~ The Family Story ~
by Little Bear
Copyright: Ursjohn79 2006
See Part 1 for Disclaimers
Feedback: Let me know what you think. You can comment or email me at littlebearfic@yahoo.com Thanks.
Chapter 7
She looked up from her desk and pulled the spectacles from her face. In no rush to head home after their last battle five days ago, she leaned back in her chair to stare out the window, surprised by the complete darkness outside attesting to the late hour of the night. Since they began to avoid each other, Gabrielle had taken over the daily parenting again; with Bette pinch hitting in the evening, as usual.
Striding to the large window that covered her rear wall she looked out at the people trapped in their cars, rushing to get home to their families. The buzzing of her cell phone on the wooden desk brought her out of her morose thoughts concerning the holding pattern of her family life. She flipped it open without looking at the screen and said, "Hello?"
"Hey B, how are ya?"
Surprised, she responded, "Hey Roz, I'm fine."
"You don't sound too fine. How are you really?"
"I've been better," replied Bette, unwilling to say more, sick of dealing with her situation and not wanting to rehash it with her closest friend. "How are you? Still seeing Samantha?"
"Don't you dare try to change the subject. By the way Samantha and I have been over for at least two weeks."
"Shit, I'm sorry, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. She was just a distraction, a very good one I might add. But you're the one that is not okay, no matter what you tell me," she sighed. "Listen here B, you've been missing for too long and you have us worried. Now I'm on a kidnapping mission, you can come willingly or I will be forced to use other methods of persuasion."
Bette grinned and said impudently, "I'm scared to ask what those other methods are considering your experience with partners that like to be um…let's say convinced to partake in your charms."
"Are you trying to say that I have to convince women to be with me?"
"No, I wouldn't dare," mocked Bette.
"For your information Dr. Porter, I like a challenge and sometimes the thrill is getting a woman to consider the same side of the field, instead of one over the fence. Believe me the grass is definitely greener over here. And don't worry, I think I won't have to take out my toys to convince you to come out and play, you'll come willingly."
"I will, will I?" she questioned as she shut down her computer and prepared her desk for leaving for the day.
"Yes you will because I have a foolproof plan." She paused dramatically.
"And that would be?"
"Drinks on me at your favorite bar and superb Italian food at that great restaurant, but that's not the best part," she teased.
"Not to sound redundant, but that would be…" Bette asked with mock exasperation.
She packed up her laptop, with papers pushed down in the pockets and reached for her purse. Her office door opened slowly and Rosalind stuck her head through the opening.
"I'm the best part!" she squealed and commenced to pull Bette into a vigorous hug, which Bette absorbed with gratitude. Other than hugs from Brianna and lackluster efforts from Lance, she was starved for physical comfort.
"I think I figured out how you're able to bamboozle those women. With a greeting like that, a promise of good drinks and food, and you're unique Roz-ness, they can't resist," she teased after moving back from Roz's hold to pick up her belongings again.
"What can I say? I have it and you're jealous."
"Believe me, I have more than enough on my plate currently."
The pall settled over her good humor immediately. Roz was dismayed over the change and put her arm around her, pulling her close.
"No heavy talk. We're going drinking B and there's only one rule. No heavy talk before, during, and immediately following the consumption of good martinis."
"You've got a deal buddy," she agreed as she leaned into the embrace that led them from the room.
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"You know, I feel like I've loved her my whole life." The drinks relaxed Bette and loosened her tongue. They finally began to discuss the pink elephant that took up residence at the table towards the completion of their meal. "I mean, like I loved her before I even met her and I was just waiting to meet her to confirm it. There was this connection when we crossed paths the first time that I could not resist. It's cliché, but hell, we just clicked. I could talk to her and she would really listen." The winsome expression on her face broke Rosalind's heart because if the evening proved consistent, this contented phase would give way to more recent unpleasant memories.
Inconsistent with Roz's normal personality she consciously turned her effusiveness down a notch, knowing that Bette needed to talk, to purge.
"Once I found out that she was in a relationship, with a man nonetheless, I stepped back. But she was the one that pursued a friendship, she was the one that kept up contact and I couldn't refuse her, not such a simple thing as friendship." She took a sip from her wine glass, gearing herself up for more expansiveness, which came unnaturally to her. "When she came here after her graduation, I was overjoyed because I had this great friend that I loved talking to, but never got to see much. It was simple for me, she was a friend, one that I loved, but definitely in the friend category, therefore unattainable and one I would not approach sexually. Do you remember her back then?"
"Definitely. She was so innocent, but strong enough to deal with us and our sometimes ribald group."
"Yeah, she was innocent, but not weak because she was a force of nature."
"She certainly blew you over. Remember when she figured out that she liked you, I mean really liked you?"
Bette groaned, that one memory embarrassing, yet stimulating. If she could go back and feel some of those old feelings that were so overpowering then that nothing else in the world mattered, except them, they may not be in this mess right now.
"Oh yeah. She scared the hell out of me. I wasn't ready to see her in that role in my life."
"Maybe you thought you weren't worthy to be that person in her life. Maybe you still feel that way."
Bette shot daggers of disdain towards Roz and muttered, "I think I proved to everyone that I'm not worthy of anything right now."
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you felt that she wanted too much, maybe something you couldn't provide. Maybe you felt this way before your…indiscretion."
"Indiscretion is defined as behavior that goes against your morality, but I find it to be such a slight word that means you fucked another woman." Bette trapped Roz with her dark eyes wanting her to understand. "Because that is what I did Roz, I fucked another woman. There was no alcohol involved, she didn't trap me, I wasn't lead innocently to the forbidden fruit. I went willingly, very conscious of what I was doing."
Bette's placid recital of her outrageous behavior enraged Rosalind. Her friend sounded as if she cruised through a yellow light instead of possibly contributing to the dissolution of the cornerstone of their peer group. Bette and Gabrielle's union was one to be emulated, one that people flouted to show that being gay was not synonymous with casual sex and preying on innocent straights.
"So, you want a prize Bette? The great Bette Roberts finally brought herself down to where mere mortals lie and did the unthinkable and made a mistake. Welcome to the real world, where bad things happen to good people and you have to deal with the consequences." The stricken look on Bette's face gave Roz pause, but she felt that she needed to continue, albeit more gently. "I don't know when it happened or why it happened, but Bette you need to step off the pedestal that you've resided on for far too long and decide what you want and do what you can to get what you want. You made a bad choice, but no one is dead and you're relatively healthy, well you would be if you ate more often and got your ass back in the dojo."
Bette pushed her plate back and slumped in her seat, defeated by this know-it-all that did know her well. She didn't expect her friend's fury on her behalf, but damn it felt good. The curly brunette with the ready smile was at her most serious. The dark tapered fingers reached across the table to connect physically with Bette.
"I can never know what precipitated your sleeping with another woman, but I know you and I know you're in pain. I love you B. I'm here for you if you want to talk, to hang out, watch the munchkins, whatever. Don't close me out again."
While squeezing the hands clasping her own, Bette promised, "I want do that again. It just became too much and I couldn't face anyone." Pulling back from the loose grasp she suggested, "Now let's talk about you. Let's start with your much shorter hair and Samantha."
"Funny you ask because those two things are related," she smiled and winked at Bette. Providing most of the conversation for the remainder of the evening, knowing Bette hit her spoken word count max for the day, they enjoyed themselves, reveling in the ease of friendship.
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With hands palm up cradling the back of her head, she stared at the ceiling, unable to wind down to catch some shut eye. Smiling unconsciously she replayed her conversation with Roz when she dropped her off at home tonight. After arguing, Bette finally capitulated and allowed Roz to drop her at home and pick her up in the morning, not wanting her to drive after consuming so much alcohol. They stopped in the driveway and turned to each other.
"Thanks for everything tonight. I really needed to talk to someone and get out of the house for a bit."
"Don't you dare thank me for that, besides it's all part of the master plan," she grinned maniacally at Bette's dubious expression.
Rolling her eyes she asked hesitantly, "Master plan?"
"Yep, I am only the tip of the iceberg. In the morning, we're having breakfast with the rest of the crew. I was to feel you out and see if you were up to group activities and I believe I can clear you for group play." The cocky smile dimmed from her walnut hued face. "In fact, I'd say you need it."
Needing to add some levity, she playfully poked her friend and said, "First of all, I don't believe we can call our group of friends a crew, considering we're not teenagers. Two, I don't want you feeling me out or up, touching me at all is discouraged," she smiled at the look of outrage. "Thirdly, hmmm, I don't have anything yet, but by morning, I'm sure I'll think of something."
"Sure you don't want to be touched because the expiration on good-bye hugs and kisses is in 10 seconds."
