him not even considering what he had said.



"Olivia was dying Mrs. Cabot." He defended his decision. "Alex wouldn't have forgiven herself if Olivia died without her knowing or being at her side. Neither one of them deserves this forced separation. They love each other, the least that I could do was to assure myself that if the worst should happen, Alex, would be by her side and not off in some unknown place, alone and unaware of what was happening to the woman she loved."



"Her life is still in danger Detective, what would happen if the man that ordered her killed finds out? How will that help her be at Olivia's side if that man reaches his objective?" She reminded him in frustration. "How will that help either of them?"



"If Olivia dies..." He proclaimed. "I doubt that Alex would want to continue living and the same would happen to her. Olivia should be dead Mrs. Cabot, knowing that Alex is at her side is keeping her alive. You weren't there, from the moment in which she came into the ICU, Olivia's vital signs improved and stabilized. Olivia knows that she is there and is fighting to stay with her. Please Mrs. Cabot." Elliot hated begging, hated to show emotion. In his line of work he couldn't afford to, however, they were talking about Olivia, his friend, his sister. "Alex needs you; she's suffering, still believing that you won't be happy that she is alive."



"What? She exclaimed in surprise. "That I would not be hap...? But why? No..." She blubbered incoherently, "how can it be possible."



"You yourself said it Mrs. Cabot, Alex joined the program believing you didn't approve of her decision of loving Olivia. She still believes the same thing." He reminded her.



"Oh." She accepted in shame. "My God," She covered her face with her hands. "I don't know, I...I suppose they won't let me see her right now? Correct?" She looked at Elliot.



"Yes, probably, but I don't think that it would be convenient that you go right now." He reasoned. "I must remind you that Alex is still in danger, so when you go to the hospital it will be necessary for you to do so under the proper protection and with extreme caution. Obviously, we can't be too noticeable. We don't know if you are still under their observation, we doubt it, but it is better to take the proper precautions.



"I understand." Caroline breathed deeply trying to calm her racing heart. She felt short of breath and overwhelmed by her emotions. "I think I can pretend that I have to go to the hospital, after all the Cabot Foundation has interests at Bellevue, it wouldn't be odd to pay a visit."



"No, no it wouldn't; besides it's possible that they are already aware of what happened to Olivia. It wouldn't be strange that you demonstrated some worry for her, after all she was a co-worker to Alex, don't you agree?"



"That is something that until today I never understood." She inclined her head looking at him in confusion. "If Olivia is so important in her life, how it is they didn't know about it? It would have made more sense to take her companions life."



"No one knew." Elliot sadly confessed. "Only I did. Both of their jobs would have been subjected to scrutiny. Alex was thinking of transferring to another department after the case was closed. She did not want to continue living in secret. They were getting ready to live together, you just confirmed it, and Olivia was going to propose."



Caroline nodded fully understanding the implications of such a relationship between her daughter and Detective Benson, Alex being the SVU primary ADA, the same unit that Olivia's; if that had come out it would have been disastrous both legally and professionally.



"How is my daughter Detective Stabler?" She asked after a moment of reflection at what the Detective might tell her.



"Brokenhearted," He didn't try to sweeten the truth, he figured Mrs. Cabot wouldn't take that well. "She's trying to hang on, but you have to understand that it's a very delicate situation, not only Olivia's condition but also her own situation."



"I suppose so. Do you need anything else Detective?" She asked tiredly. "I'll stop by the hospital tomorrow during visiting hours."



"Yes, Alex asked me to tell you she needs clothes and toiletries. She was picked up directly from work there was no time to get her bags. She has noting with her..."



"I understand." She cut him off, "I'll take care of it. Is there any way for me to contact her now?"



"You can call Fin, he is there now taking care of security, but I don't think it would be wise Mrs. Cabot. Alex is barely holding on to her control and I feel that if she hears your voice she..." Caroline raised a hand halting any further explanations.



"You are right, forgive me. It is all just so overwhelming, finding out that Alex is alive has been quite a shock."



"I understand perfectly Mrs. Cabot." He smiled sympathetically. "Will you need someone to drive you to the hospital? I can come by or..." he offered.



"I do not believe it is prudent Stabler if I am not supposed to know the truth. I do not think it would be very intelligent that I arrive at the hospital under police protection. Let us keep this simple so as not to raise suspicion.



"You are right," he coincided, "When you arrive go directly to ICU, I'll leave you my card so you can call me when you get to the hospital. I'll be waiting for you at the entrance to the ICU so I can take you to Alex." He removed a card from his wallet and handed it to her.



