Claim to Shame

I live my life in silence, claiming shame as destiny.
My hidden desires forever making a mockery of me.

I play pretend and dance the games of the mainstream, but inside I wither.
I walk in shadowed light every day, my head bowed low in fear of rejection
instead of held high in Pride.

My sexuality is my own damnation.
Redemption found only in my lies,
Salvation passed me by so many years ago,
I've forgotten what god looks like.

I fear to share my love because I fear discovery
and I dare not speak my truths to the one who raised me.
My mother, my sister, my eternal best friend,
the one I've never lied to yet I've lied all my life to.

I hate what I have to do to be myself.
I hate the lies I have to tell to save myself.
I hate the me I've become in defense of myself.
This is my demon, my monster, my boogey-man
come to drag me away by the ankles into the dark
closet of shamed silence.

Now I spiral down...
Falling from grace...
the lies taking over...
and leaving me empty.

I'm lost now, walking dark and cold paths where
the razor's glitter and and gun's dark metal gleams
in my eyes like a beacon, leading me out of this lie of a
life that has become my hell on earth.

Spatter on the ground, crimson and warm, I can
watch my lies drain away now.
Mommy, be proud of me, I'm not lying anymore.
Mommy, don't you cry for me,
I wasn't who you wanted anyway.

Take me home now,
I want to come home now.


A bit of a note about this piece.  It was written as a part of an assignment in my creative writing class called, "The Road Not Taken".  Obviously, I went to a dark place - and though I have seen shadows of that place, I have never had to go there.  Still there are too many who do.  If you, or someone you know needs help, please, please, seek it.  There are so many good reasons to stick around.  Find one, and hold fast to it.

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