Rosalind's tick tock, tick tock, was interrupted by the healthy squeeze from Bette. She kissed her cheek and squeezed her eyes shut. "Are you sure it's okay to meet with y'all in the morning? I know Gabrielle goes some mornings and I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable or feel like they have to choose."
"Bette we truly miss you. They feel really bad for being out of touch for such a long time and for…"
They pulled apart and surveyed each other. Bette finished the thought, "…passing judgment like I would have done weeks ago."
"But they…we don't have that right to judge anyone because we have all done some bad shit ourselves. Yes, we still keep in contact with Gabs. She makes it easier to do that B. With her there's no thick barrier we have to peel away to get to the core."
Sitting back against the door, Bette remarked with a smirk, "Lucky you because the wall between her and I is currently insurmountable." She looked down and peered back up through her long dark eyelashes and asked slowly, "Am I that bad?"
"Yes you are, but it's worth it because your core is radiant." Seeing the disbelieving pout forming across from her, she tried again. "It's like you're that rare pearl, but we have to break through the shell to get to it. The great thing is that once you let someone in, it's beautiful B. Thank you for letting me in."
"God, you're going to make me cry!"
"Can't have that. Know this B, we miss you and we want to see your ass around again. No more hiding out."
They embraced one final time and Bette whispered, "You just want to see my ass, don't you?" They laughed and lingered in the loose hold. With one final squeeze and a quick peck, Bette was out of the vibrant yellow VW Bug, and headed towards the walkway.
"Hey B," called Roz.
"Yeah?"
"It is a fine ass, so have it ready in the morning at 7 AM."
One last easy grin tossed backwards and Bette entered her darkened home.
The effortless camaraderie between Roz and Bette felt so good that Bette wished she could immerse herself in its blanket of warmth at all times. Crossing over the threshold into her home, she was assailed by the oppressive silence of all her mistakes, her bad choices, her open wounds. The ceiling not providing any answers to her present predicament, Bette closed her eyes, praying for sleep to sweep her away.
Prayers unanswered, her ceaseless thoughts rambled to the simple friendship that she once shared with the deeply slumbering blonde down the hall.
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"Awww, Bette, I don't wanna." The jade eyes peeked from beneath the blanket at the dark haired woman scowling down at her from the side of the bed.
"But you haven't been out since you got here. It's Friday, it's been an extremely long work week and you need to get out," stated Bette firmly.
"No, I don't," groaned the covered figure.
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you…argh, why am I arguing with you like we're both five?"
"Uh...'cause you know that you can't match intellectual wits with me," questioned Gabrielle, with an innocent expression on her now uncovered face.
"Why you little…"
"Yes, Miz. Elizabeth," grinned Gabrielle.
Sighing in defeat, Bette plopped down on the bed next to her prone friend and questioned, "What am I going to do with you? And am I ever going to win an argument?"
Gabrielle propped herself on an elbow and peered down into the dark gaze that pulled her in and responded cheekily, "You're going to the video store to get an action adventure and a romantic comedy, while I pop some popcorn. And no you'll never win against the likes of me."
Before Bette could pounce on the giggling blonde, the phone intruded her impeding torture session, which consisted of tickling until Gabrielle cried Uncle.
"Hello," answered Gabrielle, suppressing her chuckle, at the narrowed eyes being cut her way.
"Has Bette left yet," came the breathy voice at the other end of the line. Hello and how are you too, thought Gabrielle disparagingly. She made sure to keep a neutral look on her face, not wanting Bette to know how much the vapid brunette on the line irritated her so.
"No, she's right here. Hold on."
Bette took the phone from her less than enthusiastic friend, not needing to know who was on the phone. Anytime Rachel phoned or stopped by Gabrielle got this look where her facial muscles seized and tried to compose themselves into a bland form, but Bette knew better, even though she could not figure out why.
"Hi Rachel….I know honey, but there's been a change of plans…"
Gabrielle scrambled off the bed and whispered she was going to inventory their popcorn. Bette barely nodded, already being sucked in to the conversation with Rachel.
Five minutes later she was in the kitchen doorframe watching Gabrielle make herself a snack. Immediately spotting Bette leaning in the doorway, she began to take down another bowl to make cookies and cream from vanilla ice cream and Oreo cookies.
"No, don't bother. I really don't want any," protested Bette, when she saw the gesture from her roommate.
"Suit yourself." She continued to pound away at the cookies, until they became nice crunchy cookie crumbles. The brown gaze continued to laser into her back, but stubbornly Gabrielle refused to turn around and give in to Bette's request to talk, knowing she wouldn't like it.
Bette came closer to the counter, sidling near Gabrielle. She finally gave in, unable to take the hot poker of the dark eyes digging into her. She looked up and saw the puppy dog eyes. Groaning she automatically replied with a resounding no.
Sputtering, Bette said, "But, but you haven't heard the request."
"I don't have to. If you have to look at me with the 'please don't take my dog behind the shed and shoot it' it must be something I'm not going to like."
Curiously looking at Gabrielle, Bette said diffidently, "We're going to have a more in-depth conversation about your childhood and pets, but we don't have time now. Guess what idea Rachel had?"
She has those, was on the tip of her tongue. In order not to voice her acerbic thoughts she filled it with sweet ice cream. She raised her eyebrows in question.
"She wants to come over and watch movies with us after I explained that I probably wasn't going out any longer."
"But you don't have to stay in. Go out. Go be with Rachel." Transferring the ice cream from the counter into her arms she tried to pass her friend and go back to her room.
"Hey, wait up. I don't want you spending the evening alone and I don't mind spending it in with you. It's just that Rachel complained that I hadn't seen her all week and we did have plans to meet up with the rest of the gang at the club tonight."
"Well go be with them. I'll be fine," she said stubbornly. She looked at Bette and saw the hurt lurking in the depth of her shiny eyes, so she tried again. "Honey, it's okay. Go out and play. All because I don't feel like being around people doesn't mean you have to suffer also."
"I never suffer when I'm with you. I want to be here with you and I want to please Rachel. I'm trying to make a go at a relationship and not do my usual thing." She set the bowl down and took the chilled finger in her hand, chafing them. "Come on, it's just tonight and we could invite over the girls. It'll be fun."
But it would have been fun with just the two of us, flitted through her mind Not understanding where her possessiveness was coming from, Gabrielle gave in, hoping that by having more people over she'll get to know Bette's friends better and not have to rely so much on Bette for everything.
"That'll be fine Bette," she stated. Pulling her hands from their warm haven, she continued, "Let me have my ice cream before it melts."
Before she could walk through the door, Bette enveloped her in a hug from behind, expressing her gratitude. "I really appreciate this. I know it's hard for you, you're still processing things that happened with Peter, but I worry about you, it's been months. I don't like seeing you by yourself or keeping yourself away from everyone else. You have so much to offer."
"You're too sweet," she choked out. Patting the long arms that secured her in the tight embrace she changed the subject, uncomfortable with Bette's effusiveness. "Come on, let's go make some phone calls and get people over here."
People were sprawled on all the furniture and even the floor for those that liked space. Gabrielle found herself on the floor, refusing to share the sofa with Bette and Rachel after the latter's many failed attempts to get Bette alone in her room. The second movie that was chosen was boring her to bedtime and one glance to her left showed it had the same effect on Chayse. The mysterious woman with the shock of white-blonde hair was an enigma. A recent friend of Bette's gang, she did not fit in with the upwardly mobile late-20s women. Her androgynous look and close-mouthed personality exuded confidence. Gabrielle was surprised to find that she liked the quiet raw sex appeal that rippled in waves from her, also. Realizing that she never had a conversation with the woman because the more talkative people in their group usually controlled the conversation, she decided to learn more about Chayse
"Not enjoying yourself?"
The easy smile made Gabrielle release one of her own. "Not really, the movie is kinda slow, but the company is good."
Gabrielle took in her faded black jeans that hugged her slim hips and the clunky black boots that extended in front of her body. The sleeveless white t-shirt was fitted and showed off her toned biceps that were usually covered with a shirt that was discarded earlier in the evening. "Rather be at a club, huh?"
"Yeah, but Bette wanted us here, so here I am."
"You always do what Bette wants?"
"Shhh!" Bette demanded from above, actually enjoying the documentary-style film, since she chose it.
Gabrielle shot her the evil-eye and proceeded to stick her tongue out at her.
"You always flash that at everybody?" questioned Chayse quietly with a smirk.
She sheepishly stopped her adolescent behavior, not believing her childish antics continued outside the confinement of just when she and Bette were alone.