"Very well goodnight Detective. I'll walk you to the door." She got to her feet.



"That won't be necessary, I regret that this happened the way it did," He apologized sincerely, "but there was no other way."



"I am not sure I can forgive the fact that she knew the truth and I did not." She said with cold sincerity, "But whether I like it or not, I understand her reasons. Goodnight Detective, I will see you tomorrow."



Elliot agreed and left without saying another word. Once in his car, Elliot contacted Fin, telling him that he was going home to rest a bit and that he would be there first thing in the morning to relieve him. It's not that he really wanted to, but he needed his wife at that moment. The next few days would be hard and he doubted he would be at home much. After all the world didn't stop rotating and they couldn't put SVU on hold because one of its detectives was in the hospital fighting for her life.



****



The following day, Caroline Cabot went into the Hospital with a small carrying case; it was one of the ones with the Cabot Foundation logo. This way it would look like she was there on official business and no for what it was, a visit. Inside the case was a pair of pants, blouses and lingerie for Alex as well as toiletries. Just moments before getting out of her car, she had called Detective Stabler to let him know she had arrived. She told the chauffer to find a parking spot since she would be occupied for several hours then stepped out and headed for the hospital lobby. Just as Stabler had indicated he was waiting at the elevators on the floor where the ICU unit was located.



"Good Morning Detective Stabler. How is Olivia?" She asked in a worried tone, after all she was her daughter's partner.



"She's still in a delicate state but stable. She's under an induced coma; her wounds were severe and required several hours of surgery."



"What about her?" She did not dare say her name aloud. As the detective had told her discretion was a priority. No one must know that Alex Cabot was not only alive but that she was here.



"We managed to get her to rest in a private room reserved for relatives of patients in the ICU. It's only been a couple of hours she's been there, let's hope she's sleeping. She refused to take a sedative for fear of not being at Olivia's side if she should need her.



"I understand."



Elliot escorted her through the main hallway to the ICU where there were several doors. Alex's was the third one to the right.



"Go on in, I'll be out in the hall." He gestured to a seating area at the end of the hallway. "The only entrance is through there." He said in a low voice.



"Good, I know that I didn't tell you last night, but I'm sorry, it was such a shock to hear that my daughter is alive. Thank you for telling me the truth Detective." She smiled in appreciation.



Elliot nodded and opened the door softly; peeking to make sure Alex was fine. When he saw her lying down with her eyes closed, he stepped back out and let Mrs. Cabot go in. "Whatever you need I'll be right outside."



"Once again thank you." She whispered. Elliot shut the door and Caroline turned towards where Alex was, her heart tightened when she saw her daughter curled up tightly on the small bed against the wall. Alex face was covered in dry tears; it was obvious that she had fallen asleep crying. Very carefully, she drew near and extended a hand to touch her, she paused for a moment unsure before finally letting herself touch her, realizing that her daughter was truly alive.



"Oh Lexi," she sobbed soundlessly, "My Lexi." Her eyes filled with tears and with no strength left, she dropped down on the cot next to her daughter, cradling her face. Alex must have felt her because she woke up startled looking around her completely disoriented not knowing where she was before her memory came back.



"Mother" She gasped when she recognized her mother sitting next to her.



"Oh, Lexi" Her mother leaned over her, pulling her against her body. "Lexi, Lexi, I thought you were dead." She groaned in between sobs without letting her go.



Finally, the firm control that Alex Cabot had maintained on her emotions came crumbling down in a crashing wave. The tears and pain came pouring out.



"Mother, I didn't think that...Oh mom, she...she...my Liv."



"Shh, shh, Lexi everthing will be fine." Her mother consoled, hugging her and whispering sweet words into her hair. Both cried one because she needed to let out the pain and uncertainty and the other for happiness that her daughter was alive. The circumstances might not be ideal, but what could it matter in that moment after two years of suffering.



Much, much later after Alex calmed down, her mother smiled at her and caressed her face in reverence.



"I am so happy to know that you are alive Lexi." Her mother confessed reverently.



"It's been years since you last called me that." Alex said in surprise.



Her mother laughed softly. "I stopped doing it because you didn't like it, don't you remember? You were a woman and you said it did not fit you anymore. But for me you have always been my Lexi."



"I can't believe you're here." Alex confessed looking at her mother intently. She did not miss the shadow of pain that crossed her mother's features.



"How can you think like that Alexandra? I'm your mother of course I would come to be at your side."



"Forgive me mother but the last time that we spoke, we argued and you..." Caroline raised her hand.



