Part 11

Chapter 51

I fell asleep before they got home. That means I effectively avoided having to face them. I understand that sleeping is another form of running away from the situation, but I was in all honesty very tired. Chasing Lindsey around takes a lot of stamina that I just don't seem to have anymore. But since I can't be avoidant forever I get up out of bed and make my way down to where all the voices are coming from.

If I had a watch on I'd look at it, just to double check and make sure I didn't wake up in another dimension or something because some of the voices that are in the kitchen are some that I certainly don't recognize. I did go to sleep last night or more accurately this morning (thanks to Nikki for somehow getting me to my bed) but I know I didn't sleep that long. At least that's what my clock told me when I looked at it. It only read that it was nine in the morning.

So ignoring the fact that I somehow ended up in boxers and a tank top, I walk into the kitchen where the voices seem to be coming from and I don't know everyone in here but most of them seem familiar somehow. Catherine is conspicuously missing and I can only guess that she's upstairs hopefully not consorting with Lindsey.

"You're up," Nikki announces thus assuring that everyone in the room turns their full attention to me.

I nod. "Did I miss the memo about the kitchen party?" I've never been one much to the benefits of modesty but I'm sorely underdressed and am not really appreciating the horny looks I'm getting from some of the guys in here.

Sara makes her way over to me and effectively blocks everyone else's view of me and me of them. "Sorry if we woke you. We all wanted to hang out after last night."

Why is she explaining this to me? This is her or really Catherine's house. They can do whatever they want with it. I'm not paying rent. "Cool." That's really all I have to say, which is why I turn around and make my way out of the kitchen barely catching someone's question to Sara asking her if her sister is 'legal'. I don't feel like stopping outside the door and hearing her answer.

Nikki must not feel like sticking around either because she's by my side walking up the stairs within moments of the question. "You okay?" she asks as soon as we reach my open bedroom door.

"Yeah," I scratch at my chin. "Why shouldn't I be?"

"It's been a long night for you too."

The only response I have is an indecipherable grunt before I walk into my bedroom leaving Nikki to do what she wishes. It seemed like she was having a good time downstairs with everyone I hardly know.

"Are you going to go back downstairs?" Nikki follows me into the room and closes the door behind her. I guess she wants us to have some privacy.

"I don't have plans to. That's not my crowd, Nik. It's Sara's and Catherine's world downstairs. I'm not a part of that." I fall back down into my bed and close my eyes. If I'm lucky I can get some sleep and wake up when everyone is gone.

Nikki sits down next to my feet forcing me to move them so that she's not sitting partially on top of them. "No, I guess you're not."

We haven't quite managed to breach that barrier yet. I'm not sure if I want to breach it anymore anyway. The world is invading into my little hole I've been put into and it's a lot to deal with. I'm being reintroduced to life and as a new person on a whole new set of drugs. Everything I thought I wanted to happen all at once a few months ago, I don't really want to be propelled into anymore.

If last night taught me anything, it certainly taught me that.

"When I first got here and learned that Sara was my mom I wanted everything," Nikki is still sitting at the end of my bed and I can't think of anything else better to do at the moment than to talk to her. "I wanted Sara to shout from the rooftops that I was her daughter. I wanted Catherine to validate me in how wrong I thought Sara was for leaving me. I wanted my school life to be perfect and my athletic life to be perfect. I wanted a thousand apologies and a million miles of selfish leeway."

Nikki's hand rubs against my calf. "You don't want that anymore?"

"I don't know what I want," I cover my eyes with the palms of my hands. "I don't really know. I mean, I'm Sara's daughter whether some guy who I don't know, who I don't really care about, who works with her knows if I'm her daughter or not. That guy knowing isn't going to change the facts as they are. And Catherine doesn't need to validate my anger. She doesn't need to stand up against Sara on my behalf, 'cause we're all working for the same thing now. We're all workin' to get me back in that world that is downstairs and in that world that Lindsey ran off to last night." My hands drop away. "I don't know. It just seems like everything I was so focused on before seems like petty details now."

"You know if Catherine and Sara ever got wind of this conversation they would totally kill me for not having a digital recorder on hand, 'cause this would be something they really would want to hear, Mel."

I rub at my eyes and sigh. "I know I know. But I can't tell them this 'cause as petty as those things are, I'm still angry. I'm still angry."

"Talking to them might help your anger," Nikki's suggestion hasn't escaped my own self-musings but Sara's recent breakdown during our conversation about Laura doesn't reinforce any ideas I have of talking to her, right now at least. I know that in the past I cynically noticed the similarities between Laura and Sara and me, but I denounce all that now. We can't be like her, at all. We have to reject every part of her that has seeped itself into us, because it's poison. It's pure poison.

"I'll think about it," It's the best I can say right now. I've already thought about it. I'm going to have to think myself into a decision but that's not going to happen today. I'm hoping that I don't even have to think myself out of my room. I can sleep all day and let the powwow go on downstairs.

Nikki looks like she's going to say something but stops herself when Catherine comes barging into my room like she's ready to seriously start yelling at me. Lindsey comes running in after her screaming that, "it's not Mel's fault".

That must mean that Lindsey and I are no longer even.

Catherine is standing next to my bed looking down at me, she looks angry. "Why didn't you call us? Something serious could have happened."

Maybe I should make an effort to get up and face her on a more even level or maybe I shouldn't. "Something serious was already happening. I didn't want to add to it. If I fucked up then I'm sorry and next time I'll do better." I do my best to sound as genuine, sorrowful, repentant, and most importantly not like I'm trying to be a smartass, as much as I possibly can. I don't want to get her any angrier. She's probably had a really long last twenty-four hours and I don't want to get caught in the downswing of her wrath.

"Damn right you'll do better next time," she says after taking a few seconds to just look at me with all the wind having been taken out of her wings. Catherine was expecting a fight from me, I can easily see that and instead she gets an apology and an appetence of my will to change my actions if something like this happens again. "Something very serious could have happened to you or Lindsey," but I'm still going to get a lecture. "What would you have done if you hadn't found her or if you started to hallucinate again? You're in no condition to run around right now. What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? Don't you think it would have been a lot worse if something had happened to both you and Lindsey without Sara or me knowing that anything was going on at all? Well…what do you have to say for yourself?"