Chayse reached in and lifted Gabrielle's head to catch her gaze. "I was just wondering because if you do that at the wrong person it might be an invitation." She looked from the soft eyes to the scooped neck pink t-shirt, to the snug jeans that didn't conceal all her rounded curves. "And I must say, not many," another glance up and down, "if any would turn you down."
Gabrielle was shocked into silence. She was used to being cruised, but by men, not women. She peered at Chayse and admitted she was a sexy androgynous woman, but she still did not know how to respond.
Bette watched and heard snippets of the exchange from her place above the two. Pulling out of Rachel's embrace she leaned to the other side of the couch and whispered to Roz, "Chayse knows that Gabrielle's not gay, right?"
"Yeah, I think so, but you know Chayse's belief on sexuality. We're all on a continuum, therefore fair game if she's interested." She looked down at the pair and said, "And she looks interested."
"But she's straight," she whispered harshly.
"Calm down, B. Maybe some Sapphic loving would bring her out of her depression."
"No, she just needs time and Chayse needs to back up," she professed indignantly.
Before they could continue, two pair of eyes glared at her mischievously and shushed her simultaneously.
The slow smile transformed Chayse's face from predator to kid, but when she turned her hot stare on Gabrielle she became the sexual huntress again.
"What you said earlier?"
"Yeah," murmured Chayse at a close range.
Gabrielle scooted closer and whispered into her ear, "Does it actually work with other women because I have to tell you, it was kinda cheesy to me?"
Chayse looked at Gabrielle without the sexy smile and pulled back from her body. Gabrielle began to worry that her joke didn't go over so well, until Chayse threw her head back and laughed deeply, completely amused by Gabrielle.
"Cheesy, huh?"
"Yep, sorry."
Her deep laugh caused Maya to awaken on the recliner and look around frantically, as if trying to place where she was. At everyone's pained expression of withheld laughter she turned a bright red, which made the laughter spill forth from her friends.
Roz turned to Bette and decided to break up the party. "Sorry B, but I think it's Lawyer Maya's bedtime and Chayse and I's playtime. It's late enough for the club to be really jumpin'."
They all stood to clean up the Chinese food cartons and straighten up after themselves, knowing Bette's fastidious nature. Roz and Chayse offered for Bette, Rachel and Gabrielle to come out also but they declined. When they all filed out with hugs and kisses, Rachel stayed behind, while Bette watched Chayse's departure like a hawk, not liking the extra long hug and whispered words to Gabrielle that made her laugh. She was interrupted from actually going to talk to her by Rachel's insistent tugging of her back pocket, pulling in the direction of her bedroom. She turned and saw the blaze of lust in her light eyes and answered it with heat of her own, missing her passion this week.
Once they crossed the threshold to her room, Rachel slammed the door and pushed her back, pressing roughly against her. Bette took the invitation and kissed her deeply. When Rachel began to remove her shirt, Bette stilled her hands, while continuing to explore her mouth. She slowly pulled back, then went in for another nibble, unable to resist.
"I've been wanting to do that all night," she panted out onto the lips that she had to kiss again.
"Well, why didn't you? I would have had no problem with this individual attention." Her hands went underneath the tight black tank top, needing to feel the downy skin.
Bette trapped her hands again, pulling them from her bra. "Hold on baby, I have to close up the house and tell Gabrielle good night."
"Jesus Bette, how old is she? I'm sure she can close the house by herself and go one night without a good night." She tried to free her hands, so they could continue their journey of the bronze skin before her, but were held tight by Bette.
She looked into the now cool eyes and realized she'd broken one of the rules: Thou shalt not speak ill of her friends, especially the strawberry blonde one. Schooling her features into contrition she backpedaled, not wanting the night to end. She knew from experience that any argument they would have about Gabrielle, she would be a loser. "I'm sorry sweetheart. It's just that I've been thinking about you this whole week and I can't wait to have you." She leaned in and placed a kiss on the soft lips and took a step back. "Go do what you need to and I'll be here when you get back."
Bette sighed and enveloped the smaller woman in an embrace. She whispered into a tasty ear, "Sorry to break the mood, but I'll be right back. I'll more than make up for it when I get back." She tilted her head and gave her a taste of what she could look forward to. When Rachel could breathe again, Bette whispered into the other ear, "I've wanted you all week too."
She left the room before she couldn't and was met with darkness. After ensuring the house was safe, she continued to Gabrielle's room. Knocking quietly and hearing a come in, she entered and saw that Gabrielle was in bed.
"I thought you'd be naked by now and tied down. What's up?" Gabrielle grinned wickedly at the faint blush that tinged her roommate's skin.
"I came to tell you good night."
"So you're telling me that you left a woman, that was ready to jump on you from the moment she entered this house, alone, so you could tell your roommate good night?" asked Gabrielle exasperatedly.
"No, I left a very horny woman alone, now possibly naked, alone to check in with my best friend." It was her time to giggle at the red she saw in the moon light. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw Chayse…talking to you and wanted to make sure she didn't make you uncomfortable." The compassion and concern radiated off of Bette and moved Gabrielle to take her hand to reassure her.
"I'm fine, Bette. I was uncomfortable at first, but she was just teasing me. I like her though, she's really fun." The scowl etched itself on Bette's face and Gabrielle sat up to erase it. With her hand cupping her cheek , she said, "We were teasing each other, it wasn't serious. Besides she really respects you and Bette I can take care of myself."
"I know, but Chayse is young and she likes to play around…a lot and she likes-"
"Bette, don't worry so much. I promise that if she does make me uncomfortable, you'll be the first person I'll tell, okay?" At Bette's reluctant nod she eased under the covers again.
Bette leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead, but was stopped with one hand to her chest. "I don't know where those lips have been. No kisses tonight." Their nightly ritual began early on when Gabrielle had trouble falling asleep and Bette would stay up with her and talk into the night until she was able to doze off. A hug and kiss comforted her before Bette left for her own bed to sleep and now it was done automatically to end the day.
Gabrielle reached out to grab Bette by the shoulders, giving her a hearty hug. Their torsos pressed against each other and they were cheek to cheek.
"Thank you for caring so much. Good night, Betty."
"Good night, Gabby," she said cheerfully, knowing that she hated the nickname as much as Bette hated the moniker, Betty. Deciding to retaliate for Gabrielle's earlier embarrassing comment, she increased their embrace and whispered, "Good idea on the no kiss policy because I had to take a sample of Rachel before I was able to leave the room." Pulling back slightly, she delivered a loud kiss to Gabrielle's lips and shot off of the bed. Safely, halfway through the door she threw back, "Do you think I should go back for more?"
Her laughter down the hallway was overridden by Gabrielle's vocal, "Eww".
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Bette chuckled silently at the memory. On second thought, nothing has ever been simple concerning us, but it was fun. The compassion, the honesty, the attraction, and pleasure of being in each other's company was magnificent. There was always an undercurrent of something more, but it just added to the entertainment value of spending time together.
As she turned to her side, the door creaked open to reveal Brianna, peeking her head in.
"You awake Momma?" she stage whispered.
"Yes, honey, but the question is why are you?" Sitting up, she reached out to her girl and she scampered into her arms.
"I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep."
"Did you have a nightmare, sweet girl?" She snuggled into the warm covers with Bette and nodded her head negatively. "Well, it's…" squinting at her Puegot in the dim light, "after 1:00 and time for you to go to sleep. Let me take you back to bed and tuck you in. I'll even read a story."
"No, Momma, I wanna stay here." She clamped down and wouldn't let go, urging Bette to let her stay in bed with her.
Maybe I'll be able to sleep also, if she's here, thought Bette, giving in, still unable to say no to a pair of shining green eyes beseeching her.
"Okay, but you have to go straight to sleep. Come on and lay down." Brianna lay on her side and burrowed to her front. Bette automatically began to rub her tummy, hoping the trick would work again tonight. The same remedy that worked on her as a child and admittedly still does if it's Gabrielle's hands performing the magic.
"Tell me a story about you and Mommy," she burred.
"Me and Mommy, huh?"
"Yeah, when you and Mommy were really, really, really happy." She pushed back further into Bette's warm body, needing to feel her Momma's reassuring bulk.
Don't ask for much, huh kid? "Okay, when we were extremely happy? Let's see, ooh I have it, but you have to promise to be asleep when I get to the happily ever after part. Deal?"
"Deal."
"One day Mommy and I-"
"What about 'Once upon a time'?"
"Huh?"
"You're story has to begin with 'Once upon a time', like a fairy tale. Mommy's always does." The face peeked back at her earnestly.
Mommy's also the writer in the family, but she was game to step up to the challenge.
"Once upon a time there lived two princesses, one fair and the other dark. They were the best of friends and loved living in the same castle together, but one night they were really bored. But the dark-haired princess, let's call her Princess B, had an idea. There was the returning carnival inside of the kingdom that the fair-haired princess had never seen because she was new to the kingdom.