"Alex I know what I said and I know what you must think, but my reaction or attitude was not for the reasons you think." She expressed uncomfortably "Whom you choose to love is your decision my dear, am not nobody to forbid you to do so.



"But," she shook her head disconcertedly, "you yourself told me that Olivia was a mistake in my life, that she wasn't right for me."



"Alex I know you think that my antagonism towards Olivia was because she was a woman, that's not so Lexi, for God's sake, you haven't been the first lesbian in the Cabot family. Nor shall you be the last one; I do not care about that. What I care about... is you. Lex you lived in a world that was extremely conservative, over the years you always told me what your ambitions were in the office of the District Attorney. You told me repeatedly what your goals were. I was afraid for you daughter. Living in an open lesbian relationship would be not only a bitter pill, but also a constant battle to vindicate yourself in this hostile world.



"Mother" Alex blew out exasperated. "I know I could have thought a lot of things and said a lot of things, but I also told you that I never imagined I'd fall in love with her, or that her love for me would turn into the reason of my existence. Mother, I did not know and I swear to God that I never thought I would feel the way I do, but you seemed to be completely against my relationship with her, in every sense.



"I know, Alex, I know.' She took a deep breath. "It was difficult daughter, I had my suspicions about your sexual orientation, but you never openly gave any indication, it is complicated Lexi. When you finally came out of the closet, it was to tell me that you were in love with Detective Benson and that you were planning to move in with her. Lex, you went from a non-existent social life, rarely dating men and never more than once or twice with the same man to an openly lesbian relationship! What did you expect?"



Alex had the decency of blushing "I didn't want to disappoint you, but the truth is, I had never fallen in love and going out with the occasional man was easier and less complicated, at least until I met her, I just wanted your approval mother, nothing else."



Caroline sighed and hugged her again. "You have it Alexandra, you have always had it.



Alex relaxed against her mother hugging her in return, just like when she was a child and her mother consoled her. "I'm really afraid mother; Liv is in serious condition, I'm afraid..."



"Lexi do not think that way, she loves you. She will fight to stay with you." She gave her courage.



"You haven't seen her mother, she is so pale, and she looks so fragile." She said with a shiver "I'm afraid that if I close my eyes I will be back in that horrible place, far from her. I prayed every night that it was only a dream and that I would wake up and I would be here in Manhattan with her, with you. I never imagined that my prayers would be answered this way. Not at a cost to her, her life. Mother I do not want to live without her, not ever again.



"Oh Lexi, have faith, don't give up hope." Her mother begged.



Alex just hugged her feeling the tears running down her face, after a few minutes pulled away a bit.



"Have you eaten? You are skin and bones Alex." She chided.



"I...no, I couldn't think of eating and on the program well..." She shrugged.



"Now that you are here, let us remedy that situation. Olivia would not like to see you this way, she would go crazy with worry that some strong breeze might blow you away." She said teasingly.



"Oh, it's not that bad." She denied.



"Oh, really? For God's sake Alex," her mother huffed. "Let me go see Detective Stabler and have him go buy something for you to eat, I know you can't go out freely."



"No." Alex agreed. "It's still dangerous."



"We have to discuss that Alexandra." Alex shrank away before her mother's reproachful and hurt glare. She knew her mother had suffered when she found out the truth, but she knew if she could go back in time and she had to do it all over again she would make the same decision. Although maybe just maybe she might have done some things differently...Alex would have asked Olivia to go away with her. After two miserable years in Wisconsin, she would refuse. Now that she knew what it was like to live without her she would never do it again. No sir, Alexandra Cabot knew she would soundly refuse to go anywhere if she could not live with Olivia. Not again, not ever again without her Liv.



"I know mother, I know." She looked at her steadily, making her see what she knew perfectly well, I love you mother but she is my life.



"I will be right back." Caroline stood and she lowered her gaze, it was so hard to see a daughter grownup but it was much harder knowing that your daughter would love someone more than you. It hurt, of course it hurt, but in her case Caroline knew that she was equally corresponded.



I am sorry mother. Alex thought watching her mother go out the door. But I love her more than life itself.



With a profound sigh Alex stood, she had noticed the bag her mother had brought with her, which she assumed what the contents were. She picked it up and began to look through it.



"Oh thank God." She said aloud, removing a pair of jeans and a clean shirt as well was clean under clothes. Everything had a designer label. Her mother had probably stopped to buy everything before coming here. Without giving it another thought, she went into the small bathroom that was in the room to change. Things always looked much better when she was clean.



Fort the moment all she could do was wait, wait and pray that Liv would recover. Please, Liv, please. She murmured to herself. I do not want to live without you Liv, do not make me... please...



Continued...

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