I sit up in my bed knowing that I can't curb this conversation into not happening. Catherine is upset and she's going to hold onto this until she gets whatever she has to say out of her system. "If it ended up being too much for me or if I didn't find her, I would have called you or Sara. I just really felt that last night wasn't a good time to tell you that your daughter ran off. I thought I was making the best decision I could at the time, and I am really sorry that I lied. I'm sorry I even suggested to Lindsey that we don't tell you about it," I need to cover all my bases here. "The only thing I can say in my defense is that I did handle it and I did get Lindsey back here. It wasn't easy for me," maybe I can guilt her out of yelling at me, "because there were plenty of times I thought I might collapse, especially when I caught Lindsey with that boy, but I didn't."

Catherine's attention turns to Lindsey. "What boy?"

Lindsey gives me a dirty look and I can only assume that when Lindsey decided to confess to Catherine about what happened last night she left out a few damning details. Here I thought we were doing full disclosures.

"He's nobody," Lindsey's evil glare finally falls away from me and to the floor. "It's just a guy I met at the party."

"Well what were you doing with that boy you just met?" Catherine has completely removed her attentions from me. She's standing right in front of Lindsey looking down at the girl like she's going to make Lindsey wish she never learned what a 'boy' is.

Lindsey's arms cross in front of her body. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" I don't think Catherine believes her.

I must be smiling because Nikki slaps my leg and tells me to stop doing it and that this isn't funny.

"Nothing! Okay?" Well that probably wasn't very smart of Lindsey.

"Okay? Definitely not okay, Lindsey." Yeah that wasn't so smart of Lindsey but at least Catherine has forgotten that I'm in the room. "You are in so much trouble right now; I can't even talk to you. I can't deal with you right now so just go to your room and stay there until Sara and I come talk to you."

Lindsey must realize her mistake because her defensive posture drops and she looks like she wants to say something to her mother but is too afraid to do so. She drags her feet out of my room and keeps her head down not making any eye contact with anyone. Catherine watches her daughter leave and then very slowly turns back to me. "Tell me about this boy."

Nikki releases some kind of sound that almost seems like a chuckle so I kick her. "I don't know who it was, just some fourteen year old kid. I caught Lindsey making out with him when I found her."

"And?" Catherine's hands move to her hips.

"And I pulled them apart and pushed him up against a wall and then I think I might have choked him a little bit."

"Might have?" her voice doesn't sound so intimidating anymore. She sounds concerned.

"No, I did choke him but I didn't hurt him even though I really wanted to."

"Lindsey really wasn't thinking, was she?" Nikki says under her breath.

"She's grounded until she's thirty," Catherine tells us and I'm inclined to believe that she just might be completely serious about handing out that punishment.

"Who's grounded until they're thirty?" Sara asks as she invites herself into my room.

"Lindsey," Nikki, Catherine, and I helpfully answer.

"What happened?" Sara asks through a sigh.

This time Nikki and Catherine aren't so helpful. They both turn to me to explain. "Last night Lindsey ran off and ended up at a party and I tracked her down and there was a boy she was making out with and I pulled them apart and choked him a little bit but he's fine. I didn't really hurt him and so that means I lied last night. When you called Lindsey had already run off and I was chasing her down but I didn't want to tell you because I knew a lot of stuff was already going on at your work." I am sort of hoping that Sara didn't catch all that since I didn't bother to enunciate or talk coherently.

Sara looks at Catherine and Catherine for some reason or another nods. Sara takes a deep breath and closes her eyes but not for too long because she's seriously invading my space within seconds. "Did anything happen to you?"

Maybe Nikki has a good idea about digitally recording conversations. "No. Close but no."

Her hand goes onto my knee, "Okay."

Okay? Just okay? "Okay."

"Did you leave everyone alone downstairs?" Catherine asks Sara helpfully reminding us that we aren't the only ones in the house.

"Yeah," Sara is still looking at me. "I came up because I wanted to know if you wanted to join us for breakfast."

"No," I reply immediately. I sound a little panicked. "There's no way I can handle being around that many people right now, not after last night." I shrug. "Things got too close to the surface, again."

Sara's hand that is still on my knee rubs against my leg. "Okay, I understand." She moves herself away from me and back towards the door. Catherine grabs her hand and leads her the rest of the way out saying something about Lindsey as they exit.

Nikki stays in my room and stares at me from the end of my bed. She doesn't say anything, she just stares. Her stare prompts me to jump off my bed and move to my closet to grab some clothes. "Fine," I say as a pull at the garments, "I'll see you downstairs for breakfast and will talk to Lindsey." I'm not happy about doing any of this and let Nikki know it by ignoring her as I walk out of my room to make my way to the bathroom. If I end up acting all crazy again in front of Sara's and Catherine's work people then I'm totally blaming it on Nikki for glare pushing me into not holding up in the safety of my room.



Chapter 52

Somehow, I have no idea how, food has managed to be distributed and eaten. By the time I made it downstairs Sara and Catherine were still in Lindsey's room having a very loud conversation. I took it upon myself to start cooking the food, I figured the sooner I get these guys and gals eating then the sooner they would leave. That hasn't been really sound logic thus far. Everyone has been eating but no one has been leaving, as a matter of fact I think a few more have been arriving. I'm not going to cook anymore food.

"So how is it that Sara and Catherine have managed to keep you a secret for so long?" A guy I don't know asks me as he crams another piece of bacon in his mouth.

I take a very long sip of my orange juice while I debate whether or not I want to talk to him. A look from Catherine, apparently she has somehow finally managed to get downstairs just in time to give me one of her 'parental look' warnings, tells me to open my mouth and play nice. "I wouldn't say they have. I haven't been around so long."

"Yeah, Sara said she was your sister," he's still packing the food in. Who is this guy? Sara owes me big time for ever coming down here to entertain these people. I don't belong in this world of hers. She's made that perfectly clear.

"Thanks for cooking," Sara's voice says from behind me. I didn't see her approaching. "If it were up to me, it would have never gotten done."

It's been a busy morning. "I was happy to do it," even if my intention was to get people out of here.

"Hey Sara, your sister is really talented," the still unnamed man says, this time forgoing the act of putting food in his mouth.

"She's not my sister, Gordon," so we finally have a name, "she's my daughter."

He looks confused. "But you said…"

"She's my daughter," Sara says with a little bit of force behind her words.

I've decided to stand here and watch the exchange play out. If I say something then this moment might disappear or I might be expected to come up with some kind of intelligent comment that I just don't feel coming at the moment, what with being completely struck dumb and all.

"Okay then," Gordon replies slowly. "Your daughter." He nods at Sara a couple of times then wanders away from us onto someone else to harass.

"So who's Gordon?" I don't look directly at her. I keep my eyes focused on Gordon.

"An officer who helped with Nick," I don't think she's looking at me either, but in order to find out for sure I would have to look at her and I'm not so comfortable with doing that now. I really don't have any idea as to how to respond to watch just happened.