The two excited princesses jumped into their very own hot air balloon and flew into the sky. The bright lights, excited screams, and mill of people signaled their arrival at the carnival. The fair-haired princess, Princess G, jumped out of the balloon without fear and turned to her best friend and helped her climb out. With so many exciting rides to ride, games to play, and food to sample, Princess G did not know what to do first.
No worries because Princess B took her by the hand and led her through the splendor of the carnival and never let her go throughout the night. They rode the scary rides and Princess B held Princess G close on the really scary ones that went round and round. Princess G played a lot of games and won a stuffed animal for Princess B that she did not let out of her sight the whole night. They both ate so much food, like turkey legs, corn dogs, and nachos that they had to sit under a tree so they wouldn't get sick.
Under the tree, Princess G leaned back and looked at the stars, directing her companion to do the same. They each picked out stars and named the many dreams and aspirations they had for when they became Queens. On the return trip home, Princess B helped the sleepy Princess G into the magnificent hot air balloon and held her until they reached home. With the castle in sight, Princess B promised to take the fair princess to the carnival each year of their lives. And they lived happily ever after."
Bette waited, knowing it was coming. She allowed her heavy lids to close, but stayed awake anticipating her child's inquisitive nature.
Always one to exceed expectations, Brianna cuddled down deeper and asked sleepily, "Is it the carn'val at the Rodeo, Momma?"
"Yes, honey."
"That was a very good story."
"Thank you, Bree." And they slept, dreaming about fun rides and games and dreams that once came true.
+++++++++++++++
"That can't be the doorbell," grumbled Gabrielle and looked at her bedside clock, "at 6:45 AM." She untangled her younger child limbs from her body and rolled out of bed. Grabbing her robe on the way out the room, she wondered if she would be able to have a good morning ever again.
"Who is it?"
"It's Roz, Gabs."
She opened the door hurriedly and asked anxiously, "Is everything okay?"
With a hug and kiss in greeting she soothed, "Everything's good. I'm here to pick up B for breakfast and work." She looked around and noticed the silence throughout the home and reasoned, "She's not awake yet?"
"It doesn't seem like it. Let me go check on her." Before she left the front room, she turned back to her good friend and asked, "Everything's okay with Bette, right? I know she didn't get in until late but she called and said she was going to be with you, so everything's alright, right?"
Wrapping her in her arms, Roz reassured her. "Yes, I promise everything is okay with B. I took her drinking and figured she shouldn't drive home." She stepped back and spoke quietly, "And I also wanted her to come and see the girls. She deserves that Gabs, even though she doesn't feel like she does."
Unable to offer anything positive or to meet her friend's eyes, she repeated, "Let me go check on her."
+++++++++++++++++
The only word that came to mind was adorable at the sight of the two on the bed. Both lay on their tummies, slightly curled inward, with curls all over, framing their heads.
Leaning down to wake the bigger of the two, she whispered Bette's name, but only slight rumblings answered her entreaties. She continued to call to her, then finally reached in to push the curls back, able to see those dark eyes opening for the morning, peering back at her. The sweetest smile broke free from Bette, pausing the beating of Gabrielle's heart. The smile was free from the past, not worrying about the future, only taking pleasure in seeing the face in her dreams.
Its brilliance dimmed a bit once she took in the room and sudden memory of what prompted her there. Gabrielle took that as her cue to relay her message. "Roz is at the door waiting for you."
"Please do not tell me it's 7:00," she mummered while laying back with her eyes closed.
"Okay, I don't have to because it's 6:55. I see you had a little visitor last night."
Her scowl softened into a soft look of wonder, "Yeah, she came in because she couldn't sleep and requested a story." She looked into the interested eyes and shyly said, "She wanted a fairy tale about us, so I told her about your first Rodeo carnival experience."
"It was magical Mommy," piped up a now awakened Brianna.
"That it was Bree," she whispered watching Gabrielle. The closed mask was in place and it hurt more than usual on this bittersweet morning. "Okay honey, let me up, I have to get ready, Aunt Roz is waiting for me."
"Aunt Roz is here?" She whipped the blankets back, but stopped her head-long run when she felt the wetness. At the exact moment, Bette felt it also and looked at her daughter.
"What's wrong?" asked Gabrielle not understanding the embarrassment flashing on Brianna's face, nor the incredulous expression on Bette's.
"I'm sorry Momma, so sorry. I didn't mean it," she sobbed.
Bette pulled her into her lap and crooned, "It's okay honey, it was an accident. Let's go get cleaned up."
She stood up with her daughter in her protective grasp, her fingers running steadily through the disordered curls, watching her partner over the small whimpering head on her shoulder. The lack of surprise from Gabrielle was surprising in itself for Bette. Evidently this wasn't Brianna's first accident, but this was the first time that Bette knew anything about it. The fury was controlled as she gazed over her daughter's head at her partner, not wanting to believe that she would not be included in all aspects of their children's lives.
"Guess what honey? You get to take a shower with Momma this morning." She prattled to her daughter, wanting to ease the acute shame.
++++++++++++++++
The Thursday afternoon supervisor's meeting dragged on. Each supervisor spoke about the current status of the individual projects they oversaw and the research assistants that worked on each. The weekly meeting was a necessity to keep everyone on board with the various ongoing research projects that were conducted and knowing each research assistant's strengths and weaknesses, which were needed in order to place them in different positions as funding ended or began on the different projects available. Usually the meetings were stimulating because she had the opportunity to interact with colleagues on the same level as her instead of politicians, lay people, and researchers in different fields, who had no idea what she spoke of but sometimes held the purse strings.
It was not her peers that bored her, but the phone call she had at lunch, which threw her off course enough that she could not concentrate on her surroundings. From the beginning it was doomed to fail.
"Hello."
"Hi, do you have a minute?"
"Mmm…not really, I'm trying to retool this piece for my editor."
"It's not going to take that long. It's about Brianna and this morning."
"Like I said, I really don't have time to talk right now, but when you get home we can discuss it."
"But I have time now to talk and I think we need to discuss it ASAP."
"What don't you understand that I am busy with work and I can't talk right now?"
"I guess I'm having trouble with the concept since this will take only five minutes and it pertains to our child."
A deep breath exhaled and then silence. "What do you want?"
"Tell me about Brianna and her wetting the bed. Evidently this morning wasn't the first time, even though it was the first I knew anything about it. Does she do this often? Have you taken her to the doctor yet, to ensure physically she's okay? And why haven't you said anything to me about it? I don't understand that. This is a big thing for her to deal with and she needs the support of both her parents."
"Finished?"
"Damn it Gabrielle, I'm serious!"
"So am I Bette. That was Brianna's third time wetting the bed, so you figure out if that is often. No I have not taken her to the doctor, since I believe she's troubled by the upheaval at home, and before you blow that statement out of proportion, that is not just a reflection of that Friday, but of the atmosphere at home lately. Let's see what was your last demand? Oh, yes, why haven't I told you? Because she's extremely embarrassed by it and she did not want to seem less than perfect in front of her Momma and we can't seem to have an extended period where we are civil to each other to discuss something so serious."
"Let me make sure I understand. One, our daughter is having trouble dealing with our fucked up issues and the way she is processing them is through wetting the bed, in your humble opinion. Two, you refused to take her to the doctor because you've diagnosed her problem with your nonexistent medical degree. And three, it's my fault that I don't know any of this because I'm an overbearing perfectionist mother and such an asshole that we can't have a conversation about it?"
"This is why I did not want to have this conversation right now. I truly am busy and you're still angry. I can't deal with your hysterics this afternoon. We can discuss this more when you've calmed down."
"Gabrielle-"
Dial tone.
The silence brought her musings to a pause. All eyes were on her, waiting for a response. Mark Allen was looking at her with a question on his face, so presumably he's the question asker. Considering his main project dealt with the longitudinal study that consisted of naturalistic observations and assessments through home visits, probability suggests he's dealing with attrition. Again.
"What are we at with the numbers?" And off he went with explanations of how many families were lost or refusing participation at this time point. More issues to consider on her already over-filled plate.
What Bette needed was a plan. With any problem all you needed was to break it down into consumable parts and deal with each part separately until you reach your goal and problem solved. Unfortunately there were so many parts to the situation with Gabrielle that she was overwhelmed.
Back to the drawing board. Okay, the most pressing difficulty is Brianna wetting the bed. Grudgingly, she admitted to herself that her earlier approach was a mistake. She needed a more gentle approach, one that did not put Gabrielle immediately on the defensive. She could possibly...
And the silence again, now with concerned looks thrown in. Oh, I give up.
"Okay, I think we're on the same page. Let's end right now and come back together next week. Anything that needs my immediate attention let me know," she ended the meeting and pushed back from the table.
Striding out of the conference room, leaving behind a slightly bewildered team she began to formulate Plan A. She could give Gabrielle some space and…and…
"Damn it," she exploded. Frustrated beyond belief at her inability to resolve a problem concerning their children with her partner of 10 years, Bette turned back to her papers, refusing to allow her personal life to take up anymore time at work.
++++++++++++++++
"We need to talk." Bette looked up from the sheets spread across the oak desk in the home office, her new room. Pushing back the glasses off the narrow perch of her nose, she pinched her eyes with thumb and forefinger, trying to relieve some of the strain from reading and typing. She had to get this grant finished with the deadline looming. Maybe if she was in the office more with her statisticians and other colleagues, she would not be as behind as she was, but that was not possible. Between Gabrielle and Lance recovering from their illnesses she had to be more accessible at home and to insure that Gabrielle knew and saw that she could be flexible was worth it in the long run. But she had to make the deadline with some good numbers because people at work were counting on her for their livelihoods. Enough, she growled to herself, it will get done.
"Okay, what would you like to talk about?" Gabrielle settled on the edge of the desk in the room, but moved quickly from it once the chocolate eyes pinned her in place. Bette's intensity transferred from the work to the woman across from her and it scared Gabrielle. She knew first-hand how forceful Bette's personality and charm could be and she did not want to fall prey to it again because she was on a mission. A mission to settle what was left between them. Maybe not settle, but start the path to mending the tears in the tapestries of their lives. Gabrielle moved to the futon in the room and began. "I'd like to talk about us."
Bette swiveled completely in her chair to give Gabrielle her undivided attention. The figures and theories flew from her brain, so she could focus in on her lover. Last night they talked about Brianna wetting the bed. Gabrielle explained that it was recent and she'd already consulted with the pediatrician over the phone. Bette still wasn't quite satisfied with how Gabrielle behaved, but at least they were able to have a decent conversation without bloodshed through verbal barbs.
The big talk that she'd been pushing for was finally here. But for all her bravado and confidence in putting her family back on the right track, those feelings suddenly departed her, leaving only fear. The green eyes staring back at her were no longer confused or shocked, not even the anger that darkened them in the past few days, but resolute in whatever decision that was made unilaterally.
"I want to start by thanking you for really being here this past week or so for me and the kids. I wasn't feeling well at all and it was nice to have you as backup."
Backup? She sounds like she's thanking that kid down the street for watching the kids when they had date night. Unaware of the deep emotions her words were causing Gabrielle continued with her eyes firmly rooted to the carpet. "I know Brianna has enjoyed the extra time she's had spending with you. She worships you, you know?"
"Yeah," Bette answered, not knowing what else to say. Without a clue as to where this conversation was leading, she feared answering inappropriately. With Gabrielle's bowed head, Bette looked upon her love openly. The ache that beat alongside her heart was present as always. It jack hammered in her chest as Gabrielle raised her head and the truth of what she did once again slapped her in the face. The shiny eyes that lingered on her face and then her body, was like Gabrielle was cementing her as a memory; like she was going to be nothing but a memory. The ever-present pain and anguish that tensed Gabrielle's features had eased and there was an eerie peace, not calm, but peace over a much needed decision being made. Bette took it all in and immediately crossed to Gabrielle and knelt before her in supplication.
The bowed head before Gabrielle was silently requesting a pardon, at least leniency, but Gabrielle for once could not acquiesce to Bette's wishes. Not for her own sanity could she give in to the silent plea. She waited until the pain-filled dark eyes met hers and she shook her head from side to side again and again and again. More for herself than for Bette, for she could not give in to the urge to play the role of Perfect Lesbian Wife to Bette any longer without something changing.
She felt the wetness on her lap where Bette placed her head. The tears were silent, like the ache within. A silent beast that tore her from inside, now threatening to eat her whole. She felt like it was ripping her into two and she needed to hold on, so she would not shatter. The strong arms that could carry their children in each with no effort and protect Gabrielle from all fears were now binding themselves around the only secure base she's known throughout her adult life.
Gabrielle could not return the hold. Feeling if she did offer Bette what she needed, it would cause her to fracture and she was weary of falling into a million pieces and not being put back together. Contrary to what her mind was screaming, she felt silky strands under her fingertips and without conscious thought she ran her slender fingers through Bette's dark mane. Combing strands from her face made hot by the rolling tears, she continued to stroke Bette as she would their daughter to calm her after a catastrophe.
Gabrielle resented that her body instinctively responded to Bette's pain, but there was also gratitude that she could feel something other than hate towards the person she pledged to spend forever with. She continued to lightly caress Bette's head until she felt resistance. Not surprised, Gabrielle allowed her hands to stop their journey through the dark tresses and fall away from Bette.
"What have you decided?" asked Bette, while disentangling herself from Gabrielle. She had to move away from the pain in order to feel numb enough to hear what Gabrielle had to say. Bette scooted away from Gabrielle until her back hit the edge of the desk. She pulled her knees upwards and wrapped her long arms around, holding herself tight. When Gabrielle did not respond to her entreaty she asked, "When do you want me to leave?"
Gabrielle raised her head quickly and refuted Bette's question. "No, that's not it." She saw the quick hope flare in the dark eyes and continued hastily, not wanting to provide false hope. "I'm leaving."
"You're what?"
"I have to go. I thought I could do it, but me staying here is killing me. Seeing you…and knowing…" Gabrielle could not finish, the words would not come. Exasperated with herself, she stood abruptly and began to pace the room. The speech she practiced in her head did not include her sudden inability to communicate.
She's leaving? She can not leave. This isn't how it works. Bette was supposed to beg for forgiveness and show that she could be trusted again and they would get over what happened and work it out. If Gabrielle needed more time, then Bette would leave to give her more time, but still have the option to see her and the kids and come back to live as a family. That's the worse case scenario, but Gabrielle leaving? What about the kids, the house? Leaving? She promised that they would work through their problems because ultimately the family needed to be preserved. She promised that the family would get a second chance.
Bette rose from the floor seething. The more she thought of Gabrielle leaving her, the more betrayed she felt, and the more anger she felt coursing through her. "You're leaving? You can not leave. You promised me that we would work through this! What about the kids? God, I can't believe you!"
"You can't believe me? I can't believe you FUCKED another woman! I can't believe that I have to make a decision like this because you are so fucking selfish. I can't believe you! I can't stay here anymore with you. Can't you understand that?!" The stormy green eyes stared at Bette, daring her to question the veracity of her words. She trembled with rage at this egotistical person standing across from her, unwilling to see their current world from her eyes.
"All I can understand is that you're leaving me…again," spoke Bette softly standing ramrod straight against the door to the room.
"How dare you bring that up now? That's ancient history, before we even committed ourselves to each other. And for the record, that was because of your inability to see me as anything more than a friend. But I am talking about now, today." Gabrielle sat back down on the futon, frustration marring her fine features. This was not how she saw this discussion going and she knew she had to get it back on track. "I am leaving. I need time away from all of this to get my head on straight. I will be leaving Sunday."
Two days from now, I lose her was a continuous loop running through Bette's mind. She thought back to how they came to this exact moment in their lives. All the small and big decisions that Bette made to have her life-long partner make a decision to walk out on her right now. Every time Bette allowed herself to get in deeper with Allison it was a conscious decision and she knew it was wrong but unable to stop. Many times not wanting to stop, but the pain that it caused definitely was not worth the overall pleasure of their time. No amount of pleasure is worth the anguish that her family is now living with and it was all her fault. Her fault that she was going to lose the most important person in her life. Her fault that her children were not going to live in a household with both parents. And her fault that the world was ending for her right now at this exact moment.
"We need to talk about how we're going to tell the kids." Gabrielle had to focus on the practical issues facing them; she could not linger amongst all the emotions trying to break free to drown her.
"Okay, what would you like to do?" asked Bette. She did what she does best, she shut down. No emotion flickered across her face; she could not allow herself to feel anything else because she was on the precipice to fall into an abyss. Instead of succumbing to her emotions she sidestepped them and stood tall against whatever Gabrielle had to throw at her.
"I think we should explain that I need to go away for a small amount of time, but I will call everyday to reassure them. Also that you'll be here and-"
"Wait a minute. What are you talking about? You're not taking the kids with you?" Her expression would have been comical in any other situation because of the perplexed look that turned her into a five year old.