We're both saved from saying something else when another man walks up to us. He looks nothing like Gordon and almost seems like he's old enough to be my father. He, for the most part, completely avoids me and directs all of his attention to Sara. He doesn't even bother to introduce himself to me. I'd take his presence as an opportunity to walk away and go back upstairs into my safe zone, but since I'm still in a semi-stupor my feet aren't moving.

"It was good to have you back tonight, Sara. I want you back full-time." He's not really one for small talk is he? In the very least he could have thanked me for cooking him breakfast; it's not like he ate any less than anybody else. At least, I think I remember him eating something. Who is this guy again?

Sara puts her hand on my waist and I do my best not to jump a little at the contact. "I can't go back full-time."

Before this guy can come up with a reply to Sara, Catherine joins us and takes control of the conversation by making a comment about people being in her house that she doesn't recognize. She says it's like someone screamed out free food and every hungry officer and CSI off duty decided to show up.

My stupor finally ends with the inane comments, don't know why, and I manage to find my voice again. "I think I'm done with social interaction. I'm going back upstairs."

"Okay," Sara brushes a strand of my hair from my face. "You should try and get some sleep. You look tired."

"We'll kick everyone out of here soon too, Mel," Catherine's hand goes to my shoulder. "So you don't have to stay upstairs if you don't want to."

"I think I'm going to try sleeping," I tell Catherine. "If anyone gets the notion to start yelling at me again, feel free to come up." I smile a bit and so do Sara and Catherine. This feels like a moment where I should take the time to give a hug to them or something, but I'm not comfortable with initiating physical affection so I let the moment pass.

I offer a quick goodbye to the man standing in front of me and am able to catch his muffled question to Sara asking her if, 'I'm her'. Like before, I don't hang out to figure out what the question means exactly--although I'm pretty sure I can offer up a pretty decent guess--and I don't hang out to hear Sara's response. I'm not so sure I could get moving again if she all up and decides to start telling everyone she talks to that I'm her daughter.

So I walk away, and as I do I catch a glimpse of Greg and Mr. Brown chatting away in a corner. They each wave to me and I give a brief wave and a half smile back. The polite thing to do would be to walk up to them, but like I told Sara, I'm kind of done with the social interaction thing. So I walk past them and up the stairs.

When I get to my room I find that Lindsey and Nikki have already escaped the crowd and instead of escaping to Lindsey's room have decided to escape to mine. "Why aren't you two downstairs enjoying the delights of the late twenty-something to the thirty-something to the forty-something to the fifty-something crowd downstairs?"

"We find we don't have a lot in common with them," Nikki tells me as she pats the small space on the bed left between her and Lindsey. I'm tired enough to squeeze in between them and at least try to ignore that they are breathing much too loudly around me.

"Are you angry I told Mom about what happened?" Lindsey must be asking me because I don't think she has a reason to ask Nikki the question.

"No," I barely open my mouth to answer and don't bother with opening my eyes which have somehow managed to close and stay that way.

"Are you sure?" Lindsey's voice has gotten closer to me but I force my eyes to stay shut. She can get as close as she wants; I'm not going to move.

"Yes." I'm as sure as I can be right now. I haven't been punished yet and I'm not even sure I'm going to be punished. I'm not sure what kind of punishment Sara and Catherine could come up with for me. It wouldn't make a difference if they grounded me because it's not like I'm trying to really go anywhere. I guess they could ban Nikki from coming over here and me from going to her place, but that doesn't work in their interest. Nikki is the one who is around 'keeping an eye' on me when they can't be around.

That would mean that I'm unpunishable or not punishable, rather. I should really get back into school or something because my brain cells are seriously starting to get dumb-er. I can almost remember a time when I actually knew about things that were going on outside in the world. I knew things about physics and chemistry and biology. I did stupid things like writing papers about someone who I was supposed look up to in the world or respected.

Of course, I also remember those times as being the ones, for the most part, where I was beaten by my parents. They were the times where I did crazy things like participate in physical fights for hardly any reason at all. They were the times I slept with any girl/woman that peaked my interest a little bit. They were the days when I didn't know what was 'officially' wrong with me.

And now? Now I'm diagnosed and have problems interacting with crowds like the one that is downstairs. The only reason, I'm convinced, that I was able to stay downstairs as long as I did was because I was focused on doing something the entire time. It's a trick Dr. Roberson threw at me, since she figured I was going to start interacting in the public more. She told me to only focus on one thing at a time and to keep my focus. So when I was cooking breakfast, that's all I was focused on doing. When I was eating the food, that's all I was focused on doing. I have to focus on accomplishing one thing at a time.

I'm not up to taking things a day at a time yet; I'm only up to taking things a second at a time. Roberson told me to focus on each second and then on each minute after that. She says if I can do that then all those seconds and minutes will add up to my lifetime. It makes sense, in a psychobabble kind of way.

It's how I survived last night too, isn't it? I mean, I focused on getting Lindsey but it was broken down into the first, second, third type of order. I focused on catching up with her, then on getting to the house, then on finding her in the house. I didn't mush it all together; I broke it down into manageable steps.

But I still did choke that boy. I still did it so that person that lived in the past before the big diagnosis is still resting inside of me. I think she always will be. I couldn't cut her out of me.

"Are you sleeping?" Lindsey whispers loudly into my left ear.

"No she's not," Nikki answers for me in the same type of loud whisper.

"How do you know?" Lindsey has moved away from my ear and her voice is coming from above me now. "She looks like she's sleeping."

"I can just tell," Nikki shifts on the bed and pokes me in the side. I squirm away from her and tell her to leave me alone. Lindsey must take this as a sign that I really don't want to sleep because she asks me why I'm not angry at her.

"I don't want you to be angry at me, Mel," Lindsey tells me and for the first time since I decided to lie down I open my eyes.

"When your mom and Sara were talking to you earlier did they try to explain to you why what you did was so dangerous?" I'm sure they did and I don't feel like repeating a lecture she's already gotten.

Lindsey nods but doesn't say anything. Maybe I should clarify my question a little bit because it kind of requires a verbal response. "Did they tell you why it was so dangerous for me?"

"Kinda, I guess. They said something could have happened to you, like you lose control or something, but mostly they told me what I did was dangerous because I'm too young to do anything and if I do stupid things something awful could happen to me or whatever."

It seems like she was paying really close attention to them, or not. But, if they didn't tell her exactly what I could have ended up doing then they might have a reason for that. I don't want to override their reasoning or anything, but this is 'me' we're talking about here. I think I have a right to give a full story to anyone I want to. Lindsey is just going to have to handle it, especially if she and I are going to be alone together and she thinks of doing something like this again.

"I could have killed that guy you were kissing, Lindsey," it's important that she knows that, "and I don't mean that in the way that your mom would say something like that. I mean it in the way that I could actually have killed him if I had started to hallucinate again."

Lindsey's eyes are wide and she seems a little anxious. "What do you mean?"

How do I possibly explain this to her? "It's not like I'm a crazy killer or anything but there's a reason I can't jump back into school and into what I was doing in life before I ended up in the hospital. I simply can't handle it like a normal person could. A lot of my hallucinations have manifested themselves physically into me hurting myself or me hurting someone else, because I don't see…" this is hard.

"She doesn't see us, Lindsey," Nikki thankfully takes over for me. "She sees what happened to her in the past. So you running away isn't just about you being selfish and wanting something your way. It's also about putting Mel at risk too because she cared enough about you to go after you and to try and keep you safe."

"I know it isn't fair, Lindsey," I don't know if I've said that to her yet. "I know that me not being normal kind of bleeds into your ability and everyone else's ability to be normal too. I realize that, now at least, and I'm sorry."

"Mom didn't tell me that," Lindsey says softly with a slight bit of humor in her voice, I think. "Will it ever change? Will you be normal again?"

Those are the big questions aren't they?

"It is changing, Lindsey." Nikki answers. "Things are a lot better than they were a while ago."

"But I won't ever be normal," It's the simple truth. "I'll always need medication. I'll need therapy probably always too. I may accomplish a semi-kind of normal but I won't ever be 'normal'."

Lindsey doesn't say anything for a long while. She stares down at me since I never bothered to sit up, but she doesn't say anything. If I were in her position I'm not sure what I could come up with to say.

"Lindsey!" Catherine calls from the hallway. "One of your friend's is on the phone."

It's amazing that I never manage to hear the phone ringing. "Okay, Mom!" Lindsey yells back and immediately jumps off the bed and is running out of the room seemingly forgetting about the conversation we were just having.

Nikki and I are left alone now. "Sara said I was her daughter," I admit because I've been holding onto it too long. I couldn't talk about it with Lindsey in the room.

"I know," Nikki nods. "That's why you needed to go downstairs, Mel. You needed to see her do it."

"She recognized me, Nikki" I don't know where they came from but tears are running down my face now. They weren't there a few moments ago with Lindsey or even when Sara first said I was her daughter, but they are here now. They're here and I can't stop them.

Nikki's arms pull me closer to her. "She loves you, Mel. You belong in every part of her life."

"She's my mom. She really is my mom."

Nikki doesn't say anything but her arms shift and she starts moving away from me. I don't know what she's doing until I feel someone else sliding in next to me. I can hardly see through my tears but I can see that it's Sara that is taking Nikki's place. I didn't hear her walk into the room.

I want to stop crying and I want to pull away or at least I think that's what I should want. I don't want that though, so my arms go around her as best as I can manage in my position and I cry into her chest. I cry for the first time in my life because I'm happy about something. Sara's my mother because she said she is. It's more than just the biology of it now. I can think of her as Mom now instead of as a mixture between Mom and Sara.

She's my mom. She's mine now, for real.





Chapter 53

Mom's gone back to part-time employment these days. That means that for at least part of the day I'm left alone with Lindsey, who apparently is being shipped off to private school. I'm not sure how that happened because I wasn't part of the conversation, but from what I understand Catherine was unhappy with the influences that surrounded Lindsey in her former school. It probably has something to do with Lindsey having friends that are willing to enable her running away. I didn't really talk to them about it though, because I figure it's not really any of my business. It really became none of my interest, really, when Mom asked me what I thought about getting a private tutor to start up with my own school stuff again and start thinking about college.

Roberson, apparently, thinks I'm ready to transition back into my education. She thinks it will give me more focus on my future, or something. She even thinks I should work my way up to joining a gym because she wants me to start working out again. Apparently all the talk about exercise and the brain isn't just some fad being fed to everyone on prime time news programs. Exercise is actually being used as a therapy type device. Roberson recommended to me that I take some kind of martial arts class, though. She wants me to be better able to handle my physical strength or something like that.

So Mom and I are going to interview some tutors when we get a free moment in life. She thinks that free moment will be tomorrow at 2:00pm, but I'm reluctant to commit to the date and time. I'm reluctant to commit to showing up to interview anyone for anything actually. I'm not so comfortable with the idea of all these things that everyone seems to want to happen. I'm thinking that maybe it should take a little longer to transition.

Catherine told me that if we were going to go precisely by my plan for transitioning then I would never transition anywhere. That's probably why she made the appointment to interview the tutor for Mom and me. Mom was on my side until Catherine talked her out of it. I think she said something about coddling or enabling or something. I wasn't really paying attention all that much when she was talking because I pretty much knew that as soon as she started talking I had lost the battle. I should know by now that I need to talk Catherine into things before I try to get Mom to do something, because Mom really looks to Catherine to help her make the 'right' decisions about me.

I'm not being forced into joining up on some community center class or anything though. Mom and Catherine want to see how the tutoring goes first before they enroll me in something else. They don't want to do too much all at once since now they consider watching Lindsey a thing to transition into as well, especially since she's so not happy with starting up in the new school. Every time she comes home she sits in my room for like an hour and tells me how un-cool her new school is. Then she asks me for help on her homework because her new school is harder, or like Catherine likes to say, 'academically more challenging' than her other one.

I try to act mature and tell her that her new school is giving her more of an opportunity to be a better student than her other one, but that doesn't seems to work so much, and the last time I told her that she's in the school she's in now because she fucked up she got angry at me and started yelling then marched off to Catherine and said that I called her a fuck up. Catherine marched up to my room and asked me what I said to Lindsey and then told me I should have handled the situation better. So now I just stick to telling her that her school is giving her more of an opportunity, like one time, then sit and listen to her bitch about it knowing that eventually she's going to ask for help on her homework again never realizing that I stopped listening to her a long time ago.

Maybe I should have made an argument to Catherine and Mom that I didn't need a tutor since I've been doing Lindsey's schoolwork and that's all I need to do, for now. They probably wouldn't have bought it though. They probably would have said something about Lindsey's work being easy to me since I'm older than her.

My alarm on my watch goes off and effectively reminds me that I need to stop staring blankly at the television screen. It's time I get up and take all the medication that I'll be on forever and ever. I'm only sixteen, getting really close to seventeen actually, and I already have a pill box that I put all my weekly doses in. I'm even privileged enough to have a pill cutter, making me that much closer to being a senior citizen.