"Let me begin again. I need time away, not only from you but everything. I can't think straight anymore and in order for me to go forward I have to get some time for myself. I can't be mom or wife; I just need to be me, whoever that is now." Exasperated again with her inability to communicate adequately with a woman she's spent most of her adult life with, she tried again. "I need a break. It may sound selfish but damn it I need time to figure out what the hell I want and I can not do that with how things are now." She looked up at Bette and saw the mask cover her features once again. "I refuse to upset the children's schedule because their parents are assholes who can't manage their lives. Therefore, I'm not taking them with me but leaving them with you." Still no outward sign from Bette, so Gabrielle continued by giving her facts. "I need time alone and I'm taking it. I'm leaving the kids with you for the next week or so. I do not know when I will be back, but I don't foresee me being gone for more than 2 weeks, but I will be back when I see fit, not one day sooner."
They were now looking eye to eye, each refusing to show the other how much it cost for them to say the wounding words and listen to each other. At Bette's nod, Gabrielle continued. "I'll be at the beach house and I do not want you to call me unless there is an emergency with the kids. I will call them and they can call me whenever they need to. I will leave their schedules for the next couple of weeks and you should have all the important numbers. I think we should explain that I'm going on a trip for work and will be back as soon as possible. I'd like to talk to them tonight to give them ample time to process this before I have to leave. Any questions?"
"No, it sounds like you've covered everything. I'll take your lead." Bette was back in her desk chair, unlocking her screensaver. She threw over her shoulder, "Come and get me when you're ready to talk to the children."
++++++++++++++++++++
It was early Sunday morning and the house was silent. The children were still in their respective beds and soundly asleep after repeated attempts last night to extend their bedtime. In the guest room, Bette lay on top of the covers staring blankly at the ceiling. Images of her life flashed on the white wall as if it were rolling from a projector.
Their time in Hawaii where they committed themselves to each other began the movie. The warm air caressed her skin, the small granules of sand soothed her feet, but the best was the magnificent sight of her beloved. Her eyes did not take in the picturesque view, only Gabrielle before her, glowing in a white sleeveless sheath. While leaning in to Gabrielle to seal their words the scene blinked to another on the beach, this one vastly different from the other. There were no blindingly beautiful clear waters, no picture perfect scenes of mountains, only them, wrapped around each other on the shore. Gabrielle leaning back with eyes closed and face tilted up towards the sun taking in the rays and basking in the love wrapped around her. Bette's arms extending to hold her and rub her extended belly to soothe the active child inside. When Gabrielle turned her head slightly to nuzzle Bette's neck the scene flashed again, except there was neither sun nor sand.
There was Bette holding their extremely active 2 year old, almost 3 year old, over the crib where their new son slept peacefully. Gabrielle a slight step behind her, resting her weight against the strongest support she'd ever had in her life. Both of them slightly apprehensive of caring for two children, but knowing if they were together, they could do anything. Leaning into each other to gain strength from one another, knowing their love could carry them through anything.
Then there was blackness. The day she walked into the house that was devoid of the children's laughter and energy. Walking down the hallway that was not lit and stepping into their room that was dark as a mausoleum to find her other half fractured by her pain. The tear streaked face looked up at her from the floor and keened her agony hoping that Bette could make it alright, make it better, make it bearable. Scooping her into her arms, Bette comforted and soothed her partner into somnolence, which allowed her to process the death of their unborn child. The time allowed her to release some of her grief, her anger, and even relief over the miscarriage of their third child. The shame burned her cheeks over her guilty thoughts and feelings, but did not last long as the scene changed again to a business meeting.
Bette and Allison were sitting across from each other at the five star restaurant discussing research and a little something more. The feeling of being desired was a shiver that ran down her spine, something that was less commonplace currently in her home. Allison listened to her every word, commenting and touching her innocently in the flow of conversation. Then the scene flipped to not so innocent touching between Allison and herself and darkness again. Darkness of her own making this time instead of chance and again the feelings of grief, anger, shame, and even relief suffused her being.
Bette sat up suddenly as if coming out of a trance. Maneuvering herself to the end of the bed, she stood unsteadily and turned to the mirror on the door. She smoothed down her locks and settled her rumpled slept in t-shirt and jeans over her tall frame and opened the door.
When she reached Gabrielle's door she had no memory of leaving her room. The only thought that was dominant was this was possibly the last morning she had with her wife and with that running forefront in her mind she knocked on the door.
"Yes," said the voice; distant and disembodied, like their relationship.
"I'd like to talk to you."
A pregnant pause, before the indifferent, "Come in."
Gabrielle continued to fold her clothes and place them in the bag at the foot of her bed. She refused to turn around and acknowledge Bette, not wanting to argue anymore. The earlier heat that surrounded her inside and out at their last extended conversation evaporated into coldness, which provided her the will to get through two more nights with the person she loved the most and hated enough to maim.
"I need to say some things," stated Bette unequivocally. She stood in front of Gabrielle to gather her full attention "Can we sit, please?" This was Business Bette. The Bette that garnered million dollar grants, supervised a floor of researchers, and still found time to go out in the field for data collection when the mood struck.
Gabrielle chose to sit in the plush chair in the corner, as far away from Bette as possible, but Bette would not be deterred. She took a seat on the ottoman and faced her lover of many years.
"I love you and I am sorry. I do not know what to do anymore to make what I did right. My words are not enough, but I have nothing else to offer right now. I want to show you that I can still be the person that I was years ago, but I have to have a chance. Please do not give up on me, on us." Bette's intense dark gaze settled on Gabrielle and was met with disdain. "I don't know what to say to you anymore. Every word is the wrong word. Talk to me, Gabrielle. I want to know what I have to do. I will do anything. Anything!"
"Anything?"
Bette nodded, thrown off stride by Gabrielle actually speaking to her.
"I want you to give me the space that I'm asking for and to take care of my babies while I'm gone."
"I've given you space!" Bette retaliated in a stressed voice. "It has been a month and we are in even worse shape than where we were before. At least then you showed that you cared what happened to us, even if it was anger, now it's a blank wall when you look at me. Anymore space and I don't think you will even see me."
Gabrielle sat back and crossed her legs; she then spoke to Bette as if they were discussing why Bette was going to miss dinner again this week. "You don't want my anger Bette. Because my anger is telling me to get that nice antique lamp on your side of the bed and to bash your fucking head in for putting us in this situation to begin with. My anger is telling me to pack up the children and to go to a nice expensive hotel for the remainder of the school year until I can find another house for us to live in and not speak to you again. That's my anger Bette. I promise you that my anger will either get me jailed or us far away from you as possible. As much as I detest you, it's not fair for the children to be raised by one mommy, therefore I need my space or you'll find me over your head with a pillow one night or in another state to get away from you." The blank face continued to look at Bette, waiting for the conversation to be over so she could finish packing.
Fuck she hates me, she truly does. Bette was shocked by Gabrielle's words, unable to decipher the hyperbole from the reality. Is there even still a chance? "What's the point then, Gabrielle? If you truly hate me this much, why go away? Why…?" Bette's voice dwindled to nothing, unable to finish her thoughts, not understanding what was happening to her life anymore. Without the anchor of Gabrielle she was adrift.
"The point? To figure out if what we have is salvageable and if it is, for me to learn how to get over this anger that is suffocating me and if it is not, to cut my losses and learn how to live without you in my life, but in our children's lives," replied Gabrielle in an emotionless tone to Bette's despair.
"So there is nothing I can do or say to deter you from leaving?" The fire was once again banked for Bette, allowing her to see that it was probably best to retreat and regroup.
"Nothing."
"Okay," Bette sighed, at first admitting defeat, but then again she did not always do what was best. She'd learned that sometimes taking the greater risk was sometimes for the best.
Her normally chocolate eyes burned as dark as black coffee and poured over Gabrielle's form. She leaned in, invading Gabrielle's space, needing to feel close to her, even if it was currently unwanted; her indomitable will refusing to bend. Her fingers wrapped tightly around the arms of the chair and she stated almost harshly, "I. Love. You. That has not changed from when I realized that we could be more than friends years ago and it will not change in the future no matter what you decide. I will pay any penitence, perform any acts, or walk away from a life with you if that's what you decide. I've made some horrific choices that have brought us to this place, but my current choice is us. You and me. You have to make your own choices, but know this while you search your soul-" She dropped to her knees, while also dropping her aggressive demeanor. Instead of gripping the chair she wrapped her cold hands around Gabrielle's hips, noting the loss of weight, another stone added to her burdens, while ignoring the stiffening of Gabrielle's muscles at her touch. She placed her chin on Gabrielle's knees and looked upon her face. "My love may no longer be enough, my words mean nothing to you now, my actions can not be trusted, but look into me and see me. The ME that you know better than I know myself. I am nothing without you, it's not like there are missing pieces, there is not even a board to places the pieces on without you. You are my anchor, my background unto which I place the details of my life. And I fucked that up. Please just allow me the chance to…to…not make right or fix because it cannot be done, but...." She laid her head down and whispered, "Please just give us a chance. All I want…need is a chance."