"Have you taken your medicine yet?" Lindsey asks me from the bottom of the staircase.

"Have you finished all of your homework?" I know that she probably hasn't since she's been yelling in the phone for the last hour about how hard her life is to one of her friends from her former school, a friend that Catherine probably doesn't want Lindsey talking to at all.

At least she was complaining to her friend about her new school instead of me, though. That's the only reason why I tend to not monitor Lindsey's phone calls as closely as Catherine probably wants me to.

Lindsey disappears into the kitchen and comes out a few moments later with a cup of water in her right hand and all my pills in her left. I smile as I take the items from her, "This one," I pick out one of the capsules, "requires I take food with it to prevent a stomach ache."

"Okay," she walks back in the kitchen and I can almost immediately hear her banging stuff together. I probably should have just told her that milk would do too.

I swallow the pills before Lindsey gets back with a plain grape jelly sandwich for me to eat. "Thanks," I swallow most of the sandwich in one bite. "So where's your homework?"

"Upstairs," Lindsey reaches across my lap and takes hold of the television remote. "It's something about mitosis or meiosis or something."

"Usually they are taught together," I reach over and grab the remote from Lindsey then turn off the television. "Go get your work. I don't want to be working on cell division at two in the morning."

"Mitosis and meiosis are about cell division?"

Before I get a chance to respond to Lindsey's complete lack of knowledge in the subject she's supposed to be studying, the front door opens and thankfully Mom steps through it. That means she can explain cell division to Lindsey and leave me to my previous activity of blankly staring at the television screen. It'd be good for them to spend some quality biology focused time together.

"Hey Sara," Lindsey calls over to Mom. "Did you bring food home?"

"Yep." Mom holds up a paper bag then makes her way into the kitchen. Lindsey jumps up to follow her and I turn back on the television. I know that eventually I'll be called to go eat dinner but I'm not going into the kitchen too early, if I do then I'll have to help do something.

"Sara said you need to set the table for us," Lindsey tells me as she comes back into the living room.

"Why don't you have to do it?"

Lindsey smiles, "I'm busy doing homework."

I growl at her but get up and make my way to the kitchen anyway. It's the least I can do since I'm no longer going to help Lindsey with her homework anymore. She's just going to have to actually read one of her textbooks for a change.

Mom smiles at me as I drag my feet into the kitchen and then drag my feet over to the cabinets that hold all the plates. "I know you're not talking to me right now," she says as I pull down three plates, "but I need to know that you're going to be here tomorrow to interview the tutor. You should at least have some say in who you're going to spend so much time with."

I stopped talking to her when she sided with Catherine and decided that getting me a tutor would be a good idea. It's lasted about two days now and I find that I'm really not as angry as I think I should be. That's the thing with all the medication I'm on these days, it's starting to make me feel this elusive 'normalness' so the reactions I'm used to having aren't really happening anymore. I kind of find myself acting more and more like I think I would have instead of acting like how I feel. If that makes any sort of sense at all.

Roberson says I need to start erasing my previous normal and let a new normal form. She wants me to start making a schedule for my daily routines and stuff. She even wants me to pencil in one night a week where I stay over at Nikki's instead of at home. She says it will give me a chance to become as independent as I used to be.

"Hey," Sara's hand is on my arm steadying the plates in my hand, "are you okay?" I don't jump at her touch like I normally do.

"I'm not angry at you, Mom." I release the plates and let her stronger hands take them from me. I'm not quite used to calling her 'Mom' yet, but I'm sure with practice the ease will come. It still kind of throws her when I call her Mom too, because she always gets this weird look on her face like she can't quite believe that she is actually a parent. It's something we'll both have to get used to, and I know it's something neither of us is going to give up on at this point. I mean, we've just been working too hard for this.

She nods. "I know."

"How?" I haven't even been willing to admit it until recently.

"I've seen you really angry at me."

I grin. "Oh yeah."

She laughs and puts the plates down on the counter. "It's hard for you Mel, I get that."

"Did Dr. Roberson explain it to you?" I find that my parent's relationship with my mental health doctor features heavy communication.

"No. She told Catherine."

"Catherine told you." I'm living in a domino effect.

Mom nods and the seriousness that was around before has come back. "Are you okay?"

I shrug my shoulders and force myself to maintain eye contact. "It's confusing, y'know? I mean, I know how I used to act and all but that way doesn't seem to fit with me anymore. I don't feel the same intensity of emotion anymore. When I get angry it's not the homicidal angry I used to get and when I get depressed it's not the suicidal depression I used to get. I'm so used to the extremes I don't know what the in-betweens are."

I'm waiting for some kind of response from Mom but she's just staring at me with this surprised look on her face. I was under the impression that someone had talked to her about this before. "Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah," Mom nods a few times. "You've just been surprising me a lot lately."

"Surprising?"

"You're talking to me, Melinda."

"Oh." I guess I can remember a time when I didn't talk to her, at all, and she didn't really talk to me at all either. We still don't talk intimately all that much. It's not an every day thing, but it has gotten easier. It's gotten easier just like letting her touch me has gotten easier and hearing her say my name has gotten easier and being with her has gotten easier, and well just about everything having to do with her has gotten easier.

"You're doing really well, Melinda. I'm really proud of you."

Happiness is new to me. It's not something I've experienced a lot of and it's not something I'm rolling in now, but when Sara smiles at me and I know she's smiling because of me it gives me some happiness. She's not my grandmother. She's not the woman who only told me she was proud of me sarcastically as I failed at something. Sara smiles at me and says she's proud because she really is proud. I really do have her approval and support.

"Okay." It's not a brilliant response but it's all I can say. I don't have a lot of experience with these sorts of things. I haven't had a lot of parents who are actually my parents lining up and telling me that they're proud of me. "I'll finish setting the table," I move my gaze away from my mom to the small kitchen table, "or I'll start on it, rather."

Mom lets me walk away from her and re-focus my attention on something else. Eventually I get the table set and dinner is served. I tell Mom about Lindsey's homework and she gives me the reprieve for the night in helping Lindsey by promising that she'll help Lindsey with understanding cell biology. The night ends up feeling like it could be part of a new normal that could probably only be a little better if Catherine was around to yell at Lindsey for waiting until the last minute to do her homework. Mom tends to be a little more tolerant about that kind of stuff.

Hey, maybe Mom will agree to getting me a tutor that believes in the student setting their own pace, like that new age teaching technique or whatever it's called. That way I can try my best to avoid complete interaction until I actually have a grasp on what reactions are normal reactions. So that will probably be in about twenty to thirty years.



Chapter 54

"So they hired this tutor for me who obviously doesn't understand the first thing about tutoring special people."

"Mel, you're not a 'special' person."

"You only say that now because you can see the normal in me, Nikki."

Nikki tightens the hold she already has on my hand and pulls me to a complete stop. "It's a beautiful thing to see too. It's especially good to see that it's sticking around for a while."

"I wouldn't get too excited yet."

"I would."

It's Tuesday night and in a very rare occurrence Catherine, Mom and Nikki have all been given the night off by the great city of Las Vegas. At first, I thought there might be some kind of strike going on that I hadn't heard about, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's just a once in a lifetime type thing.

So, since we're all never in the same place at the same time, we've decided to go out as a family for the night, despite it being a school night for some of us. It was Nikki's idea to go out into the public sphere and I was dead set against it, but Nikki had the help of the parentals and somehow they all managed to talk me into it. It's still hard for me to go out and experience life in the grander than my personal space type way, but I've got to do it. I've got to walk out the door and experience what's outside of the doors and be okay with freaking out if that were to happen for some reason or another.

At least that's what Roberson is trying to get me to think these days.

They decided to take me to a movie, so that shouldn't be that bad considering that it doesn't include a whole lot of interaction with other people. I can sit down, close to an exit, and hope that I can focus all my attention on whatever movie it is that they're dragging me to. Hopefully it's a mindless action film or a meaningless comedy. I don't really think my first movie going experience with the meds should involve a heart wrenching drama.

"So what do you have against your tutor now?" Nikki and I have started walking towards the concession stand again, having somehow been voted to take care of all the snacks.

"He's started me on college level material, it's like he doesn't understand that I'm still in high school." Despite the anxiety I'm feeling right now, I think it's best I try and focus on something other than all the people that surround us.

"Well you should have skipped high school altogether. You're practically a genius, Mel."

"So he's already talked you into believing that too, huh?"

"No, you talked me into believing it a long time ago, and after finally getting a chance to meet your mother, it makes more sense now. I mean, let's face it, your grandparents weren't exactly the smartest people in the world."

"Well Mom had to get it from somewhere."

"Yeah, probably divine intervention."

Before I have a chance to reply I hear my name being called out by a voice I haven't heard in a while. Nikki's hands go to my waist, for support I think. "Jenny?"

Slowly Jenny walks up to me but doesn't come too close. "I'm surprised to see you, Mel."

"Yeah, I don't really so much get out that often anymore."

Jenny nods and the awkwardness has officially set in.

"So what are you doing here?" I know that's a stupid question but I don't know what else to say.

She points to her uniform and suddenly I feel even more stupid.

"A job's good to have."

"So are you two here, alone, together?" Jenny asks me doing her best not to look directly at Nikki.

"No," Nikki answers, "It's a family night out type thing."

"Family night?"

"Yeah," It's good I didn't take my medicine that long ago. I'm on a fresh dosage to handle this situation. "Catherine, Mom, Lindsey and the two of us. The whole gang really."

Nikki's hands fall from my waist and I'm not so much digging the feeling of that right now. Before I can turn my head to see what she's doing, she whispers into my ear that I need to handle this and that she's going to go get all the stuff. She kisses my neck, for my benefit, I think, then leaves me alone with Jenny, although we are surrounded by faceless nameless people.

"So you're all a family now, huh?"

Jenny sounds a little less happy about that and a little more of something else. Anger maybe? I don't know. "It's certainly going in that direction, except Mom and Catherine can't make anything official yet, y'know because of the state of the nation and all. Though I think I caught wind of Catherine wanting to adopt me or something, though there's been no official conversation with me or anything."

"And Nikki?"

"I don't think Nikki really needs to be officially adopted by anyone, but she's considered just as much a part of the family as anyone else, I guess. Mom and Catherine seem to like her, for the most part." I don't feel like I should mention their slight unease with the idea of Nikki and I being together, together. They're working through it nicely though. I think they're trying out the 'we trust you' thing and all.

Jenny steps closer to me and I force myself not to take a step backward. "You could have called me more than once, Mel. I was…am worried sick about you. It's like you fell off the planet or something and then reappear in a hospital bed with this mysterious person named Nikki and everyone starts telling me that I need to stay away from you for your own good. I mean, what the hell, Melinda!"

I need to take that step back now. "You were kinda left in the dark and I'm sorry about that. Really. You know there's just a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff I can't explain to you in five minutes in the middle of a movie theater lobby."

"So I should expect you to call me?"

I'm not so much digging her tone right now. "I'm sorry you got hurt, Jenny, and it seems like you might be hurting right now, so I'm sorry for that too but I've pretty much done what I've had to do to survive. Whether you get that or not, well I'm not sure it really matters."

"I need to get back to work." Jenny starts turning away from me but I grab her hand before she can fully escape.

"I'd call you or offer to meet with you if I thought that would make a difference. I would, but I think hearing what I have to say would only hurt you more, and I don't want to do that."

Jenny's eyes lock onto mine then her hand falls out of mine and straightens out the mildly ugly uniform she's wearing. "You're different."

"I have to be."

"I know."

We stare at each other for a few more moments, but Nikki reappears breaking whatever connection Jenny and I might have been forming. "Are you going to meet us back in the theater?" Nikki asks me.

"No," I shake my head. "You'll need help with all that stuff you're trying to carry back."

"I could manage if I have to," Nikki offers.

"But you don't have to," I reach out and take away one of the popcorns she's holding. "I'm supposed to be here helping, that's why I got forced to come along, right?"

"I could have just wanted the company."

"I need to go back to work." This time I don't reach out to Jenny to stop her. But I do tell her that if she needs to call me then she can. I promise not to ignore her phone calls or anything.

Nikki starts leading me back to theater and doesn't ask about my conversation with Jenny. I don't see why she would need to. I am walking back to the theater with her, to go back to… our family, I guess.

"What took you so long?" Lindsey immediately asks as she grabs at the gummy bears she asked for.

"Long lines," Nikki answers as she finishes distributing the food.

"We thought we'd have to send out Sara to go looking for you," Catherine smiles at us as we crawl over them to make it back to our seats.

"Don't worry, you get to keep the night off," I smile back. The theater lights dim and the previews start up. I take my seat between Mom and Nikki trying to not focus on the confrontation I had with Jenny. I want this to be one of my few nights out focused on being with the people that surround me now, the most important people.

"Everything okay," Mom leans in and asks me softly. "You're looking a little off. Do we need to leave? None of us would mind, really."

"No, no," I hurry to respond, "No we don't have to leave. I just ran into Jenny in the lobby. It was…unexpected."

"Did she do something to you, say something?"