Her hands stayed in her lap. Twice in 3 days she had her wife's head in her lap and the conflicting emotions to soothe or spurn roared against each other. Her muscles continued to twitch at Bette's presence, wanting to instinctively reach out and grasp at her flesh and immerse herself in the pleasure of her skin, but self-preservation kept her stock still.
Bonelessly Bette gathered herself to her feet, leaned down and placed a chaste good-bye kiss to Gabrielle's forehead. She moved her head down further, to the side and breathed into the blonde's ear, "I'll take care of our children. Have mercy on us." And she was gone.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
"Maybe this wasn't one of my best ideas," muttered Gabrielle as she lingered over the family pictures in the living room for a second time. Frozen in time were images of her and her family in varying configurations. There was her and Bette sleeping on the deck, Bette and the kids swimming in the dark waters, her and the kids building a sand castle, the kids by themselves running through the sand, and on other surfaces around the room other pictures of Bette's family enjoying themselves over the years in the beach house.
The beach house originally belonged to Bette's parents, but was given to Bette and her brother as a gift when they simultaneously finished college, Bette in 4 years and Cameron in 6. Their parents wanted to give them a place which allowed them the luxury to decompress before moving into the real world and also a place that held such good memories from their childhoods. While Cameron immediately took them up on their generous offer and spent a lengthy amount of time at the family beach house, Bette went directly to graduate school at University of Houston in their competitive Developmental Psychology program.
That was Bette. Fiercely determined with a goal and nothing could stop her from reaching the end. The only problem with that unwavering focus was the exclusion of everyone and everything that did not have any relation to the goal she sought. In the past Gabrielle admired that determination and will, but now she rued the day she thought that was a positive trait about her love.
Love, thought Gabrielle, not knowing if that fragile, yet deep emotion ran under the turbulent waters of their life anymore. Climbing the stairs to where the bedrooms lie, Gabrielle went back to her first stay in the beach house. Stripping down to nothing once she entered the master bedroom, she reasoned that she had been living in Houston rooming with Bette for about a year and Bette wanted to party for Labor Day in Galveston. She'd been working hard on analyzing the incoming data on the longitudinal study for publication and she needed to blow off some steam. Gabrielle had agreed and they decided to have a Labor Day beach party and use the neglected beach house in Galveston.
Gabrielle stepped into the bathroom and turned the dial on the shower to as hot as she could stand. While showering, she allowed memories of the beach house to pour over her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
She stood in the entryway of the darkened room and watched her friend sleep peacefully. She was curled on her side facing the window with her exposed back to the door. Sometime through the night her maroon blanket was kicked to the end of the bed and she was haphazardly covered with the cream colored top sheet. Her bronze colored back was sleekly muscled, most likely due to her stress reliever, karate.
Striding to the bed on her bare feet, she wondered distractedly if the skin was as soft and supple as it looked. She grinned mischievously as she dropped to her knees at the head of the bed and pulled the dark strands from Bette's face and leaned over close to her ear.
"Wakey, wakey. It's time to go play." She stirred, but did not open her eyes. "Come on Bette, time to get up," tried Gabrielle more forcefully, with a shoulder shake thrown in for good measure.
Even though her eyes were still tightly shut, Gabrielle knew that she was now playing possum. Her muscles were no longer slack and her breathing had picked up its cadence signaling her awakened state. Leaning closer, she whispered, "Okay, you've asked for it."
She went to the end of the bed and gathered the top of the blanket in her hands and in one smooth move she jumped onto the bed and tackled Bette with the covers.
Wrapped in a sheet and the thick blanket, Bette retaliated and pushed back at her friend trying to disentangle herself. Amid the laughter and rough play Gabrielle came out victorious with an awakened tangled Bette. Sitting astride her lower abdomen she smirked at her tousled friend, who was not too happy to be awakened before the sun was fully awake itself.
"Awww, Gabs it's early and it's a holiday. I wanted to sleep in," she pouted in her sleep roughened voice.
"But we're going to miss the sun rise if you lounge around in bed any longer."
Bette looked disbelievingly at her hard to awaken friend and replied, "This from a woman that would stay in bed all morning if she didn't have a class to attend."
She climbed off her friend to sit at her side and persuade her to go along with her plan. "Yes Elizabeth that is true, but this morning is special."
Turning on her side, she pulled the covers with her, not wanting to flash her good friend. Gabrielle was her only friend that had the distinct privilege to call her by her birth name. There was just something about the way she said it that defined their warm and close relationship. "What's special about this morning?"
"It's a beautiful morning, we're on the beach, there's no work to be done," she crowed happily. The jade eyes sparkled with the splendor of the new day and gazed into dark eyes that looked sleepily back at her. "Come on," she shook her tired pal, "We've been so busy and it's going to be crazy this afternoon with everyone else coming to party. Let's go do something just for us."
She scooted closer to Gabrielle and placed her head in the light haired woman's lap and smiled when she felt the hand tangle in her long locks. "I've missed our time together too. I'm sorry I've been so busy lately."
"It's okay, I know you've been working hard on your project. It's a very important study for you with a lot of people interested in the outcome. I've been busy too, with school and work, so it's not just you."
"If you keep that up, I'm going back to sleep," she purred as she arched into the firm digits moving against her scalp.
"Up with you, sleepyhead." She slid out of the bed before she gave into the soft eyes and climbed in bed and got some more shuteye herself. "Put your suit on and meet me outside."
"Gabrielle," she cried plaintively, "It's too cold to get into the water."
"Your suit Elizabeth and you have five minutes before I come back and help you with it," she commanded as she left the room.
+++
Gone were the worry lines that furrowed above her brow, now replaced with the fine laugh lines at her mouth. It was like that first time Gabrielle surreptitiously watched her at the bar in the hotel restaurant, her head thrown back in joy and music issued forth from her mouth. Surrounded by friends, regaling them with a college escapade of her and Roz, Bette held court.
Gabrielle smiled at her friend's relaxed, yet charged demeanor, knowing that she needed the camaraderie. The brunette to her right seemed to want to offer a bit more than friendship to Bette, though. Gabrielle eyes were peeled as the brunette scooted closer to Bette on the couch and laid her hand on her thigh as she related something to the group at large, but holding Bette's eyes only.
Holding the wall up across the room with a plastic cup in her hand that she sporadically sipped from, Gabrielle could not hear what she said but she did note that Bette did not remove the woman's hand or move back to gain her personal space. The scene took her back to early this morning.
"Thank you, Gabrielle," whispered Bette as she lay her head on top of the blond head that leaned against her shoulder. "That was beautiful."
They continued to prop each other up and take in the marvelous colors that flew across the water as the sun shone proudly heralding a new day. Bette felt the flaxen locks tickle her naked skin as Gabrielle looked at her. She met the gaze that seemed to search her for answers that she was unable to give, not knowing the question. Bette cocked her head to the side and smiled slightly at the unfocused gaze and serious countenance, loving the child-like absorption that Gabrielle was displaying.
"Gabrielle?"
"Yes?"
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," she sighed quietly, breaking the stare, unwilling to share her most private thoughts with her very best friend. The continual incomplete thoughts and stirring emotions left her perplexed, unable to transform the ambiguous to something understandable for herself and her friend, only frustrating her more.
Bette pulled her in closer by wrapping her arm around her shoulder and tried again, "Are you sure? That looked like some pretty heavy thinking there."
"I'm sure. Just happy to be here…with you and taking some time off."
Bette exhaled deeply. "I know what you mean. I needed this break bad."
"Yeah, me too. Some rest and relaxation by the water. Perfection."
"Well, you need to add one more thing for it to reach perfection."
"What's that?"
"A woman that wants to join in that rest by helping me relax in the most delightful ways. And if she'd like to do that by the water, hell, even better." The rakish grin leered at Gabrielle before she added, "In your case I guess adding good ol' Patrick helping you rest and relax by the water would then be perfection."
Gabrielle did not answer, but they did continue to enjoy the sun rise that blessed them with a new day.
Continuing to watch the woman fawn over Bette, Gabrielle derisively thought, there goes Ms. Rest and Relaxation.
"You need a refill honey," questioned Patrick from her side, pulling her from her acerbic thoughts.
"No, I'm fine. Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah. I gotta say Gabrielle, you're the only woman I've dated that's invited me to a beach party that's mainly women in bikinis."
Leaning in closer she whispered, "Newsflash cub reporter, they only want each other."