"Not really. She's angry though. I get why, I think."

"What's going on?" Catherine leans over Mom to get to me. "Is something going on?"

"Mel ran into Jenny in the lobby," Mom quickly explains to Catherine. "She was angry."

"Who was angry? Jenny?"

"Yeah," I whisper as quietly as possible to Catherine.

Someone behind us tells us to shut up, but Catherine ignores them, "Did she do something to you, say something?"

Nikki laughs out loud and I squeeze her hand that has somehow found mine. She shouldn't laugh at Catherine like that.

"She's hurt, I think, by everything," I explain for the benefit of Mom and Catherine and probably a little bit for Nikki too. Lindsey seems to be completely oblivious to anything going on, which is her new thing to do these days. She likes ignoring us all and pretending like we don't exist to her. I've been told it's a normal teenage girl phase.

Catherine nods her understanding but Mom asks, "She didn't hurt you though, did she?"

"No." She looks satisfied for the moment and turns back to the screen. Catherine returns to sitting correctly in her seat and the conversation appears to be over for the moment. I'm sure it will come up again as soon as the movie is over. They'll want every detail they can get out of me, but there's really not that much to tell.

I highly doubt that Jenny is going to try and call me. I wouldn't call if I were in her shoes. I'm not really looking to mend any fences. I'm still not in any condition to start reaching out to people to try and rekindle friendships or anything. I'm not that strong yet.

"Let it go now, Mel," Nikki whispers to me. "If Jenny becomes an issue we'll handle it."

"I know."

"Good," she kisses me on the temple, and this time I know for sure that it's for my benefit. We turn back to the movie, which is only now just beginning and I settle in and prepare myself to watch whatever it is we're seeing here. This will probably be the last time we get to go out like this for a while; I should at least try and enjoy this and be thankful for this small handout of normal that going out with my family can offer.





Chapter 55

"You're not concentrating on working these problems out, Melinda. You're going to have to work harder if you expect me to continue tutoring you."

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Cause I really don't see it as a threat. Ever since Catherine and Mom hired this Maxwell guy to tutor me he's been a big pain in my mental-ass. He gave me one stupid little IQ test and now thinks that I'm like his next great prodigy or something, or maybe his first great prodigy. He's a graduate student at the university and tutoring is how he makes extra money cause apparently working for the university as a lab section instructor doesn't pay enough to keep him in house and home. Or so he's said. Repeatedly. Like a whole lot.

"Melinda, you're a really smart kid, but all you're doing right now is wasting my time, your time, and your parents' money."

"All this stuff," My hands wave over the books that are covering the dining room table, "isn't even about me, man. It's not what I signed up for. I'm not trying to aim higher."

"Well you should be. You've got to aim somewhere because if you don't then you're just going to end up nowhere."

What's completely surprising is that this guy is completely serious when he says stuff like this. He doesn't break into a little smile at all. He really means and believes in what he's talking about. Somehow he's gotten it into his head that he needs to push me into 'believing in my education'.

Catherine and Mom don't see a problem with him. They don't think that him pushing me a little is a bad thing, although they have told me that I need to do what I'm comfortable with. Talk about mixed signals.

"Maxwell, I am aiming somewhere."

Max's body deflates and he falls back into the chair across from me. "Do you know why I'm pushing you so hard, Mel? Why your parents are letting me push you so hard?"

"Do I want to know?" I've found that some things go along a lot better when I don't know about them. I still need to take things in small doses. Sometimes a small dose means complete ignorance.

Max smiles. "I think you might."

"You think too much, Maxy." He usually hates it when I call him that, but today he must have found his sense of humor because he's still smiling. "So why don't you do some productive thinking and explain to me all the problems I got wrong on this stupid test you forced me to take."

The smile stays on his face but he allows the conversation he was trying to lead me into pass us by. He pulls his chair closer to mine and starts going over the test. He thoroughly explains to me every problem I've gotten wrong and how it is I got it wrong. Most of it, in his opinion, comes down to the fact that I wasn't really trying. He might be right about that, but he's kind of wrong about it too.

Simple truth is it's harder for me to focus on school stuff with the meds I'm on. Before, all this stuff came easier. I was looking through a clear piece of glass down into the answers. Now, the glass is foggy and I need to wipe at it a little before I can see the solutions. It's not like everything is impossible to do, and I honestly am still pretty good at it, but it's not as easy as it was.

I'm not really into admitting this to anyone, either. I'm not sure how they all would react. I don't want to be pitied, though I doubt they would pity me. I don't want to really be coddled either. Catherine and Mom are just now easing out of the extreme suffocation mode they have been in. I don't know how I want them to react.

"I've lost you again, Melinda."

"No you haven't." Yeah he has. But sometimes I can't help these things. I've got a lot of stuff to think about, like all the time, and he's constantly asking me to think more.

He drops the pencil he was using to point out all my errors and leans back in his chair. "You're not a very good liar."

"You don't think so?"

"You're not any good at all."

The irony of this makes me chuckle a little. "I used to be. I used to be really good at it. I could lie about anything and everything and I never felt bad about it at all."

Max's face gets all serious all the sudden, well more serious anyway. "That's really hard for me to believe."

"It's getting harder for me to believe it too."

Max sits and looks at me for a moment then leans forward and starts gathering up all the loose papers that lay across the dining room table. "I think we're done for the day."

I stand up and start helping him gather up everything. It doesn't take us long to transform the dining room table back into actually being a dining room table instead of a really long and fancy desk. Maxwell eventually says his farewells to me and makes his way off to do whatever it is he does when he's not bothering me.

"You get a lot of work done today?"

Catherine's very unexpected voice forces me to jump backwards into the door I just closed. The impact hurts. "Where the heck did you come from?" I thought Maxwell and I had been alone. We usually are.

She's laughing but somehow manages to answer me. "Sara and I came home a little while ago."

"Why?" They aren't supposed to be back here until, well, I'm not sure their shift has even started yet. "Is something wrong?"

"Somehow your mother got food poisoning, so I brought her back here, despite her very loud protests."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah," Catherine nods. "Don't worry, she'll be fine."

"I'm not worried." I must have sounded worried. "But, she's okay, right?"

"She's lying down right now. I don't want to, but I need to go back to work. There's a lot of…stuff going on."

Catherine and Mom are really stringent about keeping their work life out of our home life. Sometimes it bleeds through, because what they do is probably like really close to the worse job in the world, but for the most part they keep it separate but equal. When they're behind closed doors I'm sure they stay up and talk about their cases or whatever, but they keep it away from Lindsey and me. Although, that doesn't stop me from watching the news every so often or from Nikki sharing with me some of the stuff she hears about when working dispatch.