"Doesn't stop me from enjoying the view," he quipped, then immediately met the calm green gaze and gushed, "but you're view is the most delightful."
"Good save, boy wonder," she teased, playing on his reporter profession and usual button downed persona that mirrored Clark Kent's. "Besides there are men present, also."
"True, but the majority of the partygoers are female and in beachwear."
Uproarious laughter came from Bette's group and stole the blonde's attention from Patrick. Tracking the laughter to the group, her eyes tripped over the many women Patrick most likely undressed with his eyes moments before, agreeing in his assessment that there definitely are some beautiful women in varying states of undress, from string bikinis to linen pants and silk sleeveless shirts that populated the beach house and beyond. She stopped at the dark gaze that caught her eyes and easily admitted this one was the most beautiful one of all. Bette had changed from her black one-piece Speedo from this morning's brisk swim to a bikini top that ties around her neck and bikini bottoms hidden under a sarong. The vibrant red and orange swirl design on the sarong complemented the blood red bikini that fit snug on her toned build.
As quickly as their eyes crashed upon each other, they receded to their respective people vying for their attention. Hearing her name for the second time, she swiveled toward Patrick and looked at him questioningly.
"You okay? I was calling your name."
"I'm fine, but I may need to lay off the beer for awhile. I kinda zoned out."
"Either that or stop gazing at all the flesh on display. I don't know which is more intoxicating."
"Excuse me?"
"I saw you looking at the crowd and…" The calm gaze was replaced by the green inferno now lancing into him. "Calm down, Gabrielle. I'm teasing. Besides it's okay if you look and you're-"
"I was doing no such thing. I was looking over at Bette and her friends to see what the noise was about. I was not drooling over them like you," she seethed. She did not know what she was more pissed at. Actually looking at the women as Patrick himself did or being caught doing it. But unlike Patrick she was merely perusing the physical aspects of the women in an aesthetic sense, noting their degrees of beauty. Mentally rolling her eyes, she chided herself. What next Gabrielle? You're going to make yourself believe that jumping on a naked warm sleepy Bette covered slightly with a thin sheet and proceeding to wrestle with her this morning is the usual wakeup call for best friends around the world.
The warm hand startled her, but the reassuring pressure of the circular motion on her lower back calmed her. Unconsciously leaning back into the warmth of Bette she knew what was coming before the words had a chance to pass between the full lips. The dark-haired woman had an uncanny ability to be there when Gabrielle was distressed.
"Are you okay?"
"I-"
"She's fine, Bette." Patrick took a step closer to Gabrielle.
She brought her warm hands to Gabrielle's shoulders and gently turned her body so that she faced Bette squarely. The furrow was back between her eyebrows. "Are you okay?"
"Yes." God, she is even more lovely when she's playing Mama Bear. Great, she's protecting me because she's concerned like a big sister, not a… What do I want her to be to me? The better question is who do I want to be to her? Snap out of it! Giving herself a mental shake, Gabrielle slapped a false smile on her face.
Bette stepped closer, bringing her long fingers to tangle in the blonde locks at the base of Gabrielle's neck. She massaged slowly and asked, "Are you sure?"
"You didn't hear her? She's fine and we were talk-"
"Back. Off." Two words that were not shouted, but stated with controlled severity.
Grabbing one of the golden hands that had fell to her side and clenched, she brought the researcher around to focus on her, not the bristling Patrick. "I'm fine Bette. Just a misunderstanding. Okay?"
"If you say so, but," she leaned closer to Gabrielle, detecting a small shiver, she continued, "we'll talk later."
Disentangling herself from Bette's soothing touch and warm body, she turned to Patrick and his harsh countenance, deciding damage control on all fronts was needed. She needed to take a step back from Bette before her body did something she did not give permission for it to do and apologize to Patrick for overreacting to his comments.
Unable to resist, she gave Bette a quick squeeze for caring and whispered, "I need to talk to Patrick."
A nod was her answer. The naturally warm eyes darkened and gazed at Patrick and he received a curt nod.
Gabrielle watched the slim figure stride across the room and be swallowed by her group of friends that were standing and moving outside. She turned away when the woman attached herself to Bette's side and subsequently missed Bette moving to create some much needed space between their bodies.
"Before you say anything, I want to apologize for teasing you. I didn't know you were going to take it seriously."
"I guess I needed this break more than I thought because I'm usually not so sensitive. Sorry for biting your head off, you didn't deserve it." She wound one arm around his waist and leaned into his firm chest. Looking up into his pale gaze she knew she had to clear this next thing up. "Bette is not usually very aggressive, but she worries about me. Just let me handle things with her."
"Gabrielle, she acted like I was terrorizing you or something over here. I don't know how you put up with her treating you like a child."
Immediately bristling, she pulled her arm from around his waist and wrapped it around herself and stated, "She does not treat me like a child. Sometimes she gets really protective, but that's only because she cares."
"I'll bet," he muttered knowingly. "Look, let's not argue. Let's take advantage of this beautiful day and go outside."
Not wanting to continue either, Gabrielle readily agreed, but cursed her luck when outside they found an enthusiastic volleyball beginning with Bette leading the way with a spike over the net.
+++
"So, Sis, what's wrong with Gabby?" asked Cameron. If Bette was the reigning goddess of the beach party, with her bronzed skin and free flowing hair catching every breeze, then her brother definitely was considered a god. Thought of as twins by some because of their near identical looks, Cameron stood out as much as his younger sister. His one dimple had the women charmed and his muscular build had the men wondering what the long trunks hid.
Casting about for a view of her roommate, Bette shrugged in frustration. "Something's bothering her, but I haven't seen her in awhile."
"I saw her talking to Patrick outside and I was on my way over to get my usual welcome hug and kiss," grinning lavisciously, he continued, "You know how I live for a hug from her. But she kinda waved me off and turned towards him, ignoring me."
"Well, what can I say Cam, you can't win 'em all," said Bette lightly, wondering again what the problem was with her good friend.
"I still say Sis that she prefers a hug and kiss from you any day, more than me."
"Well of course, I am me and you're…uh you." Seeing that he was revving up for his favorite discussion of Gabrielle secretly pining away for her and how it was wasted because he would be a much better choice out of the Roberts children, she interrupted, "I'm going to go look for her to make sure everything's okay." Bette placed her bottle of water down and quickly turned from her brother, now in search of her friend.
+++
"What's wrong with you Gabrielle? I can't say anything right around you lately." Standing up from the sand dune they were sitting behind, he had to walk off some of the anger that flared up in him.
"Nothing's wrong with me," she said quietly, pulling her raised legs into her body and resting her head upon her knees.
Storming back to her compact figure, he loomed over her and seethed. "Bullshit, Gabrielle! Something is bothering you and it has for awhile. I thought you were under stress from school and work, but something else is happening here. You're short with me; you act uninterested one minute and then all over me the next." He counted his points off his fingers revving up with anger as he mentally went through the past few months of discontent. "What is wrong with you?!"
She raised her head and looked into those light eyes that were usually so kind and giving, but now look betrayed and she shrunk from that hurt; that anger.
"No Gabrielle, you're not pulling away from me like you do all the time. Is it me? Am I no longer what you want? Is this no longer working for you?" Deflated he plopped down beside her, his anger giving way like the fine bits of sand under him.
"I don't know what to say," she finally replied. Turning away from his visage, she admitted, "It's not you. I've just been in a cloud lately."
"Why? What's going on?"
The blonde head turned back to him and it was finally clear for him, for those tortured eyes that turned his way placed the final piece in the puzzle. This was not about him, it was all Gabrielle. What he knew for awhile and she was blind to, was finally dawning into her consciousness. Closing his eyes and laying back into the fine granules, he wanted to snuggle in so that they could bury him, cover him completely. His wish of making her fall for him before she realized her true feelings was not fulfilled.
"Patrick? Patrick?"
"I love you Gabrielle. Matter of fact, I'm in love with you Gabrielle."
"Patrick I love you too. You know I-"
"Yes Gabrielle, you love me, but like you love Cameron, not how you love Bette. Never like how you love Bette."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You know I really thought I could stop this day from happening," he said more to himself than to her. Standing up and brushing the sand from his clothes, he walked away. "I'm done, Gabrielle. I'm done."
"Wait! Patrick, what are you saying?" Gabrielle stands up and reaches for him.
"You still don't get it, do you?" Turning around, he saw her, the lean body and dark hair tangling slightly in the gentle breeze. Focusing on her and not Gabrielle, he said, "You win. I give up because I can fight you but I can't fight her." And with that Patrick was gone, not once turning back to see Gabrielle turn to her friend and be consumed by her hold.
Continued in Part 3