I kind of think that Mom and Catherine need to keep the separation more than Lindsey and I need the separating. I'm not about to try and understand everything they go through with their jobs. I'm pretty sure I told Mom what seems like a million years ago now that I couldn't do her job. That holds double true today.

"I'll take care of Mom, Cath. If there are any problems I promise to call your cell number, your work number, and page you and I'll even call Nikki so that she can dispatch to you, or whatever." I'm a big girl, right? As long as Mom doesn't start throwing up everywhere or anything, we're good. I don't want to clean up throw up. "Is Mom throwing up?"

"Not anymore." No problems then. "She might start up again though. I have no idea what she ate."

Catherine's cell phone starts to ring and she picks it up. I signal to her that I'm going to go upstairs and she barely nods as she hurries off to take the call out of my vicinity. I make my way up the stairs and carefully into Mom's bedroom where I'm met with the sight of Mom curled up on the bed looking quite ill.

"Cath?" She calls out softly not bothering to even lift her head or open her eyes.

"Uh, not quite."

"Mel?"

The second time's a charm. I walk up the rest of the way to the bed and sit on the edge. "You look awful."

Mom opens one eye, "Thanks."

"No, I mean, you look really bad. Pale and stuff."

"Mel." She doesn't sound like she's in the mood for the truth.

"Do you need anything?"

"My gun?" So her sense of humor hasn't completely disappeared, and I know she's being humorous because her gun is on the night stand next to her. If she really wanted it she could just reach over. That couldn't be too painful, could it?

"I don't think that would be a good idea." Catherine must have left the gun out accidentally while she was settling Mom in. I reach over and pick it up in case Mom does decide to reach for it in her crazy food poisoning haze. I unload it to prepare it for proper storage. "Where do you lock this thing up?"

Both of Mom's eyes have opened and she's almost in a half sitting position. "Do you know how to load it properly too?"

I look down at my hands and their contents. I've done something a little stupid, maybe. I wasn't even thinking when I picked it up. I guess I can't do anything but accept my moment of stupidity and not play dumb. "Yeah. I use to mess around with these when I was…a while ago. There were a couple of guys I hung out with who would purposefully get the standard police issues, y'know like this, and redistribute them. I never asked them why they did it that way cause, y'know, you don't ask questions."

Mom lies back down but lifts her arm and points to the closet. "The keys are in the closet and the box is in a place under the bed."

"Cool." I get up and walk over to the closet to find the keys.

"Do you still have these guys' names?" Mom asks weakly.

"And addresses," I say mostly to the closet door. "They were involved in some drug stuff too, but mostly they were the local gun specialists. You could get anything you wanted from them, really."

"How did you meet them?" Catherine's voice scares me yet again but this time I don't end up jumping into a door.

I turn around and Catherine's got her hands on her hips and she looks ready for a fight. "Bad phone call?"

Catherine's stance relaxes a bit and she doesn't so much look like she wants to start a brawl with me in the middle of the bedroom. "You didn't answer my question."

"Yeah, I know." I step closer to the bed which happens to be a little further away from Catherine. I'm not sure if Mom is up to blocking Catherine if she comes after me but I have to do what I can. "I met them at a party. They offered me a way to get money."

"How?" Mom and Catherine both ask at the same time.

"Just to help them move the guns around, really."

"You sold them?" Mom asks.

"A couple, yeah." Honesty, right? That's what we're all about now. "I needed the money to pay for a few things."

"What could you buy that is worth selling firearms?" Catherine asks and she's starting to look really upset again.

"Everything?" I respond softly.

"What do you mean everything?" She quickly counters.

"Food, clothes, shoes, stuff to play basketball, to pay for the trips and stuff."

Catherine looks like I punched her in the stomach. I'd look over to see how Mom is responding to all this, but I'm afraid to take my eyes from Catherine. At the moment she seems like she would be more of a threat.

"Your grandparents didn't…?"

I nod. "Sometimes they gave me stuff, but for the most part they didn't do much. My grandmother didn't want to support 'the likes of me' so I found other ways. The gun thing was totally wrong, I know, and I stopped. I didn't do it for very long, which I know doesn't mean much since I still did it. But sometimes I would just get so hungry…I guess they caught me at a weak moment."

Catherine shakes her head. "I need to get back to work."

"Okay," I've got nothing better to say at this point.

Catherine walks up to Mom and bends down to brush away some of the hair from Mom's forehead. "Feel better. Mel's going to make sure you get everything you need."

"Definitely." I say perhaps a little too loudly. They both look at me for a moment then immediately they are all into each other again.

"If things get too out of hand at work then call me," Mom tells Catherine and I feel even more out of place.

"Don't worry, Sara."

"It's hard not to."

Oh look, the paint is chipping over in that corner over there. Mom and Sara should consider getting the house repainted. I wonder when the last time the house was painted. I've got time on my hands, perhaps I could take up painting.

"Mel?"

"What?" Catherine looks like she's been trying to get my attention for a while now. But who knows. She was aggravated earlier too.

"Call me if you need anything."

"Definitely."

"Don't forget to lock that up either." She points to my hands and I just now remember that I still have a gun in my hand. I really should try and not look so comfortable with it.

"I'm on it."

"We'll talk tomorrow after Sara and I have a chance to talk about…this a little more."

"Of course," I try to keep up my enthusiasm but fall short on this one.

Catherine walks up to me and I barely hold myself back from cringing. I know that she's really not going to hit me. I know this, but old habits die hard and all. "I love you, Mel. No matter what okay?"

"Ditto," Mom adds weakly to the mix.

I don't really know what to say here. "Okay."

Catherine reaches out and cups my right cheek in the palm of her hand. "You're our daughter, Melinda. We don't stop loving you, ever, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay," Catherine smiles and her hand drops from my face. "I need to get to work." She walks back over to Mom and kisses the sickly one on the lips, which is just nasty since Mom has been spewing her guts out, and tells Mom that she loves her then hurries out of the bedroom.

Mom jumps out of bed and runs towards the bathroom where seconds later I hear her throwing up. I turn back to the closet to start looking for the key that unlocks some box under the bed. I would help out with the throwing up and all, and I will, but first things first. Right?

So Maxwell says I need to aim somewhere. Well, I think I'm going to aim to do my best to believe that my parents won't leave me. That seems to be aiming pretty high to me, because it's still kind of hard to believe that they would want me. It's hard to believe that they would want me as much as I want them. I aim to believe and, I think I'm getting better at it because I believed Catherine. I believed her when she said she loved me.



Continued…